Bullied by sibling…or is it me?

[Dyingwysteria]

Hi first time poster here.

Just back from a family weekend & feeling like shit and would like some advice on how to handle toxic sibling relationship moving forward. Last week, Sis1 got in touch asking if we could share lifts to a family event. I had been asked by Sis2 to go to the event earlier, so the day before I explained to Sis1 that timing wouldn’t work and probably better to drive separately. Got the sense Sis1 was annoyed she hadn’t been asked to go earlier. I sent a brief text explaining why I think I had been asked to go the day before (I’m newly single, Sis2 trying to keep me occupied). Sis1 pretty much ghosted me the whole weekend. I’ve been here countless times before and I can tell very quickly from her demeaner that she’s angry. Can’t have an adult conversation because it descends v fast into a row (lots of history there). When I feel I’m being ghosted my mood changes, I can’t enjoy myself and it affects the whole group (i don’t sulk but have difficulty engaging fully and relaxing. I am pegged in the family as being “moody” for this reason but I feel isolated & bullied). At end of weekend it was suggested to me that I don’t host a family event for DS and DDs milestone birthdays coming up because of my relationship with Sis1. My mum asked me why I had refused to share lifts, assumed I was in the wrong and blanked me when I was leaving. Had offered to show her the WhatsApp conversation but she walked off & ignored me. This is a common pattern from my mum - she will scream at me if I dare saying anything negative about Sis1 or Sis2. I feel bullied but don’t want to go NC because parents elderly and I’ll miss out on all family events. Can’t discuss with Sis1, we don’t have a relationship which is capable of adult-adult conversations. Would love some advice on how to navigate this please, or is it me and I’m not seeing it? TIA

Not the answer but is there a reason sis 1 couldn't have gone earlier too? I would have probably said 'I'm going at X time to help set up" but not justified it. When your mum questioned you I'd have just said "we weren't leaving at the same time"

It's tricky your sister freezes you out but I'm guessing manages to be on good form with others, you react to it. It triggers you, you go into yourself then you're the bad guy for being moody.

I'd read up on grey rock technique and try to learn to be less reactive. (Not judging you family dynamics can be tough)

Your mum sounds horrible . Are you the youngest?

Sounds like your sister and mother are fairly toxic. I probably would go low contact with both.

Next time your sister asks you for a favour, I would just message her no due to her negative behaviour.

I would recommend some counselling and ways you can change you’re behaviour so it don’t affect everyone else and how to deal with conflict better.

Family dynamics can be very stressful

Thanks….Im the middle. Long history of youngest freezing me out and my Mum supporting it. It is all very toxic (I’d cope better with an adult conversation along the lines of “you’ve upset me by coming up earlier and not giving me a lift…”). I do recognise my reaction is very negative, thanks for the grey rock technique suggestion, I’ll google it. Having counselling too was just interested in other people’s advice on here. Thanks!

Am I right in understanding that when your sister asked you for a lift you delayed replying for a few days?

You describe yourself as 'difficult to engage and relax' which is, actually, sulking really. I have a sibling I do not get on with, we would both describe the other's behaviour as the issue, not our own. The way you describe yourself is a the victim in hostile family dynamics, which of course you may be, but as I said, my brother is the victim in his own mind with zero acknowledgement of what he's ever done wrong. So I suspect it's a bit more 50/50 than you suggest.

Your sisters upset that you two have left her out surely?

I don’t have any answers unfortunately as my own sibling relationships are even worse than yours. My mother just tells everyone what she thinks they want to hear. It’s very tough.

I googled the grey rock method and that is what I am doing….i engage but with shorter responses and less eye contact, hugs, walking around with linked arms etc. But that is “moody”. I definitely wasn’t sulking - I’m self aware enough to know when I am. But the “freezing out” behaviour is how my family operate and I struggle with it.

yes she was left out and long history of Sis2 picking us off and always leaving one of us out. That invite wasn’t in my control, other than I accepted it. My mum stirred the pot by telling Sis1 I had been invited earlier.

Hang on, why could your sister come with you? I mean it does make sense to drive together so why not try and find a way to make that work?

I don't understand what freezing out is. Isn't that the same as grey rock?

OP you just don't seem to like your family but won't go NC because you don't want to miss out which doesn't make sense.

Also was it that you were invited to go early, didn’t suggest involving sis1, went away, then replyed no about the lift?

I'd have just said yes but I'm going early to help out pick you up at ........

But are doing that with everyone? In that instance do it with the sister regarding the lift issue but be fine generally.