Should I give up trying…I just can't make good friends

[Littlelunch]

Apologies for the long post.

I'm mid 40’s and do not have a single close friend.

I'm not in touch with any of my childhood friends - I was sent to a different high school due to horrendous bullying and soon lost touch.

I'm not in contact with any high school friends - I always had large friendship groups but it was very fluid and when I split up with my high school boyfriend, he got the friends (all my friends were dating or very close to his friends so saved any difficulties).

Made very few friends in uni - was still with high school boyfriend throughout most of uni so wasn't as open to meeting new people as I should have been. Only in touch with one person from uni (which still equates to 50% of the friends I actually made there!)

Through hobbies I have made friends but I moved about 40 miles away several years ago and again, drifted away from those friends and the hobby.

I took up a new hobby a couple of years ago and have met loads of lovely people. If I arrange things there is always loads of people who are keen and come along but no one ever reciprocates. In fact, I'm often excluded from their arrangements with a subset of the larger group.

No one ever just messages me to check in or to make plans.

I'm not the most outgoing person and can be quite guarded with people I don't know but once I do know them I think I'm nice enough and always keen to hear about other people and have good, often deep conversations.

I don't get on with everyone - I'm never mean or nasty but can usually pick up quickly if I'll get on with someone.

I am also more guarded/sensitive than I want to be - due to the horrendous bullying I've experienced, I'm quick to turn away/take offence/feel hurt if people don't act the way I want them to towards me and I know that has been a massive factor for me as I will very quickly retreat inwards in these circumstances - by that I mean cease reaching out to them or being more reserved/guarded (never mean) and in those instances no one has ever reached out to me which just compounds the whole situation as I then feel as though I was never important to them in the first instance. I am also probably not proactive enough at reaching out to others either due to fear of rejection (or my perceived rejection).

It's a bit of a vicious cycle and I'm not sure if it's all me or a combination of my sensitivity and the type of people I've befriended? I suspect it's all me but does that make it easier or harder to solve?

Is there any point even trying to fix this at this age? Or am I just too complicated and difficult at this stage in life to even bother trying? It feels like most people already have their close friendship groups and aren't really looking to let anyone else in.

I don't knows, I can't advise, but me too.

I think you’re seeing a longer term pattern than in fact exists. Bullying or relationships wiped out school and university friendships, and a move ended others. But now sounds as if it has lots of good opportunities. When you say you’re organising lots of stuff now, do you only mean hobby things? Do you ever invite people over for dinner, in a way that takes the relationship outside of ‘People I see only because we’re singing Bach/playing water polo/ climbing mountains’?

It's interesting that you mentioned being guarded. Many years ago a friend I had lost touch with reached out saying I had popped into her mind and how was I? I responded and we caught up and see each other on and off but what really stands out in my mind is that based on that interaction, I feel comfortable to say the same thing to other people. I know how delighted I was to hear from an old pal. Funnily enough when people get in touch with me after ages I have often been thinking of them (it happened just today) so I think it's worth letting our guard drop and saying to people that we have missed them so just messaging to catch up. I frequently do exactly that now, just say to people it has been ages and you popped into my mind, how are things, and take it from there.

TLDR: never assume people won't be pleased to hear you were thinking of them and got in touch.

I agree, right now is probably the best chance I have of building some deeper friendships.

I did start meeting one friend for dinner but she then had several changes in circumstances (her illness, then her husband's illness then becoming a grandmother) that meant we weren't able to see each other much although still message occasionally.

I've just spent a weekend away with people I met through our shared hobby and while it all centred around the hobby there was lots of eating/drinking and broader discussions and now a very active WhatsApp chat planning another weekend next year. I've already suggested a catch up (hobby related) next week to try and keep momentum - no takers as of yet but fingers crossed I can build on that.

Me too.
I've given up trying to make friends or get back in with old ones. I've kind of got so used to not having friends that I dont even know how to invite people or be social anymore!

Thanks for this.

It's definitely worth a try. I did try something similar a few years ago with a previously good friend that I'd stopped contact with due to some wider issues in our friendship group (I'd had a run of miscarriages and felt very unsupported by them). She immediately blocked me so unfortunately it did not work that time but might work with other friends although I don't even have contact details for many of them - I'd need to try and find them on fb.

I'm with you there. I think I almost expect rejection now so don't bother putting myself out there!

I’ve moved a few times and you have to treat making friends like a FT job, throw yourself in 100%; put yourself forward for everything; and brush the rejections off without thought.

It can be hard but it’s worth it.

it sounds like you have lots of opportunities, you just need to pull them through and nurture.

Would counselling help to overcome the impact bullying had on you, and continues to have?

If you're guarded because of it, which is perfectly normal and a self defence mechanism, and that is impacting your about to forge closer relationships with others it might be worth looking into.

My sympathies OP. Please remember that Covid was massively disruptive to people's social networks, and sometimes life just works out this way, at least for a while, so don't be hard on yourself.

Always be open to striking up a conversation with people you meet, and try and find groups to do with things you are interested in. Few people genuinely find all of this easy, but it can be so rewarding when you meet your tribe.

Good luck! 😊🌷

You need to try this on people who have just drifted out of your life NOT those people where you actively ended the friendship.

Try BumbleBFF. I've made several new friends on there including one I'm now quite close with. Although I do have other friends from work etc I see occasionally, I find my BumbleBFF friends are more available and actively want to go out and do things.

I don't have many close friends although I had many in my younger years. I moved a few times and with family life and work keeping up with friendships was hard. I also found that I changed as I got older and found I had less in common with people at certain stages. I had lots of school gate mum friends at one point but that has mostly dwindled as that phase of life has passed. However I am satisfied with my work and family life and also my relationships with extended family. I am open to new friendships but not feeling like I am loosing out my not having lots of friends.

I don't have many friends as I've got older . It use to bother me a lot but as I've got older I've become more at peace with it. I'm pretty busy anyway.

I'd continue with the hobby and still arrange to do things with the group if it's something you want to do. But try not to have expectations beyond that.

Are there any local meet up groups in your area? We have one in our area that arranges cinema trips, weekends away, has a book club, a monthly steak night, and a weekly coffee morning.

Your subconscious is on high alert and very overprotective over you. It will sound warning bells over small insignificant infractions that other people would ignore. Your brain has built an overly protective fortress to make sure you never get hurt again. Go to counseling, maybe get some emdr therapy and get back on a more even keel.

I have found as I age that I don’t make deep friendships but more situational acquaintances through interests or work or kids.

I'm quick to turn away/take offence/feel hurt if people don't act the way I want them to towards me

This bit stood out to me. This is what I think you need to deal with. Look up stoicism. You have to let go off the idea that people should act in a certain way according to how you want them to act. If not, you will always have problems.

You mention another situation where circumstances beyond your control ended/restricted a friendship — I think you need more irons in the fire, as this is always a risk in any friendship. Why not invite sme of the hobby group to yours for dinner in a few weeks?

I recently did a big move and didn't know a soul. So I put myself out there and wrote on our town's Facebook page something along the lines of hi, I'm new to the country and would love to make new friends, any suggestions? And I had over a hundred responses of people suggesting things to try or places to go. I have made friends now and have had a lot of fun trying new things out.

It's not easy making friends as adults. But you've got to just keep trying I think.

I’m now recently retired, and realised that I have no real friends. I had my own business, a family and marriage to look after and just had no time to maintain friendships. I did have one close friend through DS school years but I now realise I am just the friend she goes dog walking with, and since my dog suffered an injury which will take 6-12 mnths to recover from I’m no longer of any use. I’m also the person she sounds off to which has become really draining.
I also noticed that after being diagnosed with breast cancer that so many casual friends disappeared. I’m not a martyr to cancer, I didn’t make it public knowledge. I used a closed Facebook group to keep family and only the closest people informed so most people are surprised if I tell them. I don’t dye my hair pink or publicly support fundraising. I have just got on with my life. But it seems to scare the shit out of most women, it’s almost like if they speak to you they are going to “catch it”.

Sorry to hear about your cancer @Angrymum22 . I hope your treatment goes well 💐

That was a brave move @ChapterJ , but such a good idea!

I don't have a wide social circle and definitely worried about my lack of friendships when I was younger. Like you, I'm not in touch with anyone from school, and I've also lost touch with university friends. I don't think I'll ever be someone who is awash with friends! But I have been fortunate to pick up a handful of good friends over the last decade or two.

For me, I think it did take a bit of a change of mindset and behaviour. I stopped looking to make friends and just focused on enjoying people's company (and being good, easy company in return) in the moment, without any expectations. Most people just want to have fun. Looking back I think I was so keen to establish 'friendship status' that I moved too fast into deep conversation territory and I learned the hard way it can be very off putting. My best friend (a former neighbour) took years to mature from good natured acquaintances to the strong friendship with have today.

Also, friendships are like relationships. There has to be a mutual spark. I'm sure we've all had the experience of being chatted up by someone who basically just wants a girlfriend, any girlfriend. It's like they don't really "see" you, and it's really obvious and a bit desperate. I've found that being more selective with people (without being in any way rude) actually helps.

Does that help at all OP?

Thanks for all of the responses.

I definitely do have some deep insecurities to deal with to address my over sensitivity. Interesting to see the mixed experiences of people who have taken a very active approach to making new friends vs just enjoying and being good company - I'd say I've probably been more of the latter mindset but clearly it's not working for me so I perhaps do need to be more proactive!

So little update. I have tried being more proactive and reached out to some acquaintances with mixed success.

Sent a couple of fb messages - one girl could barely muster more than a few word responses and conversation was very one sided so think that's a lost cause.

Another was receptive to making plans but quickly came to light I was a bit of a backup plan - she'd made plans with another acquaintance (no invite extended to me) which had fallen through so she was happy to make plans - oh boy said other acquaintance is now available again so could they come along too? Not an issue with including others but just really compounds my view that I'm not really someone people want to spend time with.

To top it all off another "friend" reached out for some advice from me on arranging a get together at a specific location that I've been to with some other friends - but was only after the information which I provided - I'm not actually invited to the event - just several of the others from our group.

I've decided just to give up. Luckily said hobby can be enjoyed solo albeit it's not as fun but I'm going to just stick to my own company now as it's actually getting a bit upsetting being rejected or made to feel second best all the time - appreciate it may seem dramatic but it really does feel like death by a thousand cuts.