Stopped dc having contacted for now, not sure I've done the right thing

[Stoppedcontactfornow]

Dcs dad has them 2-4 nights per month. That's it.

His house is a shithole, he smokes around them, there's lots of manipulation, accidents, and general neglect.

There's no court order.

After a series of incidents over 3 visits I've made the decision to stop contact for now until we get some mediation and he bucks his ideas up.

I message regularly about incidents and he never responds, or if he does it will be with something like "well I picked them up 30 minutes early and their hair wasn't brushed" or "I don't tell you my concerns when dc have bruises" (very sporty dc so generally pretty bruised legs).

This was 2 weeks ago that I told him contact was stopping and to arrange mediation, and I've heard nothing at all from him.

How long do I leave this? Do I chase him up again? Have I even done the right thing?

Feeling guilty about the whole thing.

Have you posted about this before..?
If so Well Done you!!!

No, don’t chase him. The ball’s in his court to take action. Write down everything that’s happened with dates, times if you can.

Are your children upset or accepting of the situation?

I posted probably a few months ago and got some good advice, but things haven't improved at all unfortunately.

I've been keeping a diary for a while, and have screenshots of messages about various things with no reply, every time he has "slept in" and been unable to pick them up etc. Literally every time he has seen them there has been an issue of some type.

This last year I've stopped providing information he hasn't asked for, so no school reports, no club updates, if he asked I would have told him, but he hasn't asked at all.

I told my dc that dad just needs to sort out X Y and Z and then they can go back (all issues that they are aware of and expressed concern about) and they seem OK. I've had to block him on dcs phone as he keeps messaging manipulative things. I'm making sure we have plans on, what would be, his weekends.

I don't want to be that parent who withholds contact, but all the issues are serious, and he is impossible to communicate with.

If he just doesn't bother trying to fix the issues or getting mediation I'll be gutted for my dc. They love him, but he cannot look after them.

Think I just have mum guilt, but I can't fix this situation, I just have to make the least worst choice.

I spent years actually expecting my dc to have died in some incident when with their df. One, a toddler fell through a frozen pond for example.. Older dc told me when they had been home a few hours. No medical help sought... He was a feckless, reckless twat. When the dc turned teenagers they went nc with him and I breathed again. Yanbu at all op.

Oh my god, you must have been terrified/raging.

I imagine my dc will make the same choice in years to come as well.

He talks a great talk of being a fantastic dad, but the reality is that he can't cope, and they see that even now (both under 10).

Maybe this will light a fire under him? What I imagine is that he will stop maintenance and tell everyone I'm an evil controlling bitch though.

I want to engage under conversation and come to an agreement, but he just won't.

As a genuine warning to other dm's... He allowed teen ds to drink alcohol.. Wanted to be the cool parent.. One night ds had to go to hospital for his stomach pumped - he was 14. Exh actually asked the paramedic if HE could take his can with him. Ds became an alcoholic.. Mental health issues along side that now at late 20's. Don't be the cool one anyone reading this... It does cause immeasurable damage.