DD finding out the truth about fairies/magic!

[VictorianScreenTime]

My DD (9) has always had a fairly unshakeable belief in fairies, the fairy doors in her bedroom and by extension other magical beings up to and including Santa.

In the last week or so I felt she was starting to question things and today she asked me for the honest truth about “her” fairies. I felt (stupidly) blindsided and so I just had to tell her when she asked me so directly but she was devastated. Just totally heartbroken.

She then continued questioning and thinking out the implications and then asked me about Santa. So again I told her the truth but with lots of reassurance about the story of St Nicholas and the lovely magic of continuing his kindness etc. She seemed consoled by that and was almost glad to be in on the secret in some small way. But she is really taking the truth about the fairies to heart.

She feels things very deeply- gets very very attached to soft toys and dolls and very upset if they are ever damaged or lost. It’s like this now with her fairies. It’s like a bereavement! I feel so heartbroken for her and a bit mad at myself for having played along with the lie when she clearly isn’t the type of child who just takes these things in their stride- I just never really thought she’d stick with them so long when someone gave her a fairy door aged 4😢

I’ve talked to her about faith and belief and how I certainly don’t have all the answers and so there is nothing stopping her continuing to hold her fairies in her heart but I just wish there was anything else I could do to console her.

Does anyone have any inspiration? She thinks she’d like to keep the fairy doors in some way- maybe make a little box for them. Does anyone have any little poems or ideas for comforting a child through the loss of magic or helping them see that there is still magic in the world, just in a different way? I’m wanting to help her gain some perspective of course but I appreciate she does just need time to adjust to all of this as she is a very sensitive soul.

Just leave it now and she'll be fine in a few days I'm sure.

Poems/ideas etc is overkill and could make it worse.

She'd already worked out the truth for herself because she's getting older. She just needed you to confirm it.

Sometimes as parents, we feel sadder about these moments than the kids actually do.

I agree, just leave her to it. She'll work it all out herself

Your little girl is growing up and that's the way it should be. Don't try to sugar coat it too much, I think you could really confuse her and make her feel she has to please you in some way, by hiding her feelings. What about finding somewhere where its OK to put fairy doors for other younger children to find ,and she can enjoy being in on creating this experience for other children. Do you have a fence or a hedge or a tree where this would work?

Thank you all for the words of wisdom. You’re right of course. I needed someone to give me a shake! I need to just accept her feelings and be there for her rather than trying to back-pedal. I absolutely don’t want her to feel she has to mask her feelings to comfort me- I hadn’t even thought of that but it makes a lot of sense.

I like the idea of putting the doors in places for other children to find. We have plenty of options in the garden so I will see if she’d like to be a part of that but I’ll also just follow her lead over the next few days and let her feel this out for herself a bit.

Thanks again all.

Hi @VictorianScreenTime

The exact same thing has just happened to me. DD 7 was saying that her friend has told her that fairies aren't real and that it's me giving her tooth fairy cards. She asked me outright and I was honest and said it was me.

She is crushed. She's younger than your DD but similarly sensitive and attached to her toys and treasures.

I feel so sad but also that I couldn't lie to her.

How is it going with your DD, any advice for me? And a handhold please.

If she wants to go back to pretending that fairies are real then I would tell her that I would be happy to join in.

Grown adults do things like historical renactments, attend Comic book conventions or dress up in fancy dress costumes for fun and get lots of enjoyment out of it. They know it’s not real but pretend temporarily and feel happy doing so.

Dd doesn’t have to get rid of the fairy stuff immediately - maybe play with it differently or pretend that she believes only when playing with it. IIRC in one of the Toy Story films, the human main character (Andy?) finds a box of his toys when sorting out his stuff as he’s going to college and decides to pass on the toys to a girl who he thinks will enjoy the toys and play with them. She loves the toys and plays with them as he predicted . I’m not saying do something rash like give away the toys but if she decides to move on from them then it might be a sweet goodbye.

I am 60 and I like to believe in unicorns fairies etc and yes Santa too! no seriously its up to your daughter if she still wants a part of the magic

I remember finding out this photo was a fake & being devastated!

I was a lot older than 7!

Sorry I’ve only just seen this extra posts! Solidarity @singularsensation ❤️

DD was very upset that first night again- really sobbing. It was heartbreaking 😭. But she woke up a little better. She had another little cry last night but tonight she’s gone to bed her usual self.

She decided to attach her fairy doors to a small wooden box with a lid and she’s going to get some fairy figurines to put in there so she can still imagine her fairies and talk to them if she wants to. And I’ve said if she wants to write them notes any time I’m happy to write back on their behalf which she seems pleased about.

So it seems that even though the magic has faded a little, imagination is still there and providing some comfort! And she did tell me she was happy that she did have a time of believing in real magic🥰

And @SonicTheHodgeheg and @charlieinthehaystack I agree completely. I like to imagine benign spirits inhabiting the trees and flowers in our garden and DD’s favourite aunty is a big fan of unicorns and mermaids😁 Magic is all around!

Thanks again for all the advice and input x

This is a really great opportunity for you to teach her about folk lore and read together about the origins of fairy tales. There are lots of books available about folk lore in whichever country you live in. She can continue to be interested in fairies, and there's so much more to learn about the legend of fairies and where they came from.

I think in Iceland they have a lot of folklore surrounding faries. Ireland too. And people fervently believe that the faries must be looked after and appeased. Perhaps looking at tge history of faries and their place in other cultural traditions is worth doing - I mean, there may be faries....

Christ this makes me feel a terrible mother. I have a 4 year old who is asking me about fairies and dragons and unicorns and I just say that they live in stories but not real life.

it just never occurred to me to tell her unicorns are real. Is that not the norm?!? What do other parents say?

Yes, I'm really surprised any kid at any age believes these are real!

I don’t think there’s any value judgement on whether parents encourage their children to believe in magic or not. It’s either something that evolves and you allow it to, or you just tell them they aren’t “in real life” from the start. I don’t think either way is wrong. It’s a parenting choice.

Certainly here in Ireland (where I’m from) lots of DDs peers do firmly believe in fairies/magic/Santa. I know I truly believed when I was her age!

Maybe it’s cultural to a degree- a lot of the older generation here believe in the “good people” and take care not to annoy them- to the point of building works being altered to avoid fairy sites, and hawthorn trees almost never being cut down because they are considered sacred to the fairies.

@Pippatpip and @MeinKraft- these are the aspects I like talking to DD about so I think the advice of focusing on the folklore is really good. It ties in really nicely to respect for nature the importance of taking care of the animals and habitats around us (damaging nature is one of the main ways of incurring fairy wrath in the old stories!).