Have I done a really stupid thing?

[noemail]

I'm long term single and have a good life with a friendship group that I affectionately call my little band of misfits. Lovely people from all walks of life, who are all a bit "different". We don't always fit in socially elsewhere, but among ourselves we are very relaxed and comfortable, with busy social activities ranging from watching and participating in sport, through music events and trips away. Our main interest, the one that brought us together, is a sport, where we all belong to clubs, but not the same one.

One of the clubs is having a formal party. Many of my friends are going, but I'm not a member. The others were saying I should go. I said, I can't I'm not invited (tongue in cheek). I will know most of the people there, as the clubs have lots of overlapping events.

This is very much a formal, come with your partner, not bring your mates event, iyswim. Anyway, one to the men, has bought two tickets so he can "take" me.

He's a nice man, but odd, too keen to be liked which can rub people up the wrong way. I find him very genuine, but not everyone likes that. My guess would be he's probably autistic. We "adopted" him after he was bullied (IMO) by some members at his club and took him under our wing when we were all away at an event and he'd been pushed out in the cold by the people he'd gone with.

Anyway, I like him, I'm happy to have in invitation to the event, I enjoy spending time with him and the other people who will be there, but I am not at all interested in being his "partner". It's no secret that he's looking for love and I'm worried that he (and others) might think this is more than it is. This concern is compounded by the fact that he doesn't do social interaction the way other people do, if that makes sense. if it makes a difference, he's nearly 10 years younger than me, so it's entirely probable nothing is further from his mind, and he's just done a nice thing by inviting me.

Help?

I should have said, my concern is I don't want to cause any distress for him.

How would you feel about saying to him you would like to go but you didn't want there to be any misunderstanding around relationships.

i’d decline personally

you’re not a member of the club

and he’s looking for luuurve

He might be one of those types that just thinks you're playing hard to get even id you tell him you want to go but in the understanding it's as friends and not with a view to any kind of romance.

I would decline.

Or he might just be doing a nice thing so you can be included. He might not fancy you and be horrified if he thought you'd got the wrong idea.

Just an alternative, equally likely point of view.

Offer to pay him for the ticket? Might make it seem less like a date.

I'd just lightheartedly but firmly say 'thats great you've got me the ticket John, but I hope you know it's not a date?' then hopefully he'll get the message. Go along and have fun. You don't need to pretend to be his partner or gf.

Pay him for the ticket, make it very friendly and businesslike from the outset, and thank him for the opportunity to go to the event, because you’re dying to see X and Y, while stressing that you think it’s a bit ridiculous that a sports organisation is being so ‘couple-focused’. But paying for the ticket is key. If he protests, be very firm.

When you say he ‘doesn’t do social interaction the way others do’, what do you mean?

Offer (privately of course, away from the main chat) to pay for the ticket.

Own transport.

If he refuses payment it may be worth clearing up, 'im really excited about going with you and I'm not suggesting you were hinting otherwise, but just so we're clear it's as friends, right'. You could either do this if asked, or if you think he might require clarification beforehand. Don't overdo egg it and make him feel like a creep, he's doing a nice thing.

Yds, I said that in OP

I've paid for the ticket, offered as soon as he said he'd bought it and tf the money straightaway. He didn't argue, I don't think it had ever occurred to him (or me) that he would pay for me.

He doesn't pick up normal social cues, stands a bit too close, talks too much, doesn't know when it's time to leave, invites himself to things, happy to message men and women he doesn't really know, if he has something to say or ask.

As I said, I find him really straightforward and genuine and now we're used to each other, I can tell him to shut up, or leave, without offence. Some people think he's pushy and annoying.

I wouldn't worry then. You've paid your way and are not obligated in any way. He's likely to take no for an answer without offence anyway so just be polite and clear if he does make a move. Sounds all fine to me!

If he is a suspected autistic fella, he will appreciate you telling him upfront.

I also wondered if he's got you a ticket because you are a "safe person" to socialise with. I am a bit of an extrovert and a couple of my more introverted friends ask me to join them at more formal events. I can smooth over some of the more daunting social convention expectations like random small talk and enable them to relax and have fun.

Well, then, if he’s socially dense, surely you just pay for the ticket and say it was nice of him to put you in a position where you were able to get a ticket — treat it like someone getting you a ticket to some festival where you didn’t get online till they’d sold out. And if you discover he’s misconstrued this as a romantic date, you just tell him straightforwardly he’s wrong?

Sorry, I misread. You already paid.

As I said, I find him really straightforward and genuine and now we're used to each other, I can tell him to shut up, or leave, without offence.

so confused why you have started this thread

Yeah same!
If that's the case OP just play it by ear and if he does come on to you, tell him you're not interested and only want to be friends? Whats the issue?

I agree. And I’m also slightly puzzled by the OP presenting him as vulnerable and having been ‘bullied’ by his own club by being ‘left out in the cold’ at an event in light of her later explanation of his social behaviour. If he monologues at people, doesn’t respect physical space, invites himself to things and regularly overstays his welcome, surely it’s perfectly possible his club was simply tired of dealing with his behaviour? The OP may not feel threatened by it, but i could easily imagine a younger, less confident woman not appreciating a man who is open about being on the hunt for a girlfriend inviting himself to things and standing too close to her to talk endlessly at her, and not taking polite hints about backing off, when she is just there for the sport.