Husband is in remission - why can’t I be relieved?

[Sofearfull]

My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer in January. He has been through such brutal treatment. He had just received the best news that his tumour has gone and he is in remission after chemo, radiotherapy and surgery. Of course I’m overjoyed and longed to be told this news but I can’t let go of what we have been through. I’m so very proud of my husbands strength and stoicism throughout. I just feel so anxious still. I’m off work sick at the moment with stress. Everyone expects me to be coping but I’m not. Through out i have only cried in private and have always remained positive for our children and family. Why can’t I let go? I know it shouldn’t be about me.

I think that the impact that a serious illness has on partners and close family, is underestimated.

Of course you’re going to feel anxious. He’s been through an ordeal and, in a different way, so have you. Worst case scenarios go through your head, about how things will be , how you’ll cope and so on.

It’s wonderful news that he’s in remission, but there’s always ‘what if’.

Why shouldn’t it be about you too. You’ve spent months keeping things together. Some people spend years, I bet.

Maybe the answer is to allow yourself to be grateful for the now times and wary for the future.

Give tourself time. You are in a state of trauma and flooded with stress hormones. You are going to be on edge because you will have underlying thoughts of doubt (as will he). Remember that the people around you expressing euphoric joy havenbeen through the same emotional rollercoaster as you. Nor have they sat through the waiting, the moving from room to room, the delivery of the news, the headtilt, the phone us at anytime from Macmillan nurses but no one actually answers the phone because they are so busy. It is normal to feel a little flat and a bit meh. One day, you will suddenly realise that you haven't thought about cancer for ten minutes. Then that will extend. It's going to take a while - potentially a year. Just gently start doing something small that you both enjoy like a walk. A change of scenery can be very valuable. Best wishes and congratulations too.

You have spent 8 months thinking about losing your husband. All while pretending to be fine and positive for everyone. It's not surprising you feel so bad.
I think his good news will sink in eventually though you will always be more aware of mortality.
Can you confide in him? I bet he would understand and support you.

I felt the exact same way when my parent went into cancer remission unexpectedly.

I think it’s that ‘whiplash’ feeling of emotions. When a loved one is diagnosed with a serious illness it gives you such a shock, you have all these scans and appts and leaflets about treatment and you think ‘I can’t cope, I’ll never adjust’. So many sleepless nights, days on end just worrying constantly. Then a few weeks and months go on, your routine has changed and you just accept the way things are. You’re still sad but this is your ‘new normal’ I suppose.

Then they go into remission - it’s another whiplash. You’ve only just accepted the illness, the new routine, constant worry is normal. Now suddenly everything is supposed to be ‘great’, but your body is still carrying all of this anxiety. Again, you can’t believe it, you think you’ll never adjust. You’ve just been through such a dark period of chemo and side effects and basically thinking about death every day. Even though so many people go through this you feel very isolated and like nobody understands, because now everyone just tells you things are great and how lucky you are.

I think it takes time for our nervous system or subconscious to ‘catch up’ to what the brain knows to be true (I’m sure someone more clever will correct me if I’m wrong or maybe put it in more scientific terms!). Go easy on yourself OP, make a mental note to check back in with this thread or yourself in 8-12 weeks and you’ll see how different you feel!

You’ve been brave and positive throughout that awful ordeal and now you’re in a let down period - similar to when people get sick or feel exhausted as soon as they have time off work. Your emotional and immune system have been working incredibly hard and now there’s been a shift and of course you can’t just be “phew, that’s all right then!”. Allow yourself to feel exactly as you feel. Rest as much as you can.

Have you considered therapy to get it all out. You've had months of holding it all in and being the one holding the glue together. It's not bad to still be hurting and confused despite you not being the one with cancer.

I was the one with cancer for ref

What you are feeling is totally normal, and unfortunately I don’t have an answer for you but you are not alone. My husband was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia in October 2023 and was a few days from dying, and underwent 9 rounds of chemotherapy (inpatient) 8 infections requiring inpatient stay and a stem cell transplant. I think of life now as bc and ac (before cancer) and (after cancer). Things that help me are finding routine, trying to appreciate small things in a day ~ a short walk, a cup of tea. I still think about dark things that we’ve been through, hard moments and worst case scenarios and I hope over time it gets easier. I just want to tell you that you’re amazing. You’ve come this far. We can do hard things and just keep going, one step at a time. Sending love but most of all, be kind. Without walking this path, it is impossible to comprehend so you do what you need to do, and if that means being off work whilst you process and get yourself well, then so be it.