Does anyone else have a partner that’s tidier than them?

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DH is someone who really needs surfaces to be clear. I like this too but am a bit on the ADHD side of life (not diagnosed - not sure I’d meet criteria fully but have tendencies). I really need to leave stuff out at times as memory prompts; if I have a bday gift that needs wrapped the next day I’ll leave it out, a letter that needs actioned etc. I’d prefer to have a laundry basket in a visible place to prompt me to do it, and if it’s tucked away somewhere it’s kinda dead to me.

Anyway, we have a recurring argument where he’s put away things that are needed, and he doesn’t know where he’s put them when I ask. It’s usually things connected to ‘wifework’ like birthday things, toys or items that matter to kids. Occasionally he’s thrown away valuable things. I find it so frustrating.

On his side, I hear he’s frustrated that when he feels things are looking chaotic, he wants to tidy up without facing my annoyance. He feels I’m ungrateful for all the tidying he does. I don’t think this is true overall but I agree I find it hard to be grateful when his tidying feels like it causes me problems.

Anyway I’m wondering if anyone else deals with this? I know some women would be delighted to have a man who tidies so maybe I am ungrateful. He thinks the solution is for me to have a ‘messy area’ where he can put all the stuff and I can sort in my own time. This is fine to a point but we’d need one in every room! I want him to check in with me more and ask me about things he doesn’t recognise. He thinks this is unrealistic, which I understand too. I don’t know what the solution is really but I want this to not keep coming around.

Anyone relate?

Have lived like that for years, but having downsized a few years ago, I became tidier myself. Nobody sees that because I do make a lot of mess. But I have done a lot of decluttering and organising over the years, so a lot of things are very tidy. My kitchen drawers, for example. Rest of kitchen while I cook is very different.

I gave in most of the time because my 'messy spaces' upset him, and I like a quiet life.

So he’s not actually tidying things - he’s hiding them. Tidying means putting something away in a clear and sensible place, not just shoving it away anywhere and forgetting about it or worse throwing it away!

Neither of you is ‘wrong’ in your needs per se - it’s not unreasonable to either need things out to give you visual cues or to need things hidden away and find visual clutter stressful. Obviously the problem comes when you have these conflicting needs. I don’t think it’s actually about being ‘tidy’ but about having different needs. You might find it helpful to read about different organisational styles on the Clutterbug website - another poster mentioned this on another thread and I thought it was really interesting, including that some people need to see things and some people need them hidden and neither is ‘wrong’ - or ‘right’ for that matter!

Personally I hate clutter and it makes me physically uncomfortable but I recognise that this is part of the fact I have OCD (not using this term lightly, I do actually have it) and that sometimes I need to live with the discomfort.

I would say that he needs to stop randomly throwing things away, and that he can only put things away out of sight if a) he takes responsibility for reminding you to do whatever it is or doing it himself and b) he makes a note of where he put them. It also sounds like you both maybe need to look together at the organising systems you have in your home.

Edited to add: could you explore other ways to remember things like reminders on your phone?

And, why does he think it’s unrealistic to check in with you about things he doesn’t recognise? Sounds like impatience on his part - he’s not wanting to sit with the discomfort of waiting for an answer.

Thanks for the replies. Yes definitely declutterring and organising helps in the parts of the house I have managed that in. It’s stressful as he loves to do declutterring but because he’s so renegade with peoples stuff I feel I can’t let him and then it’s all on me and I get overwhelmed. He would say he’s not and I’m holding onto grudges for times he’s thrown stuff away/hidden he shouldn’t - maybe to an extent but this is more than an occasional issue.

I agree it’s not tidying and I do appreciate the tidying he does - for example he takes care of most of the dishes and tidying kitchen, as I do all the cooking. But this feels more hurtful to me, like a fundamental disrespect for my role in managing bdays and all the other life admin I do. He does various life admin and sees it as fully his job, and thinks I should develop my systems so that I don’t need to rely on him to do things my way, he feels that’s a burden he doesn’t put on me. I just don’t think that’s realistic in running a home with kids.

He will not agree/be able to remember where he puts everything- that is a clutter issue. And definitely impatience, he just needs things done, yesterday. I’m struggling to get him to see how this impacts me, but he’s said he will check in more when he’s about to tidy, so let’s see.

Yes! To the point where I've been in the middle of making a drink, returned from the fridge with milk to find that the glass has been put back in the cupboard. Then it's "I'm only tidying". It is incredibly frustrating.

Mine used to be like that and I feel a bit guilty that I may have ground him down over the years to become more slovenly. I am the opposite and I do keep things tidier than I would left to myself because I love him and want him to be happy, but not to the extent that he initially wanted, as I find that soulless. Basically I think between my low standards and his high standards we have a normal house.

He is now not as healthy as he was and I do feel bad that the house isn't as tidy as he would maybe like now that he doesn't have so much energy but he never says anything now. I grew up in a chaotic household where there were constant panics that important documents had gone missing in the chaos and anything could be anywhere at any given moment, and I am so grateful to him that we don't live like that as I think we would if left to me.

My wife is a clutter freak, window sills are a breeding ground for her clutter of nicnac tat crap, im a minimalist, but i accept her ways because that's apart of who she is.

That is good of you! I’m not a nic nac clutterer, window sills are fine, it’s mainly kitchen surfaces full of things that need actioned. And I get ragey about him throwing out some of the kids pictures and things special to them. He’s stopped doing that now to be fair on him, we have a place he can tidy pictures to.

I relate very much to your comments about the chaotic house and the panics about things that are missing. And similarly, DH didn’t grow up like that and I am grateful that he brings more order than that. Documents have a nice storage place that he is in charge of.

I also have become waaay tidier due to him, as we had so many arguments when we first lived together. And now I do feel anxious when things are messy, I really have become used to a tidy environment feeling more relaxing. I guess where we differ is that in a fairly organised room, leaving things out to remember them, is very reasonable and I think I should be able to ask him where they have gone if he tidies them. He thinks there’s so much stuff he couldn’t possibly be expected to remember, and under all the practicalities I just feel hurt and a bit disrespected.

Happened to me this morning, was chopping some melon for the kids and went to return it to the plate it was on, and voila, plate disappeared by magic 🙄

Dh thinks he is. Unfortunately he isn't.

My dad can be manically tidy, which was totally infuriating at times. In family legends is the time dm was going to the station to pick up a friend she hadn't seen for years when he rushed out and declared.
"Stop, you can't possibly have someone to visit when the airing cupboard is so untidy. You must tidy it first"

Mum suggested that her friend would far rather have an untidy airing cupboard the visitor would probably never see the inside than have to wait at the station for an hour while it was tidied.
She went to the station.

That made me laugh. People are so strange aren’t they. DH’s tidiness would never venture into ‘must tidy for guests’/keep up appearances - that’s more my dept and be gets annoyed that my standards for visitors are too high!! (Wouldn’t get anywhere near the realms of this example however :)