I regret to be a mom and a mom of a boy with cleft lip and palate

Anon10210 · 2024-08-18T15:20:06+00:00

I didnt know how it was to be a mother , it is hard but with a boy with cleft lip and palate it is worst, i love My boy but i regret to get pregnant and taking My boy to this horrible life of medical interventions and pain. I feel terrible sometimes i think that it is better that My boy rest to not suffer.

elliejjtiny · 18/08/2024 16:25

Oh bless you. How old is your son? My son is 11 and he was born with a cleft lip and palate. It can be hard at times, especially at the beginning when there are 2 operations fairly close together and you don't know the team but honestly it does get better. My son's surgeon really cares about the children he works with, I think they all do.

Scentedjasmin · 18/08/2024 16:35

Well, you weren't to know. Babies come as a shock to every mother. You really have no idea how much work and how frustrating it is until you have one. It's so exhausting. You do know that it wasn't your fault that he was born with one don't you? And that you didn't set out to get pregnant with a baby with medical needs? You do also realize that they won't be subjected to a life time of suffering either!! A couple of operations, which won't be pleasant for either of you, but will be made tolerable by good care and pain relief. I was friends with a girl growing up who had had one. Apart from a tiny scar above her lip (this was 35 years ago), you couldn't tell. It didn't effect her confidence or any other aspect of her life.
Well done though for coming on here to talk about how you feel. Your mental health is so important. Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you feel or your dr? Have you spoken to others in the same position? I think that would all help. X

RedHelenB · 18/08/2024 16:36

Which country are you living in OP?

Lwrenn · 18/08/2024 16:54

@Anon10210 are you in the UK?

A dear friend of mine, (I actually have 4 friends with sons born with cleft lips and my nephew had one) but one friend struggled hugely because she felt her son wasn't complete, he'd need surgeries until he was "finished" and felt huge guilt because she'd not been able to give birth to a child who was completed without surgery. (Her words)
Doesn't sound logical saying she felt guilty when it's nobody's fault but to a new mum with loads of hormones worrying about her sons surgeries, you can't tell how you'll feel.
I'm sure your beautiful boy will be fine once you get to have him back from his surgery and he's able to just be a wee boy without all the worry on you.
My SiL makes a donation to the smile train (I'll double check but im sure thats the charity) regularly, if you're not in the UK, can they help you cover costs for an operation? I don't know much about it but sil says they're amazing!

AddictedToBooks · 18/08/2024 16:58

One of my friends has a son who was born with a severe cleft lip and palate - he's had a number of corrective surgeries and has just had his final one aged 11 and I promise you, he is a happy, confident child who loves life - he isn't bothered by the surgeries because to him, it's just part of his childhood.

When he was born, it was very severe but now, unless you look at him very closely, you can't even tell.

You're obviously a good and very loving mum and I wanted to share my friend's son's story with you to show that it doesn't mean a life full of sorrow and pain - best wishes to both of you

thursdaymurderclub · 18/08/2024 17:02

.. my daughter is married too a lovely young man who was born with a cleft lip and palate.. i believe he had 2 years of surgery as a baby, but he and his parents came through it. i know it was hard for them, and my SIL is a very confident and capable young man now

SkytreeMadeOfClay · 18/08/2024 17:06

These replies are so lovely and supportive. OP may I suggest you get therapy, if possible? If you feel your child would be better off not here than living with the surgeries etc? That's quite extreme, and I'm worried you aren't coping. It's understandable to feel awful though, and therapy might help with the guilt. Your child needs you to be as strong as you can be.

My child had to have surgeries in early life too, and doesn't even remember anything about it. I'm hopeful your child will be the same, and life is so rich and varied, a condition that can be managed by surgeries is just a little part of it. I promise you will both come through it and reach happiness eventually ❤️ I don't think anyone can ever understand how upsetting it is to see your child having to go through medical treatment until they experience it, so be kind to yourself , it's very hard for you as well as for the child ❤️

Original poster

Anon10210 · 18/08/2024 17:30

elliejjtiny · 18/08/2024 16:25

Oh bless you. How old is your son? My son is 11 and he was born with a cleft lip and palate. It can be hard at times, especially at the beginning when there are 2 operations fairly close together and you don't know the team but honestly it does get better. My son's surgeon really cares about the children he works with, I think they all do.

He is 2months old, and he si using the NAM aparatus, is really harto changing adhesivo tapes , clean the palate and feed him. I feel like i'm dreaming and i want to wake up soon

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Original poster

Anon10210 · 18/08/2024 17:35

I'm living in Bolivia

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GoodVibesHere · 18/08/2024 17:42

Oh 2 months is so very, very young. He's still a tiny baby. You are doing so well just getting through each day, it's so hard at that age even without medical complications to worry about. You're doing an amazing job, you should be proud of yourself for being a great mum. When mine were that age I was still in shock at how hard it was being responsible for a tiny human.

Things will certainly get better.

Original poster

Anon10210 · 18/08/2024 17:42

Scentedjasmin · 18/08/2024 16:35

Well, you weren't to know. Babies come as a shock to every mother. You really have no idea how much work and how frustrating it is until you have one. It's so exhausting. You do know that it wasn't your fault that he was born with one don't you? And that you didn't set out to get pregnant with a baby with medical needs? You do also realize that they won't be subjected to a life time of suffering either!! A couple of operations, which won't be pleasant for either of you, but will be made tolerable by good care and pain relief. I was friends with a girl growing up who had had one. Apart from a tiny scar above her lip (this was 35 years ago), you couldn't tell. It didn't effect her confidence or any other aspect of her life.
Well done though for coming on here to talk about how you feel. Your mental health is so important. Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you feel or your dr? Have you spoken to others in the same position? I think that would all help. X

Thanks for your comment It was important to me to Say all that I feel , somethimes it is hard to Tell this to your relatives or Friends because of the afraid of the judgment.
Thanks for being so supportive !!

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Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/08/2024 17:44

Bless you, I think you probably need a good rest it sounds like you have been through a lot. It will get better x

Suitcasesthree · 18/08/2024 17:46

I have a cleft lip and palate and I'm still having surgeries at in my 40s. Its a tough road, but one you will hopefully manage. My mother often said (before I cut her out) that she wish she could have aborted me. I sometimes wish she had. I understand completely how you must feel right now as when I had my own children, I'd have aborted (up to the limit) a foetus with a cleft. I couldn't put anyone through the pain and emotional trauma I lived.

I would say, you must be positive for your baby now. He's here now and he will need you so much more over the years. His little character will start to emerge, he'll smile and laugh soon too. Then he'll walk and start to talk. He'll need you more then too, as he might need help with making sounds. Please, please don't be like my mother and reject your baby because of this.Surgery and intervention is so good these days and you'll hardly be able to tell soon.

Original poster

Anon10210 · 18/08/2024 18:22

Lwrenn · 18/08/2024 16:54

@Anon10210 are you in the UK?

A dear friend of mine, (I actually have 4 friends with sons born with cleft lips and my nephew had one) but one friend struggled hugely because she felt her son wasn't complete, he'd need surgeries until he was "finished" and felt huge guilt because she'd not been able to give birth to a child who was completed without surgery. (Her words)
Doesn't sound logical saying she felt guilty when it's nobody's fault but to a new mum with loads of hormones worrying about her sons surgeries, you can't tell how you'll feel.
I'm sure your beautiful boy will be fine once you get to have him back from his surgery and he's able to just be a wee boy without all the worry on you.
My SiL makes a donation to the smile train (I'll double check but im sure thats the charity) regularly, if you're not in the UK, can they help you cover costs for an operation? I don't know much about it but sil says they're amazing!

Hi! I'm not in they un , i'm from bolivia. Maybe that i feel a little bit more afraid of they surgery , because our technology it is not so advanced as un the US or Uk

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ohthejoys21 · 18/08/2024 18:26

Op please don't be afraid. Your little boy may need an operation but he will have a lovely and normal and good life.

Original poster

Anon10210 · 18/08/2024 22:24

Suitcasesthree · 18/08/2024 17:46

I have a cleft lip and palate and I'm still having surgeries at in my 40s. Its a tough road, but one you will hopefully manage. My mother often said (before I cut her out) that she wish she could have aborted me. I sometimes wish she had. I understand completely how you must feel right now as when I had my own children, I'd have aborted (up to the limit) a foetus with a cleft. I couldn't put anyone through the pain and emotional trauma I lived.

I would say, you must be positive for your baby now. He's here now and he will need you so much more over the years. His little character will start to emerge, he'll smile and laugh soon too. Then he'll walk and start to talk. He'll need you more then too, as he might need help with making sounds. Please, please don't be like my mother and reject your baby because of this.Surgery and intervention is so good these days and you'll hardly be able to tell soon.

I can't Even imagine all that Youve been through, i love My little boy i really do , and i think (making a deep research h in My heart ) that i'm afraid of 3 things 1 Lost My baby in a surgery procedure and 2 afraid of myself for having Lost My freedom and getting old without enjoy life and 3rd being alone in this road with My son cause i feel not being able to deal with all of this by myself. Thank You for yor comment it is really helpfull to know your point of view and do not fall un the same mistake of You mom. I send You a hug!

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