How do you not feel sad about your DCs transitioning into adulthood?

[Heavysummer]

Hi,

So firstly, I know I'm lucky to have DD. She is my only child and I'm massively proud of her, but as her 18th birthday edges nearer and nearer, I'm finding it almost hard to accept and rather than looking forward to the future, I feel like I'm almost mourning the past.

DD has been a bit of a tricky one to raise and it's been quite challenging at times to get her here. She is doing well now - just about to start her final year of 6th form, has a few close friends and is becoming more confident in her own skin. She is likely on the autism spectrum and this made navigating the teen years a little more challenging. She's a young 17 year old I would say and I think this may be what is making it more tricky to accept that in a few months time, she'll be officially an adult. I can't really get my head around it, but I'm not sure how normal this is.

We're going on holiday in a few days and I suddenly got this sinking feeling that this will be our last holiday together before DD's an adult. We'll be a party of 3 adults next time we go away and it really overwhelms me.

This may be because I was quite a young mum, plus I haven't worked (long term) since she was born, so I just feel a bit lost. I don't really know what my purpose is, besides being a mum. I know that doesn't stop at 18 (!) but it will be different and I know I need to find a new path to follow. I have started a couple of online courses recently, which is a start I suppose, as my self belief and confidence has really twindled over the years, so that actually felt like quite a big deal.

Anyway, there are a few other big changes happening this summer too - not necessarily bad, just different, but I'm finding it all a bit hard to accept.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with this better and how to focus more on the positives. I want to be excited for the future, but I'm often finding myself close to or in tears thinking about the new inevitable changes.

Would be good to hear from those who are going through or have been through similar or even from those sho can just give my head a bit of a wobble 😁

TIA

One thing you don’t necessarily anticipate is what great company they become. Funny, wry, astute… knowing their adult selves is a real privilege.

They do still choose to spent time with us, go on holiday, play games together, meals out, etc. It’s different now they are grown but it’s still great.

It’s also amazing seeing the choices they make, the adventures they have. Like seeing a butterfly’s wings unfurl and dry, ready to take flight. Then the ring you and tell you all about it, or video call you to get your advice on which outfit to buy, or to show you the meal they cooked.

Having them share their successes with you is lovely.

I understand. Mine is a year younger than yours, but I am already 'missing' their younger self and wishing childhood went on a bit longer. I don't know how I'm going to feel when/if they go to uni - like I've been left on a desert island I suspect. I took need to think how to fill the void. I love being a mother, absolutely love it, and while I know that doesn't stop, the practicalities do a bit.

I've joined a few Facebook groups for older women with interests similar to mine and considering condensing my hours at work to give me one free day a week to study something I've always been interested in but never been able to pursue.

Hope we can all see some happiness ahead. So different to my own mother who seemed as though she couldn't wait to get rid of me.

I get this so much (19 and 16 year old here), but as someone said, it's lovely to find out how much you LIKE these young people. Being around them, their company, their sense of humour.

I also find it helpful to remind myself to be grateful - that I have them at all, that they're alive and healthy and haven't met with any of the misfortune and awful things that you read about happening.

It’s so hard isn’t it? There are so many wonderful things about them growing up and becoming young adults but the pulling away and becoming independent hurts.

the thing that keeps me grounded was a poster on MN who pointed out that her disabled 19 year old was non verbal, still in nappies and would never be independent. Very sobering reminder of how lucky we are.

I do often wish I could just pop back in time 10 or 15 years, though, even just for a day, and make them breakfast, take them to school with a little hand in each of mine, cuddle them at bedtime... I don't suppose I'll ever stop wishing that. It goes so fast. But at least I had that.