Did anyone else have the joy of their first pregnancy taken away?

[heartbroken22]

Look back and think wish people understood and were kinder. Dad rowed with me the day I came home like I was a nuisance. Partner kicked a bin because my mother didn't listen to him. Mother tried to enforce her own beliefs on me. Siblings didn't care. Friends congratulated but didn't really keep in touch. In-laws didn't give me space. I had PND. It took me 2 years to get over it and I still have trauma today. I was numb for 2 years. Sorry just trying to get it off my chest. Do you guys look back and wish things could have been different.

The power of writing this makes me think although it wasn't perfect atleast I should be grateful for my children.

I lost four babies to mc and my miracle I waited 40 years for was born the day Covid lockdowns started.

I can’t have any more children now, after another loss subsequently.

Sometimes I feel intense sadness that I never got the coffee shops and cuddles maternity leave I’d dreamed of. My own mum didn’t hold baby for four months. BUT. I never thought I’d actually become a mum so I can live with it, just.

Probably I should have some counselling, and you should too.

Yes. My parents were in the middle of an acrimonious divorce and I was dragged into the middle of it with my mother sending me nasty messages while I was 7 months pregnant. I was also coping with awful nausea and a chronic disease that made the pregnancy very high risk. When I finally had my baby I had to arrange for my parents to come and meet her on separate days. The whole thing was horrific. I also had PNd, couldn’t breastfeed, no support from family or in laws. I have 1 DC and remain incredibly bitter about all of it. When I see women pushing prams down the street with their mums in tow I still struggle not to cry.

Yes
DC1 stillborn at 38 weeks

Yes, severe early onset pre/eclampsia at 20wks. Baby delivered at 28 wks to save us both and died at 6 wks. So yes, joy taken away.

Yes and I remember feeling so guilty because it could have been so much worse, as the posters above have experienced. However it also could have been a lot better and that would have been better for me and my baby. It's a complex set of feelings but you shouldn't feel bad for struggling with them.

First positive pregnancy test in the morning, bleeding by lunchtime.

5 miscarriages and 2 babies.

Never got to enjoy a pregnancy without worrying myself stupid, but I do treasure my babies and know I'm one of the lucky ones.

I was illegally fired from my job, and had a stressful time in court with my lawyer fighting them for my basic rights.

I won, but they closed the company then reopened with a new name, just to avoid having to re-employ me and have my (planned to be very short) maternity leave.

Had a 2nd child too soo (couldn't get a job so it seemed sensible) and awful PND after that and loathed being home for so long.

ETA: seems trivial compared to the above tragedies. to everyone

My MIL told my husband (behind my back) "make her have an abortion. Get rid of it" because I was 21 and she didn't like the area I grew up in or that my parents were divorced, so in her eyes, I wasn't good enough - my husband and I were engaged and living together but not married yet - he came storming over to me, yelling at his mother "You will NEVER see this baby" and he told me infront of her that he was dedicated to me and our baby.

Sadly, his words came true because we lost our baby a few months later and it still sickens me when his mother has the cheek to talk about her "granddaughter" as though she loved her and puts flowers and teddies on her grave.

i lost my first pregnancy at 11 weeks, fortunately now 34 weeks into my second pregnancy but it’s been one long worry. Wish I’d got to enjoy a first pregnancy without the trauma!

Yes, 1st pregnancy after 4yrs TTC, had a life limiting illness and we chose TFMR.

Multiple MC's and failed rounds of IVF followed- with no cause for sub-fertility ever found.

I have no living children and never will.

Yes.
Miscarriage will kind of do that for you.

It kind of ruined every pregnancy after that, all 7 miscarriages that followed where filled with dread, trauma, pain, loss of hope and anxious waits.

I just want to hug everyone and say well done on living through such difficult experiences.

@heartbroken22 I totally get what you mean by power if writing. Sometimes when you see it in plain words for what it is, instead of a cloud of complex feelings, it helps you process what happened. And also wonder WTF is wrong with some people… They can be so deeply selfish.

Overall, I count myself so lucky. My baby made it. But at the time I felt so alone and unsupported. I know my family visit this site, so I don’t want to out myself, but they were absolutely miserable to me while I was pregnant. I nearly lost the baby half way through the pregnancy, when my water broke. I had multiple hospital stays, “what are you back in for now? What did you say to them?” …as if I wanted to go… and not one of them came to see me during the pregnancy or hospital stays.

My mother doesn’t give a crap, never has, because her mother never gave a crap. She’s so deeply spiteful from her own experience, she wants you to feel the same hardship. My MIL just doesn’t show up.

I hope I’ll be a better, more supportive mother/sister/friend/MIL.

Same - except I've not had any successful pregnancies yet. But I see no reason for it to be a 'joy'. That's only when baby is safely born.
Maybe that's my own problem though. I've always been anxious and this, not to mention all the horror stories I've heard from pregnant women in my neighborhood about how horrible the local maternity unit is, people being very ill etc isn't helping.

I want a child. 'Pregnancy' is a necessary stage for that to happen it's not something I'm looking forward to in particular.

OP, pregnancy is complex and any feelings you have are absolutely valid. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. It's not a competition.

Yes I'm similar to you OP, luckier than so, so many others that my baby was healthy but depression robbed me of the joy I should have felt xxxx

OHHHH I'm so sorry OP you're talking about coming home!
So sorry ignore me but I stand by what I said about complex feelings.
Other women having it worse doesn't mean you need to ' be grateful' you should have gotten more support and love.

Two miscarriages and two rounds of IVF meant I could never relax and enjoy the pregnancy. I sustained an injury in pregnancy that caused white hot nerve pain the whole pregnancy and first year of my child’s life and now two failed surgeries later I have a life long disability. I had hyperemisis so was miserably sick and through all this I had a new job and was on probation so couldn’t call in sick.

That was a walk in the park to the never ending nastiness from my mil which has permanently dented my confidence with the nasty things she said and manipulative behaviour during and after my pregnancy. Rather than admit what she did she attempted to deny most of it and lie and said that some of things she said weren’t said how I remembered. Unfortunately for her though some of it was witness by others, so rather than properly apologise she’s played the victim and caused an estrangement.

I’ll never forgive her. She can pretend she is the injured party all she wants but to behave in that way to an extremely sick pregnant and postpartum mother was and is unforgivable.

It makes me so sad to read through all the other posters experiences, big unmumsnetty hug to you all.

On a lighter note, this experience shone a light on some friends who were unbelievably kind, and a few new people in my life that have become like family.

Pretty much identical story over here but reading some of these other stories I too feel like one of the lucky ones.

Yes but I do feel guilty about feeling this way as I know others have worse problems in the scheme of things.
I had severe HG that meant I was essentially stuck lying down my entire pregnancy with my eyes shut, couldn’t even lift my head off a pillow (despite numerous anti sickness medications!) could barely shower and could only eat 3 foods and that was hit and miss, and I was hospitalised twice for dehydration. I was signed off work pretty much my entire pregnancy, and felt like they thought I was taking the piss/exaggerating and I was so embarrassed. Tried to drag myself to work too many times when I just shouldn’t have bothered as I just couldn’t function.
I felt like I should have been able to just get on with it but was completely floored by it. Didn’t help that I had the most unsupportive PILs who suggested I eat ginger biscuits…

luckily I didn’t have it with dc2, so I did get a ‘normal’ pregnancy experience but I do always feel sad when I think back to my first pregnancy, although I mostly feel grateful that I have two healthy children so it was worth it in the end.