If your co-parent is toxic - how do you cope?

[Pleasegotobed]

Just that really. I’m exhausted from years (literally) of dv and feel utterly ground down by his behaviour. We’ve been separated for 3 years and it still continues- it just feels relentless.

He is taking me to court for 50/50 and simultaneously refusing to collect the children from school on the days he currently has them. If I don’t collect them he just leaves them at school - then blames me for breaking the agreement if I don’t deliver them.

This month he has decided he won’t pay cms anymore - the court order was only made in March. I would need to go back to court to enforce it, he otherwise gives me not a single penny. As in - he won’t provide a packed lunch or lunch money for the single day he sends them to school in the morning and has not bought them so much as a pair of socks in last 3 years.

I just feel like I can’t cope with the constant onslaught of litigation and harassment. I’m tired. I’ve tried all the advice, I grey rock, my emails are polite and brief and I don’t engage. But he escalates until he gets a reaction.. last week he forced himself into the car at handover and held my arm so I couldn’t leave.

Has anyone been in this situation and it has got better? Has anything helped? How have you coped?

Forcing himself into your car and forcibly holding your arm is Domestic Violence. You should have reported this to Police. Also reported to Social Services as this is happened in front of your child. Sod him taking you to Court for 50/50. He’s not f. .g
fit to be in charge of a child if he treats the mother like that. If this happened fairly recently you should report it to the Police asap. Tel them your child was preteen it happened. Tell them you’re scared of him. And ask for advice. You could go to Court for a non- molestation in order. Don’t sit back and let him treat you like this. OR phone Women’s Aid for advice - Don’t just do nothing.

The only way through this is to become totally 100% independent of him - no reliance on his money, his pick ups, or anything at all from him

Just pretend he doesn't exist and get on with your life without him. Which does include absolutely no contact at all, including nice emails.

He might send a nasty solicitors letter, but that means jack shit, just get on and do your life.

That sounds really rough. My ex is bad as well but I don't have to co-parent to the extent you do, mostly cos he a lazy git. Been separated 5 years.

I grey rock so he gets nasty with the kids as it's the only thing I react to.
My best resource has been the head teacher at my kids school, supportive and points out extra help. If your ex is sending them in without food/not picking them up then they will have noted. My kids school had a record of incidents my son had talked about, not much in themselves but were included in a report from the school to social services after ex assaulted them and it was used to show a pattern of behaviour from him to them.
If he's forcing his way into your car and grabbing you, go to the police, get a log of incidents, a record is good.
After yet another incident with mine I reduced contact to 2 hours once a week supervised by his parents and it's bliss. He rages and threatens 50/50 but has never made any effort to go to court or get an official contact order.
I'm lucky in that although his parents gloss over his behaviour (I/kids wind him up and make him do stuff apparently) they won't let him shirk paying maintenance.

Are you supposed to pick the kids up and taxi them to him? How old are they? If he's supposed to get them you need to not pick them up. If he doesn't, ask the school to phone you and tell them to record it. Get a dashcam for your car and report EVERYTHING. Don't ever react, get one of those apps for coparents for all communication to go through so there's a paper trail. I've had to do this but not giving in to ANYTHING eventually does work. It's hard and exhausting.

Apply to your local Family Court for a non-molestation order. I did this while still married, although my H had left at this point. He pays no maintenance, nor does he see the children much but I have nothing at all to do with him.

Report any violence/harassment to police

Collect children if he doesn't, explain to school dad hasn't collected again and take them home. Message him to collect from yours if he still wants them that day.

Put everything in writing. Every decision he makes, screen shot any abuse.

Involve ss if you have any concerns.

Grey rock his behaviour

Limit communication to kids arrangements. Everything in writing.

I mainly agree, however I would ask school to be more involved. If he fails to pick up from school and it has been written that he is to on those days then give the list to school and your kids. If he fails or refuses to pick them up and school contacts you, tell them to contact social as well. Have a friend of friend who went through similar and she realised she was hiding his behavior from school and kids. The more his behaviour is known the better your children can be protected from his mood swings. It does mean getting social involved thought

Thanks all. There is a non molestation order in place - he mostly just ignores it as he does pretty much every court order we have. It’s much harder than you think to actually enforce this stuff in any meaningful way. I do report stuff to the police too, I reported the grabbing me. The kids schools are quite good, one of them clearly sees through him. I feel like I do everything I can but nothing meaningful ever actually changes - I deal with one thing and he just thinks of something else… I am exhausted from it. I thought it would calm down in time but it doesn’t - it just continues!

The kids are 10, 12 and 15.

What do the kids think of him? You're at the stage if he's a prick they'll stop wanting to go. Mine are 13 and 15 and even the one he had convinced he's amazing barely sees him now. If you let the 15yr old stop going (no court would force them) it'll plant a seed with the others. It's a long road but it does get easier the older the kids get

Such a difficult situation, no wonder you are exhausted. I was there in a very similar mess two years ago - there’s no easy answer just keep strong and try not to engage. Keep a record of his behaviour, video any incidents on your phone if you can. You should report his behaviour to the police but that will open up a whole new can of worms that will include Social Services becoming involved - eventually that may be the only way out of this mess - it was for me but it was a long and exhausting process. Two years on he has met someone and is no longer interested in tormenting me. Plus I have the security of a court order and lots of police involvement means he is unlikely to ever be granted 50/50 custody as there is a record of his behaviour.

I wish you strength. Hang in there - it may feel impossible but this will pass.