Building resilience

[SendARavenToRiverRun]

My gosh, it sounds ridiculous. I'm a fully grown adult. Children, husband, house and a job etc etc. Today I've asked my boss something. That something wouldn't benefit her, but would me. She's said no. Fair enough. It doesn't suit the business, I get it. I'd class my boss as a friend (but not a close one). It's a small business, literally 5 people, including boss. Yet I can not get over it. It's literally put a dampener on my whole day. She was polite and friendly as always. But ultimately, she said no. She's a lovely boss. Fair, friendly, never forgets a birthday. I love my job, and I love my colleagues. My truly why has this put me in such a bad mood? I can't stop thinking about it. Worrying all day long.
I just need someone to show me or tell me how to care less and be more resilient towards silly things like this.
It's really affected my entire day, madness, really.
Life has been hard for me and my family at times. Yet I seem to manage and cope better in a crisis than I do when it's something so small and trivial.
I'm so needy (not necessarily with work, more in general). I'memotional, and I'm finding myself doing a ridiculous fawning act at times. I can't bear the thought of being disliked.It'ss exhausting living like thi, and I imagine it's exhausting for my poor DH and kids living with me. How do I develop a backbone. How do I care less? Any advice?

Can you pinpoint why you do care? What worries you?

I care in this particular situation that she'll think I'm cheeky or rude or taking the mick. I worry constantly about job security, I have massive imposter syndrome. I feel I'm rubbish at my job (yet logically I know I'm very good).

In a more general sense I HATE the thought that I'm disliked. I can't bear to be wrong or shown up to be wrong. I'm not arrogant about it but it really upsets me. I find myself speaking in a really sing song voice to appease people. I'd never have any authority. It's laughable to even think it. I fawn and simper when I feel vulnerable. Again, to make myself liked.

I'd like to think I'm likeable. I just cannot stop over thinking everything.

Sorry you haven't had many responses on this OP. I'm no expert but this sounds so deep rooted that you might need therapy to unpick it.
Our childhood experiences tend to impact how we react to situations like this, especially perceived authority figures. Someone skilled could help you identify what is going on and how you can move forward, good luck

This sounds like a) childhood stuff and b) probably therapy time.

If budget doesn't allow for that (understandable) it might be worth doing some journalling around times you remember feeling this way earlier in your life. Did you feel like you had to "fawn" to be safe?

I wish I could afford some therapy. It's exhausting and so unfair on those around me. I don't really remember any of my childhood. No memories of school or anything really.

I believe I have aphantasia and no autobiographical memories. Weird, but true. I have a few memories but nothing that I could attribute my issues too.

I've always been physically quite big and tall. Sometimes I wonder if the fawning and smaller voice (than I naturally have) is a way to hide myself. I absolutely hate the thought of being a nuisance or an issue. If things don't go according to plan I get this rush of shame. As if I've planned to be awkward. I literally think about it for weeks.
I've always been hyper aware of myself and how I am. But this today has just shown my how bad it's got. My boss won't have given it a second though, yet I won't sleep tonight for worrying over it.

I'd never confront someone over an issue. I'd just suck it up and worry myself sick, even if they were at fault. It's like I have no emotional reserve to get me through.
If I'm wrong and it's pointed out (kindly usually), oh the utter utter shame. I can't bear to be less than perfect.
Madness isn't it. How one day can play on your mind so much! Thanks for the replies so far.

Have a read of this.

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria

What I read in your op was a lot of strong self-criticism and negative language about yourself.

You seem to be pressuring yourself not to have negative feelings? This is not resilience. Resilience is having and acknowledging negative feelings, then moving forwards.

That link 100% describes me. Thank you. Something to look further into.

That is very true. I guess the feelings are natural. It's just the endless stewing on them and the worrying that isn't.
Any ideas on how to move forward on that? Thank you.

Maybe just accept the world isn’t perfect.
Accept you’re not perfect.
Realise others aren’t perfect.
Adopt the mindset ‘I tried, it didn’t work out perfectly this time, learn, move on’.