How do you make changes to make yourself happier, when you don’t know what changes you need?

[TheHorneSection]

I feel lost, maybe like many women in their forties. I know that something isn’t quite right and I don’t relish the idea that the next 5 years might just look the same as this, but I’m not sure what I want to change, or even what I can change. Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm bored and coasting at work, switching between doing the bare minimum (which is easy to do as my job requires landing projects every now and again which look harder than they are) and pushing everywhere to get more involved in other areas. Realistically I need a new job, professionally it’s beyond time to move onto the next challenge, but for good reasons that’s not entirely possible, mostly to do with DH taking on a new role that will be hard and long hours. I need the flexibility that comes with 10+ years of work at the same firm. I’m not going to be able to rely on him as much for help with the house and DC (snr emergency services job, so it’s not even like it gives us the money…)

I could whinge for hours about yet again feeling last place in our family, being the one stuck in a boring job because it suits our DC and our family, but that’s self defeating. I know something needs to change but I’m not sure what or how. New job? Not a good idea. More hobbies, get healthier? Unreliable hours that DH is home and no free babysitting.

We have a lovely house, great kids, good friends, a nice lifestyle, I can’t even complain about my salary. Everything is great on paper. But I’m losing my identity and my sense of who I want to be, maybe even just wasting it on feeling mildly miserable about so many things.

What do I do? What did you do?

In five years time, do you want to be in the same situation? If not. Get out. Write down a plan..and do it. I'm in the same boat. That unsettling feeling that my future self will be pissed that I stayed out of fear.

Do you make plans for things to look forward to? Social life? Good group of friends da to hang out with? Hobby you can get into? Life is about more than work anyway, it’s a means to an end. I wouldn’t rule out a change in jobs, many companies have a flexible working as they know parents need to be able to be home for kids and family priorities. Find a company with a good culture.

Do you look after yourself? Exercise, diet, sleep? Do you make time for yourself to read a book? Or go for a walk?

I don’t want to be in the same situation. But I want to be in this house, with DH, with the same friends and the same life for our DC. Yet changing much about my job - the hours or the salary - negatively impacts all of the above. If that makes any sense?

I have good friends, get time to myself at home, read, eat well - I could do more exercise to be fair, but that’s difficult to schedule in at the moment, though in another few years the kids will be old enough to be left at home alone for a bit.

It’s like a whining, self-defeating, background sense of but, but, but 😅 A midlife crisis without the sports car!

I’m probably not explaining it well. I’m in a funk, and I’m not entirely sure how I get myself out of being unattractively self pitying when I have so much to be happy with.

maybe work on thinking about what your ideal lifestyle, job etc would look like - what has always interested you and what would you really LOVE to do. Then make one small change / step towards it. Or if you are not sure what to change just try to change one thing, anything you can think of that you woudl enjoy e.g. start going to the gym, book a week in India, or whatever. Once you've taken a small step the rest will come into view.

I’d recommend finding a good therapist if you’re able to afford it.

Try lots of new things on a frequent basis so that it almost becomes a mini hobby to think of something new to have a go at.

This might be trying a food you have never eaten, cooking something new, walking somewhere you haven't been before. Going to an exercise class that you haven't done before, try a new form of exercise or sport or more of transport. Reading a book from a different genre to your norm, listen to a different type of podcast.

Out of that you just get a freshness in your approach.

I think you need to exercise. It's good for mental health. I also think you'd benefit from learning something new or taking on a challenge.

are you just bored ....not unhappy

Oh hello, I think I might be you. In a funk definitely describes how I feel…haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet though, so no sage advice I’m afraid.

Placemarking as I think I may be you OP

I'm mid forties now and was exactly the same op

Great family,great lifestyle but money was tight still and everything felt so dull and safe.

I took a massive leap of faith within my career two years ago and went self employed and my god what a challenge it's brought but an amazing one.

I've gained skills I never thought I would.

I've had some real hard stressful times over the two years and many times sat and craved my dull life but the financial security and freedom my business brings is too good to miss

I've grown so much as a person in two years and as a family we have the choices of things to do,places to go etc that we never had before.

That in itself has been awesome but I also make sure I treat myself to little luxuries.

I buy really good skin care and have really good routine with it now

I use Chanel no 5 soap every morning in the shower and it feels amazing.

I get my nails gel polished once a month

I buy nice quality clothes now that I can and that makes me feel good

When you feel good about yourself it lifts that feeling of being invisible.

Me and dh are also going through a great uptake in our sex life and that makes me feel good. And younger again

Honestly op take a few leaps of faith.

I was going to say exactly the same.

just start doing as many new or different things as you can. Maybe one thing a day, or week.

Even very small things, like taking a new route to work, trying a new recipe, or styling your hair differently, can bring all kinds of surprises as well as just being fun. You might get some insights along the way into what it is you want to change.

Regarding work, you seem to be stuck because you want the flexibility your current work provides. But does it have to be an either / or? Could you see any way to having that flexibility in a new role elsewhere?

A fitness challenge. Or a mental challenge. Or both. I'm mid 40s. It's that realisation that it's a marathon not a sprint. Also the importance of health now for later life cannot be underestimated. So making the most of and appreciating what your body can do. Learn a new skill etc.

I am also you OP. Watching with interest

When your DH was considering his new role and hours, was there a conversation about the impact that might have on you, on your ability to contemplate a new job, and the level of family tesponsibility that would fall to you?

If not, why not?

Ok but look at it this way - your DH has taken a job which is negatively affecting you and the kids because of the long unsociable hours. That didn't stop him taking it. Did he even consult you on that? Was there a discussion/ compromise?

If you want to change your job (which from the sounds of it is the thing bothering you the most), then look into doing it. Either by retraining or looking for a different role.

How about uni or a course that would further your career? Is there anything work need that they can co tribute towards you learning? Getting out of the workplace for lectures might recapture your interest in the job?

Workplaces are more flexible than they were 10 years ago. I would start looking for a different job in addition to trying new things. If you get an offer, talk to them about flexibility. You don't have to take a role if it won't suit you.

I can’t blame DH. He’s in a difficult role and to a degree, after getting it he’s realised it’s going to be busier than initially suggested. It’s an important role though so I’m not going to criticise him.

I've registered with all the agencies to look for a new role, as that probably is the biggest problem. I’d love a dramatic change but financially we can’t afford for me to take much of a decrease so that’s not on the cards right now. I’m not prepared to have us having to make significant cuts to kids clubs and other lifestyle changes just because I’m a bit grumpy with work.

A course or something is a good shout. And lots of great tips on little changes to make.

I suspect I just need to change my mindset for another few years and ride it out. In another few years, the kids will be older, DH will probably have moved role again, and I’ll still only be late 40s - more than young enough to make another big career push.