What age do they “come back to you” ? After the teenager years

[Purplturpl]

I feel we are not doing too badly in the teen years but it’s getting more difficult with pushing boundaries and wanting to stay out late. Not prioritising school work etc.

i am just wondering is it towards the end of school (17 / 18) that it starts to ease a bit more ?

I have boys if that makes any difference

Definitely varies by individual child, but DS transformed after his first year at uni. He’s now in his 20s and is just lovely - so considerate and good natured (he and his girlfriend are on holiday with us right now, and they’re fantastic company). It’s like night and day compared to his behaviour between 15 and 18.

Hang on in there, OP!

14-15 is the worse.
My18yo is generally quite a pleasant human being these days.
Ds2 is 15 and has hit peak miserable teenager.
Ds1 is gleeful that he is off to uni and leaving us with his brother.
I'm hoping he may come back soon, but we've got y11 to get through with a boy who hates studying and has very little inclination to do so, so we're definitely not out of the woods for at least a year.

I think by 22 they are closer to parents again. I know my boys were at that age.

Found this thread whilst looking for this answer myself. My 17 year old dd is still awful, not badly behaved as such but just not pleasant to be around. she completely lacks empathy and has an awful negative attitude towards everything. only happy when she's doing what she wants to do. she's incredibly selfish. She's been this way since around age 13 and i was Just wondering if this will ever pass or is this her personality for life?
I do remember going through a similar phase myself as a teen but not quite as bad from what I remember. im sure by 18 I'd improved.

Girl - about 21.
boy - still waiting, he’s 27

Yeah- I agree. I have 6 kids. The youngest 2 are 18 and 19. The 19 year old is still an absolute nightmare. The next up is 21 and has her moments- but not many. The 23 year old is much better now and the 25 and 26 year old are pretty well just normal adults..

@theblackradiator I appear to have posted on this thread last year. My son who was just shy of 19 at the time and an absolute horror, is home from uni for the summer and is (so far!) a delight at nearly 20. He has finally recognized his privileged upbringing and is polite, helpful, funny and grateful! A proper young adult who is a joy to have around after making my life hell for years.

Meanwhile his younger brother is taking his place in being the household teenage twat!

im starting to think it'd be a good idea if society was structured differently so that all teens left the family home at 13 and reappeared 10 years later as grown, mature, reasonable adults 😂.

Do you think him being away from home at uni is what has made the difference in him?
Him being away and possibly missing home has made him reflect on how good his home life is and has made him more appreciative.

Two teens. 15 year old son is generally okay. He’s really smart but he doesn’t revise that much for exams. He’s often quite moody, distant and I must have done a fabulous job because he absolutely knows everything. Don’t get that many hugs these days and if I do they tend to be awkward from him. Still, I take his lead.

My 13 year old daughter is a sweetheart, unless she’s due on. Then she’s not lol. My 9 year old is still a delight.

Absolutely. He went to a private school . Going to uni, surrounded by people with less privilege than he has because he as not chosen one of the stereotypical ones, he is having his eyes opened to how lucky he has been.
He has also found a girlfriend. Which is a civilising influence for most young men!

18 in dds case

21 year old son is lovely.

19 year old daughter is selfish and rude.

16 year old daughter is distant and awkward.

Did 21 year old have a distant and awkward or rude phase ?

@theblackradiator both my boys (3 years apart) had uni dorm mates who were placed in very very unfortunate circumstances. both were quick to say thank you to dh and i.

dd was over 25 and had always been hard work.

Ds disappeared into his room between about 14 and 16. He's now 18 and absolutely delightful. Very chatty.

DS is 20 and is definitely back. He is so much easier to communicate with. He actually answers my questions properly rather than the teenage “why” followed by lots of humphing and stropping.
He’s been at uni for his first year and happily irons his own clothes before going out. Sorts out meals when he’s hungry, rings me if he’s going to Tescos to see if I need anything and just rings me for a chat.
The other week he drove to Wales to spend a few days keeping his mate company who had some temporary work there and rang me just to tell me how spectacular the scenery was during his journey.
And he is hugging me again.

20-21 I’d say. Two boys here and the oldest especially drove us crazy from toddler onwards, V hard work, cheeky, difficult and made our lives miserable at times. Now he’s 21 and he’s a pleasure to have around, funny, caring, helps out, I can’t believe the change. They do seem to find their way back to you, hang in there.

Ds1 is 19 and likes watching tv with me now. But he works shifts and he goes out a fair bit so hes not actually home that much. But when he is he comes and sits with us and watches tv and chats. We talk about important stuff at work and nonsense gossip about famous people and his friends.

Ds2 is 17 and will finish school in a few weeks. He's going on to a job rather than uni too. He doesn't spend much time with us. We don't seem to have much in common. Which is sad because he used to be a full on chatterbox and now I struggle to find things to talk to him about. Im hoping when he starts work and his world opens up a bit things will change.

Ds3 is only 13 but I can see signs of grumpy silence appearing. So I've got some years ahead.

There are always moments of fun and connection even when they're silent and mostly in their bedrooms. So it's not all misery in the teenage years.

Oh god I have 12 and 9 year olds and wish I hadn’t opened this thread!

5 kids here. Massively varies. My girls have been easier than my boys, in general more academic and prepared to "accept that they needed to go to school", then "get a job or go to uni, then get a job" Boys were harder work, very influenced by friendship groups. All treated identically (or as close to as we could given the circumstances). I think you can expect the white knuckle ride from 14-18, then it calms down a bit. Outside influences matter a lot. Having a suitable girlfriend / boyfriend seems to help (and some reasonable friends). Having a job seems to help. Sometimes, having no money has helped. Keeping your boundaries about the big things helps. Nagging about the small things does not. Hope this helps xx

Yes, when he was 16 and 17 he was very trying.

He can be a pain in the arse still at 21 but he is empathetic, caring, funny, good company and I can rely on him to help me.