No where to turn...

[onthebrink8]

I posted last night, but it was late and didn't get a response. Disclaimer : this post includes some sensitive trigger words : rae*.

I'm going to try and not dox myself here but tbh, the way I'm feeling, I'm not sure if I care anymore about the consequences.

I was attacked last year by a person in high authority. Despite the violence and pain of everything I endured, I thought there was a breakthrough when the police informed me that the CPS were 'leaning towards a charge'. Their words. I was hopeful. Finally, after months, this piece of sh*t will at least get charged, and people will find out what he is capable of.

Yesterday felt like I had been attacked all over again. The wound that was starting to heal had been ripped open. I was slut-shamed for 90 minutes. The most embarrassing, humiliating, disgusting and frankly, irrelevant questions were asked.. I may as well have been on the stand during a cross examination. I was confused by the level and instrusive questions they were putting across, and KNEW they were making assumptions on past events. I was disgusted. To top it off, the police must have given the CPS access to my working life online as some of the questions, afterwards I realised were based on that.

I am broken and feel utterly violated.

I don't even know where to go from here. I have reached out to several people for support but nobody has got back to me (this includes ISVA support who should have done far more to find out what was going on with this interview).

I have all lost faith in humanity. Another rap*st will walk free. I tried...I failed. I'm sorry.

I can’t read and leave this unanswered.

Do you have anyone there with you? Do others in your life know what’s happened so can help?

Even if it feels as though he’s getting away with it now; your work in reporting it will still help if someone else reports him in the future.

You’ve done everything you can, now it’s time to be kind yourself x

Also didn’t want to leave this unanswered. You haven’t failed at anything. The system has failed you, and I’m really sorry.

Who did you speak to yesterday, the CPS? You can make a complaint to them (if you can bear to - I understand if not). Please try again to contact your ISVA if you haven’t heard back from them - you deserve support and someone to talk through the CPS decision with you.

I'm so sorry OP. You deserve better.

Thank you for your replies. I did manage to speak to another ISVA today because mine is currently on leave and back next week. She was also disgusted and didn't understand how past events had any relevance to the ordeal itself. She also said the police should have had support in place for me (ISVA should have been present) I felt they dropped a huge bomb on me when I went into the place for the interview. It was nothing like the first one. No females officers either. I was so nervous and my MH and self-esteem was declining with every question.

I understand now why women don't come forward and report. I have seriously thought about putting in a complaint and having this reviewed. I don't feel it is right. The Isva today is going to forward it on to the meeting she is having with her senior.

Police have been very wishy washy..one minute it's "CPS leaning towards a charge" on phone, then in person "they are on the fence". But i've blown it now. They won't charge him based on that interview. It was too weak.

I'm in a slightly better frame of mind tonight. I was in a very dark place this morning/yesterday with some very dark thoughts. The slut-shaming was horrendous. The questions felt like I was the liar. It's something I don't think I'll ever recover from for a long time.

I am sorry to hear this. You are a very brave person. Have they said they won't charge him then?

That's kind of you say...I don't feel brave at the moment. Just completely broken inside.

I did send the officer in charge a long email last night. He replied this morning, and has admitted that he overstepped the mark with the questions and profusely apologised. At least there is some accountability from his side.

He has continued to say he will do everything in his power to get this to court, but I feel the interview answers I gave were not convincing enough. I now continue to await for a charging decision. I have no idea how long that will take.

I am also thinking about putting in a serious complaint against the police/CPS if this man doesn't get charged, but right now I am just focused on getting myself back to a place of stability and calm.

Some very dark thoughts have passed through by mind recently...