Daughter Challenge with Friends

[TalkMutherhood]

Every indicator has pointed to my daughter (11 years old) being shunned by her friend group:

1. She was avoided during a father/daughter camping trip. Even her 'best friend' only looked out for her when her dad told her to check in.
2. My daughter showed up at the pool in the summer when a mom directed me that the girls were there and one girl ['bully'] said 'why are you here? let's go'. My daughter who has very strong emotional control came home crying. I called the mom that told me the girls were there to try to understand. The 'bully's' mom called me to tell me how she is "possessive of the group but she sees me daughter as an important friend that she really wants her daughter to be friends with in the future."
3. Note 'bully' has called me daughter very mean things, always has the girls run away, removed my daughter from a messaging string, always barks at her when she tries to talk.
4. Funny thing is that my daughter was her 'safety net' when a different group pushed the bully out in fourth grade.

With all of this, my daughter keeps chasing down the 'best friend' in the group. This girl makes no effort at school to be with my daughter. I would love help with two things:

1. How can I help my daughter 'move on'? Seems like she's chasing these girls and is always unhappy.
2. The moms of 'the group' have invited us to a family beach dinner. If I tell my daughter, she will want to go thinking she's being 're-added'. Do I stay silent and not respond? Do I speak up? Do I give my daughter the option? Do I simple decline?

I know friendships can circle back at any time and want to be mindful of that but my daughter is clearly hurting and I am hurting for her. I am also holding onto my own baggage from childhood.

I think I would explain to her about different personality types. There is one particular type of person (the bully) who will be welcomed into a group and will then target another member to ostracise, in order to make themselves more important. Other members of the group (i.e. your DD’s ‘best friend’) aren’t always strong enough to either recognise what’s happening or to stand up to the bully, in case they’re ostracised next. It’s not because your DD isn’t lovely. It’s because the bully saw her as a threat.

Encourage her to realise that chasing the group is never going to turn back time or persuade her former friends to stand up to the bully. She might need to develop her confidence, but she needs to explore new friendship groups. Are there any activities or groups she could join to meet new people? This group is dead in the water, until the bully targets the next girl and it’s someone else’s turn to be ostracised. At which point, the next victim will be running to your DD, who can decide whether to forgive or forget.

I’d be inclined to decline the invitation to the beach dinner. There’s no need to burn any bridges so just thank them for the invitation with a ‘sorry we can’t make it, maybe next time’.