What can I do to make Christmas better this year?

[Sleephound]

I've found Christmas a struggle since DH died and DC became adults, I don't know what a family Christmas is supposed to look like.

All my family are lovely and I enjoy time with them, but it's quiet, easy time, we're never going to be described as "fun loving".

Left to me, I'd run away and go on a week long hike somewhere warm, but I have:

23yo DS1, the most lively of us all, but he has a GF with a big lively family and whilst I know he'll spend the day with us if I ask him to, he'd also be very grateful if I tell him it's OK to go there.

21yo DS2 who is still struggling with his father's death. Would far rather spend the day on his PC than with family. Is very hard work socially when I try and make him join in.

My parents in their 80s, who have suddenly become old and grumpy. There is no conversation my dad, in particular, can't turn into "the state this country is in".

Left to me, I'd either go away or meet some friends at parkrun then spend the day outdoors or watching films with good quality chocolate, but I feel like I can't dessert the others, who mostly don't show that they care if I'm there or not, but probably do.

WWYD?

I think you just need to be honest with them.

If they do actually feel the way that you have described, then it sounds like your sons will be relieved not to feel "obliged" to spend the day with you and you will all get to do what you feel comfortable and happy doing. If they truly care about you, and what you want then this is a win/win for everyone.

As far as your parents are concerned, you should still do what you want. Why should three of you sit around in an air of doom and gloom and negativity about the state of the world when you could be outside doing what makes you feel happy.

I'm sure there will be replies along the lines of "but they are your parents/children...". Well, you are also a parent and a child. Their needs don't trump yours.

If they love and respect you then they should be happy for you to spend what might be a difficult day doing your own thing and being happy.

Just make sure that this is really what you want though, and not something that you are saying because its what you think they want you to say.

I hope you manage to have a lovely day however things turn out.

We go away now. After years of it all falling on me and getting criticisms dd and I decided last year we will just go away and leave my dad to not celebrate alone. The last 4 years had been foul with him shouting, ignoring, demanding and last year was so refreshingly relaxing! I think he is still sulking about it but every year he tells us he won't celebrate birthdays or Christmas. It's like having the Grinch over and dd and I just want to enjoy it.

Could you and DS21 go away? Book a nice cottage in the countryside, you have peace and quiet and if he wants to sit online let him while you do chocolate & films?

I think you do what you want without trying to be all things to all the relatives. It's not wrong to look affter yourself when you've been through a dreadful time. Eldest DS can go off to his GF's, younger one will be happy if you leave him plenty of food - no pressure on him to be sociable or find 'the spirit of Christmas'. And your parents can grumble to each other, you don't have to provide their entertainment or their audience.

Go away somewhere lovely, if you stay at home you'll feel a lot more guilt to play your usual role of for all of them. Make this a Christmas for you.

I agree. You sort yourself out otherwise it’s another Christmas disappointment:

You can take the younger DS away so you can book a restaurant for dinner - he can sit in if he wants to.

Think about yourself for a change x

There is no “supposed”. Everyone takes time off, if they can, at this time of year. Do what will help you rest and be cheerful.

It's tricky when Christmas changes, especially when the gap is in part caused by a missing family member. I lost my mum just after xmas '22 and last xmas didn't feel right at all. Add onto that working children in their 20's and it's a struggle to make a family Christmas. My youngest went to her dad's last xmas as it felt so weird here.

I guess we need to evolve with the changes but it is hard and it isn't the same as when there are young ones in the mix.

After my mum died, when I was a young adult, we (my Dad, brother and me) went on city breaks over Christmas for a few years. We just couldn’t face pretending to have a fun Christmas. So we got to spend a pleasant few days with each other, eating out at nice foreign restaurants and sitting on terraces instead of being cooped up inside in cold rainy England feeling miserable.

After a few years of this, and once my db and I had partners, we felt ready to spend Christmas at home again, and created new traditions so that it didn’t feel like we were trying to recreate the past. The years after a bereavement are tough; do what works for you

Your mum and dad have each other; they won’t be alone. Tell one dc to go to his girlfriend’s, tell the other that there’s food in the cupboard and to have a lovely time on his pc. And then you have yourself a bloody lovely Christmas by doing whatever it is you want to do to get through it without your DH. Do it now, so everyone has time to get used to it and nobody feels obliged to do things they don’t really want to do because they’ll be worrying about you, and how you’re coping.

I don't think you can assume your 21 year old will be OK alone, if they are struggling. Can the two of you ignore Christmas day together, then you go away boxing day? Or do a non-Christmas air bnb so he can still be antisocial?

Its a bit left field but when I was alone over Christmas I volunteered and it was great. You could try that!

All my family are lovely and I enjoy time with them, but it's quiet, easy time, we're never going to be described as "fun loving".

A quiet, easy time in the busyness of the run up to Christmas sounds lovely. As my kids get older I’m really enjoying the transition to a more chilled Christmas. We have good food, decent movies, a good walk (now with dog in tow). It’s not the same as the noisy, toy filled Christmases when they were small but a nice relaxed day. We’ll do some Christmas type things in the run up - maybe go to the theatre do a lights display etc but the day itself is easy. Do what you feel you need - they are all adults and might be relieved not to have the pressure to be “fun loving” if it’s not in their nature.

Remember there is no law which says you have to celebrate Christmas at all. Treat it as a bank holiday and do whatever you like, given the weather. Everyone else will be alright, but make sure your younger son is happy.

Maybe book to go away with him with the understanding that he can stay on his PC if that is what he prefers. You can run, walk, eat chocolate, watch TV, read a new book.

Some years we have had a slightly more traditional Christmas, two or three times we have gone hill walking, and last year we used the time to repaint two bedrooms. Once DC are adults who can make their own plans it all becomes easier.

I think I'd have very honest conversations with my kids about how Christmas is hard, you're going to be there for them but also take some time for yourself (do a run, whatever).

Make or buy some nice food (but not high effort), do low key gifts, decorate a small amount.

Tell them you don't want to either not mark it or force it and you want them to tell them what they want/need.

The most important thing is you let yourself, and them, find it hard without pressure or judgement .

You don't need to do it you know? It's not compulsory.

Why don't you do park run and films, let DS1 go to his girlfriends and DS2 sit on his computer.

Order a take away

In the new year organise a meal for everyone at home or out in a restaurant, make that a new tradition.

No, exactly. He's better than he was, but the first time I "left" him I hid the paracetamol. It really hasn't been good with him. I can't leave him alone are Christmas, even if that's what he says or thinks he wants.

I mean, in my circumstances, being alone seems like a good option, but it's still miserable to think that's your best option, iyswim.

Are you a carer for your parents or are they perfectly capable of doing themselves xmas lunch?

If they'll be fine to be left to it, I'd speak to your younger DS and see if he fancies going away somewhere for a few days "to avoid Christmas". City break abroad maybe?

If he doesn't fancy it then get some nice food/snacks in that you and he can just pick at later in the day, and go on that park run/do whatever you fancy. Maybe take your parents out for lunch somewhere on Boxing Day if you feel guilty!

Yeah it is horrible when Christmas is crap, i had a few years like this and avoidance was best for me. Hope you find something that works for you ❤️

I feel like I can't dessert the others, who mostly don't show that they care if I'm there or not

Stop putting other people's feelings first at the expense of your own. No-one else does by the sound of it.

If you're able to afford it, have a look at a group or self guided hiking holiday abroad and ask DS2 if he wants to join you either for the whole thing, or part of it.

Somewhere like Morocco would be good, or even Spain/Canaries as a December Christmas is very much less of a thing there, where 5/6 January are the main celebration days.

Or at the very least, look after yourself, you've had a traumatic time too. Don't cook a big meal if you don't want to, do some easy food and spend the time how you like (outdoors, then watching films).

If you feel obliged to include family, how about suggesting a meal out on a different day to Christmas/Boxing Day, eg 27/28 December. So you all can spend time together, but it's less about 'Christmas' pressures.

This, 100%.

Tell everyone now you’re doing it differently this year and it will be park run in the morning, films in the afternoon and a takeaway in the evening. Anyone welcome to join you but you’re also happy if they’d rather do their own /more traditional thing elsewhere.

Go to parkrun, ask your son to have a nice xmas day brunch with you when you get back then leave him to spend the afternoon on the computer while you head outdoors and plan an easy supper to have together.

Growing up my grandmother spent every Xmas I can remember alone. Xmas eve was 'open house' she had a buffet that she topped up periodically and family / friends popped round with presents and to collect their presents.

She always treated herself to some lovely flowers and spent the day watching TV and reading.

Sorry for your loss

It's difficult to please everyone, sometimes we have to be selfish and do what we want/like.

I'm not sure why, but when there has been a death the special days hit harder, the day before is not so bad, even the day after. There's just something that hits us like a ton of bricks on those special days .

Are you into Christmas dinner? Do you still want to do a dinner ? What about arranging a Christmas dinner a few days earlier, do all that goes with it ie presents etc invite everyone parents, gf etc then on Christmas Day do your parkrun, meet friends, let your ds visit his gf and your other ds have his own space and later on have a nice tea with your ds at home and chocolate and movie .

Your parents will be fine, they'll have had a nice dinner with you days before, they will probably be happy to take it easy on the day itself, we feel guilty about not including them or not doing the normal stuff on the day and ensuring they're ok but if they've reached the point where they are grumpy they'll be delighted to stay home doing their own thing.

You could always arrange a few days away in the new year hiking, something to look forward to, maybe your ds at home who's struggling would like it and feel up to joining you, if he's not into hiking maybe he could do some short walks, relax in a nice hotel etc it's a difficult age especially when they are struggling mentally as they don't want to do anything at all, it can feel like a battle.

Book a cottage in lake district or somewhere else with amazing hiking. Invite both DS's but tell them it's ok if they want to stay home. Take this Xmas to eat nice chocolate, hike and you can Skype your parents and DC early on Xmas morning then the rest of the day is yours. You could invite a walking friend to join you.