How can I teach my child to be less dramatic?

[Wentie]

Just turned 4 year old is generally very whiny but in an ‘everything is the end of the world dramatic’ way rather than the background noise type way.

for example she can be watching tv and suddenly wail “I need a drink” and be really seemingly upset in 0-100. Each and everytime since she was tiny we have always calmly corrected eg “well you don’t ask like that, how do you ask” etc and she will then ask nicely but the initial wailing and drama is always there. Sometimes it actually makes me jump and I do find it sets my heart racing sometimes as it is so dramatic and disproportionate/ out of nowhere i immediately think “what’s happened?!” Then realise it’s nothing. That reaction is always internal and hidden and we never pander or make a fuss or rush around her.

she gets a lot of attention, and this isn’t seemingly always for attention either as once she’s got her drink she will go back to what she is doing Eg watching the tv. Honestly it sets off a stress reaction in me and I can’t bear it, but we have been incredibly consistent and it’s not improving.

My younger brother was like this.

He's now in his 40s and we laugh about it as my Mum tells stories of him coming downstairs in the morning wailing 'I want my breakfast' while my Mum calmly said 'and i'll get it for you, what cereal do you want?' while she was quietly thinking 'like I do every morning, you've never not been offered breakfast within 5 minutes of waking up'. And my brother jokes 'i shouldn't have had to ask, it should've been waiting on the table'

No, he doesn't have SEN!

He was just a cryer and dramatic and tantrummy and what might now be termed 'high-needs'. My parents were planning 3 children till he was the second..

He grew out of it by primary school I think.

Tell her to stop making such a fuss ?

Put her in drama club.

Do meditation or relaxation yourself to reset your 'startle' or 'stress' response, this has worked well for me, as I used to also get the faster beating heart when my kids were stressed and it's just stressing you out for nothing.

"What's wrong love? Sorry, can you talk properly? I can't understand when you scream."

@Deserthog we do! We’ve tried not reacting, calmly reacting and then also a firm admonishment and to ask properly. It’s like it’s her default setting, and every initial ask or problem or situation is just immediately stressful and dramatic. We never ever ‘acquiesce and she is always, without fail, made to speak nicely but it’s like drama is her default setting and altho we correct her we can’t stop it from happening in the first instance.

At 4 I’d expect her to just get her own drink and would honestly just ignore the whining after reminding her that she knows where the tap is… But when it’s stuff she can’t do for herself then it’s just a phase and it sounds like you’re handling it really well in not pandering and staying consistent. I’m sure she won’t be doing it when she’s 16, or even when she’s 6! Annoying as it is I would say encourage more independence where you can eg plastic cups within easy reach and from now on she helps herself, but otherwise carry on as you are and remember this too shall pass!!

She's 4!!!! They're like this

@Gettingannoyednow yes, we do, without fail and have done since even before she could speak. But it’s not stopping her initial reaction

Sounds like it’s just her default setting, I don’t think you can change it! Keep doing what you’re doing, she’ll grow out of it eventually.

She might still be doing it by 6 OP, sorry 😂.

DD has always been like this and still is at 7. She just jumps to worst case scenario however she does now have days where she takes it on the chin which gives me hope that's she's growing out of it.

Her brother can fall over and say he's ok despite having grazes or bruises. She can fall over without a mark and cry for an hour.

I think it's just personality type at this point. Im not dramatic but OH is so I blame him.

@InTheRainOnATrain i do get what you’re saying and she will do when she has a water bottle etc but we also have a nearly 2 year old so can’t leave steps to the sink or water in easily accessible positions

They grow out of it.
DS2 was like that age 4. He's 26 now and honestly it was the hardest phase of parenting.
I used to find myself snapping "don't use that whiney voice".
It made zero difference. By 5 he was fine.

My DD is the same. I’m here for the advice as I ask myself the same every day. She’s such a good kid, just everything is extra, tantrums if we look at her the wrong way, or say no to something etc etc. it’s full on.

It’s the “mummy” wail that just sets off off my stress response - I feel my heart start to pound and that leaping feeling of anxiety in my chest. It always sounds like the end of the world. It’s beyond normal whining, as other people have commented on it.

Have you tried ignoring it until she speaks to you properly? I know it's difficult, because at that age it could be something she really needs you for.

You could warn her in advance that you will not be responding to her if she wails.

Maybe try giving her a penalty like make her wait an extra minute if she whines? show her the seconds ticking on a clock (you could use stopwatch in the clock app on your phone). I'm sure she'll tantrum the first few times but will presumably develop better habits pretty quickly.

Also, don't forget to explain why you don't want her to whine because it's not like she's doing it deliberately to be annoying, she just doesn't seem to think whining has any negative consequences for her.

That would drive me mad tbh. my 2 year old sometimes whines and i immediately respond with "Stop whining, it's annoying so you're not getting anything if you whine."

I actually think you're doing exactly the right thing and it will work - sounds awful in the meantime though.

My DD is like this and she’s 11, she’s always been like that, extremely needy newborn and then going for 0 to 100 in nanoseconds, she doesn’t have a middle position switch! I laugh that she’s definitely mine because I also have drama llama tendencies which I learned to control - it’s a lifelong learning journey :-)

Dc2 is 10 and still like this. The drama now takes a different form to what it was 6 years ago. Cute but exhausting.

Mine is fond of dramatic announcements too.

I ask him, do we need the police, the fire brigade or an ambulance or is he ok?

He usually says he's ok since he has actually been ambulanced to hospital on one occasion and spent a very boring 7 hours being treated in A&E. He doesn't really want to go back again.

We get a lot of "Mummy, I need a snack NOOOOOOOOW", which is generally greeted with the vending machine sequence from Bluey.

Or I say, "You know what, I do too. Can you get yourself into the kitchen and whip up some freshly cooked pancakes with bacon and syrup?"

Check out Dr Becky on Instagram - she could be a highly sensitive child/deep feeling kid. I have one of them (always dramatic) and it is exhausting. Dr Becky has some good strategies around helping your child to learn the skills to cope with the emotions.

@bunnypenny ive actually unfollowed her recently as I find her soooo annoying 😅 yes I think she is a dfk and it is utterly exhausting

It would be worth trying this?
Sorry OP it sounds stressful...

The.therapy.shed is also good! UK not US based!

I still cry reading poetry and the Bambi books although I’m over 40. I’m afraid one coping strategy is to embrace.

As far as I remember my grandmother was also like that, she was diagnosed with a benign tumour in her 70s and spent half a year mourning her upcoming cancer death. She was much more dramatic than I am and I think my DD is also a little masterpiece (proud mother moment 😅).

Does your DC tend to have big emotions in general? Like laughter attacks that last quite some time? This is something that I’ve had since I remember, to be honest I would be very sorry to see them go.