Undertakers what do I need?

[thisiswheretheseagullfliesaway]

We are currently waiting for a close relative dying, we've been told it's a matter of hours, days and I've no idea what clothes etc I need to take to the undertaker? I lost my father as a young teen so had no input into those decisions.

Apologies but I feel totally clueless my mum has dementia so I can't ask her and there is nobody else left. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Being the only adult is a bit shit.

I am so sorry for your situation but don’t stress or worry too much about it, the undertakers will tell you exactly what you need to do, they are usually absolutely lovely people who understand this is probably the first time you’ve had to do this and will explain everything to you.

I agree that the undertaker will tell you exactly what you need to do so don't worry about not doing something or getting something wrong. They will ask if there is an outfit you want the person to be buried/cremated in but if you don't want to do this then they will just use a shroud.

My Dad died in July. You only need to know which funeral director you want to use at the moment. You will want to call them once a doctor has seen your relative to come and take them to the chapel of rest.
You can make an appointment a couple of days after to speak to them about arrangements and can give them any clothes then or they will provide a gown if you prefer.
I’m sorry- it’s such an awful time.

They’ll guide you through it all. You don’t need to take clothes the first time you go - they can be taken in later, they’ll let you know when.

The first thing they’ll want to do is work out a date, place and time; they’ll put you in touch with a celebrant (religious or civil depending what you want) and they’ll go through everything else with you. They make it as easy as possible for you.

Hi , just concentrate on the person, the family and yourself for now. You do not have to rush with anything else. Once the person passes, the right people will help you through it, paramedics/Dr whoever "calls" the passing will tell you what to do next, funeral team again will come to you and explain more.

I’m so sorry.

When my mum died last year we made appointments to visit a couple of local undertakers & as PPs have said, once we’d chosen one they were lovely & did everything for us, including suggesting a florist & a venue for afterwards.

Thank you all for calming me. I've a habit of panicking before I need to.

You'll be guided through it, don't worry.

You don't have to take clothes if you don't want. They use white gowns if you don't want to.

So sorry man, take care of yourself.

I can’t remember where I read it, but it was advice about not rushing. That we need to take the time to sit with the loss and the feelings rather than being distracted straight into lists and requirements.

What you need to do is manageable, you will be helped by the undertaker and the registrar.

I think the best advice we got was to get multiple copies of the death certificate while we were there as the copies are cheap at that point. Certified copies after the fact are more expensive.

I'm sorry you're facing this, it's not easy.

Just remember no one automatically knows what to do, we've either seen it arranged before or were guided through it by the undertaker and funeral celebrant. Try not to add more stress to what is already a difficult time.

Please don't worry, everything will be explained, you'll be able to sit down with them and ask all your questions. Hopefully there is a funeral plan in place too, it helps 💐

On clothing, you can choose what you would like them to wear, any jewellery or anything else you would like to be with the deceased. Undertakers are really helpful and their job is to get advise you all the way through if you want.

Echoing what others have said looking back the undertaker was the easiest and least stressful of everything to deal with with my dad they were amazing

As a regular person we don't deal with death and loss often, but the people who do are fantastic, they will help you through the process with care. In the UK we really don't talk about death enough, if we did it would be less scary to deal with. As I said before look after yourself too it's a hard time and a lot to deal with , you can do this x

I genuinely don't mean to sound disrespectful but your close relative hasn't even passed yet and you're already planning funeral things? Spend what time you have left with your close relative!

Oh FFS. There's always one.

Under takers are fantastic at guiding you. We choose for my Mum to wear her Pjs and dressing gown so she would be comfortable.

@HauntedbyMagpies some people find comfort in organising things. I spent 3 days and nights with my Mum, in the first 2 days I left for 2 hours a day to take the kids to school and have a quick shower. There was a lot of sitting around with some one who was unconcious for most of the time.

As others have said the undertakers will guide you. In addition when my parents died in hospital we received a leaflet outlining what to do next.

Yes I am. I'm Irish and practical following the death my house will be full for the next week. I'll be catering for every distant family member, neighbour and whoever feels like dropping in. From the minute the word goes out the phone and door doesn't stop. My fault for not pointing out we Irish do death differently.

I resigned myself to her death many years ago. She has advanced dementia and hasn't known me since 2019. She has a driver in and isn't aware of anything. I can't be with her without dragging a special needs teen and a mother with dementia into it. So practical it is.

I grieved her many times over the years, I'm not for grieving her coming death it will be a blessing. She was begging everyone before she was sedated to get her mummy to come for her. Who could grieve that?

Thank you for all the practical advice. Thankfully there is a Funeral Plan in place. I was worried about the clothes as she has lost so much weight she has nothing that fits her. I knew her views well and know she wants clothes instead of a shroud so will need to get her something appropriate.

A dearly loved close relative who had lived with me for years was dying - in a coma and not expected to live more than a few days. I went to our local (family run) undertakers to discuss the funeral because I knew after she'd gone I'd be too upset to think or plan clearly.
I visited twice a day (she was in our local cottage hospital) and talked to her in the hope she could still hear me. It enabled me to concentrate on her knowing I didn't have to worry or fuss about after she died.

The undertaker will walk you through it.
They will ask for suitable clothing. Really they are used to it and will tell you all the necessary steps.

I'm Irish too so I know how quickly it all moves and how busy it is.

Phone the undertaker and they will take it from there. A doctor/hospital will complete a form listing the cause of death, this allows the undertaker to plan the burial/cremation.

They will advise on the service itself, whether religious or humanist. The funeral director will also publish the death notice and you can request the house is private for certain times, or completely if the reposal will be in a funeral home (some will ignore this though). The priest or humanist celebrant will meet with you and help you to plan the service. You register the death after all of this has happened as funerals here are within 3 days of death, 4 at most.

You will need to book wherever you have refreshments after the burial too, but again the hotel etc will be very helpful and empathetic.

Just to add, the funeral directors can adjust the clothes so they look like they fit during the reposal.

Sending lots of sympathy; it’s a horrible time. Had to do this recently for beloved dad - as we also knew it was imminent I had selected an undertaker (who had a 24 hour number, he died at home). If she is in a care home they’ll know the doctors numbers etc for certification. The undertakers were wonderfully compassionate and handled everything with great kindness, respect and dignity - I agree with PP about death certificates; it’s amazing how many you need. We had 10, and made sure to request they were returned; I think they were around £11 a copy when we went to register the death… Being naive I was surprised we had to pay the GP for a death certificate, but I don’t know how that works in Ireland. Best wishes with it all; people will be kind and guide you. X