'It was a joke,' and other excuses.

[SomethingSimple]

Am I being overly sensitive here as I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Been with DP 5 years. Both in our 50s. Don't live together but a committed relationship. I've said from the outset that marriage is important to me. That one day I want to marry the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. My DP has always maintained our values align.

Marriage doesn't come up often at all but when it does DP will sometimes be disparaging about it - yet maintaining we will get married 'one day.' Most recently we were in a hotel that had a wedding venue tucked away by a cove. I asked the Receptionist if I could go and have a look at the sight as I wanted to see the view (other hotel guests had told us it was special) and DP said, 'oh Christ, I'm off better get my coat and get out of here. ' and did a mime like a 1970s comedian who is with some mad, marriage hungry woman trying to trap him. Ffs.

when I said afterwards that this type of comment makes me feel a bit crap he berates me for 'not taking a joke. '
I feel I'm over this. It's one of very many small things, 'jokes' that just don't add up to an intimate relationship.

I've been really ill in recent years and life feels especially precious. I also feel I'm too old for this shite.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive would this get to you?
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Actions speak louder than words.

He doesn't want to marry, just dangling the carrot.

Doesn't sound like he wants to marry.

Are you two engaged?

Yep my dh told a room full of people once that he will never get remarried. I told him good, am glad as it wasn't on my agenda rither and guess who then kept saying actually they did want to? It wasn't me!
Tell him his joke isn't funny, just hurtful.

Thank you all.

No, I don't think he does.

We aren't engaged.

X

It's only a joke if you are both laughing.

What's the rest of your relationship like? Can you talk to him?

It's been five years and there's no plan. I would cut my losses.

He’s telling you (in a rude and awkward way) that he doesn’t want to get married. Is he recovering from a difficult divorce, or is he just a commitment-phobe?

When anyone says ‘it’s just a joke’ when you know there is more to it than they are actually saying I always say ‘ what do you mean?’ I ask them to explain it because I’m not sure what they mean and ask them why it was funny and say I don’t get it.
They usually get flustered. Next time he comes up with a so called joke look confused and tell him to explain the joke.
However, like the others I thin he doesn’t want to marry you ever, sadly.

its been 5 years, you don't live together.. he's not marrying you anytime soon! it probably WAS just a joke... to him. obviously to you, its upset you because you want to marry this man!

i think its time for conversations

@outdamnedspots I can talk to him. It's mostly loving, but I think I've reached a bit of a crossroads. I was very unwell for a couple of years and I think the dynamic from me being passive because of my illness is shifting to me wanting to do the things I want to in life as I am in remission and am actually able to plan again.

I don't want to marry for the sake of it but had hoped I'd be in the position to be able to enjoy that prospect with the person I was in a relationship with.

I agree its an older man joke they find funny. Good old ball and chain and all that but its not a joke unless youre both laughing. Mind you, it Took us 10 years to get engaged and we are getting married this year after another 2, 9 weeks time. Always fully committed. Im 52 hes 57 and we have only just moved in together. 4 kids kept our life on hold and he always said we'd get married and I was the joker with the whatevers and no way! He didn't seem offended by it and I don't think I hurt his feelings, different to your scenario of course, and when I used to poo poo him he used to say, I mean it.
My mam, my ex and his mam died within 7 months and we suddenly totally got the cliche about life being too short. I think you need to seriously tell him...How you feel about the stupid jokes, how you want to be engaged and married and how you want to be his wife and plan.your lives together if that's what you want from.this relationship. Then you will definitely know where you stand.

He doesn’t want to get married. It’s been 5 years.

Some people don’t, especially later in life, but you do. If things are otherwise fine what I would do is say I want to get married this autumn - you can choose Oct or Nov - otherwise we’re done.

@Willyoushutthefrontdoor thank you.
Yes, I think when you experience loss or illness it sharpens focus.
I will have more conversations and am pretty much an open book. I don't keep my feelings hidden.

@TakeMeDancing he's not married before. We don't live together as we both have kids living with us - made sense to both of us but to wait till they're all on their ways before buying somewhere together.

@theduchessofspork - thank you

You can be happy without marriage.

You don't need to be married but, you shouldn't buy a house with him unless you're prepared to accept not getting married. He might see that as an equivalent commitment.
IF the relationship is good then you could re-examine your desire to marry and get maybe get past it.
Protect yourself financially though.

I hate the thought of a woman having to chase a man up the aisle, setting timelines and giving ultimatums etc
You sound far too good for this commitment phobe I would cut my losses

"Is that all I am to you? A joke?"