Need help with my mum in this situation

[mumhelpo]

Hi
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mum. We have always been incredibly close- some would argue too close. I feel like since the age of about 10 I have been parentified in different ways.

My parents have a strained relationship. This is not a secret. My mother will tell me on a daily basis how much she hates him, how she wants him to go etc. However, she makes all sorts of excuses as to why she can't leave or divorce him. Father has always been a rubbish parent. Puts drugs before us kids and was aggressive growing up (but not violent) although has hit mum maybe once or twice since I have left home.

I have been with DH 12 years but we have recently got married. DH is the sort of husband mother would have wanted. Helps around the house and with the children, we share money- basically normal things in a relationship.

Since I have been married, my mother has been horrible on a daily basis. She goes from extremes off making horrible comments, saying DH is not a 'traditional man' who is 'big and strong' etc (meaning he helps around the house and helps with kids rather than being misogynistic) to coming round with my father literally snogging his face off and saying how wonderful he is (whilst DF is here) and then slagging him off again the next day!

She is a misery to be around, says she has no life etc. It is not just as easy as cutting away as she needs me to care for her (don't want to say in what way as is outing). I wish I had the strength to put some distance between us but I don't. I'm nearly 40 and have had this my whole life. I think she may have bipolar or something similar although no diagnosis of anything.

I need to manage our relationship. She is not happy for me, she can be jealous and spiteful, but also loving and caring. It's all just so confusing and overwhelming.

"I wish I had the strength to put some distance between us but I don't. I'm nearly 40 and have had this my whole life."

This is the core issue. You have been so deeply programmed by your mother that you feel powerless to extract yourself from this totally toxic dysfunctional relationship.

It's not your fault. This is what happens to children (particularly daughters) who are survivors of toxic parenting.

You are not responsible for your mother. She has made her life choices and is now bitter and resentful that she has lost her whipping boy (you). She is jealous of your relationship and would no doubt be very happy if your marriage were to fail.

You need to learn about creating and keeping healthy boundaries, and to find alternative arrangements for her ongoing care. Again, her care is NOT your responsibility and this whole situation will only get worse until you choose to change it.

I would highly recommend you seek counselling, or at the very least start to learn about toxic family dynamics and how to cope with them.

I have a similar relationship to my mother which has resulted in me going no contact just two months ago.

She was incredibly toxic, emotionally manipulative, negative, everything was awful all the time in her eyes and I felt so bloody drained around her all the time. What made it more confusing was that there was the odd moment when she would be kind and nice. It was clear to me that she had some problems but would refuse to get help, which was only further worsened by my enabling father.

I took myself to therapy which has and still can be very difficult but it freed me of this shitty shame cloud I've carried around for years because of her awful behaviour. Going no contact was very hard but it's made me feel so much more at peace with my life.

Definitely seek some therapy support if you can - wishing you all the luck. Remember this is YOUR life, not hers. X

OP, I really think you need help with dealing with your mother.
If you really can't detach yourself from her because of her needs, you must find a way to detach yourself from her emotionally.
Her toxic behaviour towards you shouldn't be tolerated, you don't deserve it.

Stand your ground OP. When she criticises your DH, say you are happy with him doing xyz and wouldn't have it any other way.
Be firm and not back down.

Just say it in a calm way, ie
"Oh that's why we're all different mum, it works for us".
"It doesn't bother me, I'm happy with him doing that...."

Keep doing it and she'll soon back down.

When she mentions being lonely, suggest book groups, cinema groups etc.
If she complains then tell her she'll continue to be lonely is she doesn't do anything about it.
"Sorry mum, there must be groups out there you can join, if you don't try, you'll continue to he in the same situation".

Don't feel you have to fix her life as you'll be enabling her, which is a vicious circle.