To wonder why days are harder when my partner isn’t at work?

[Lefmry]

Does anybody else honestly have this? I feel like a study needs to be done because it’s bizarre to me how two parents can be around and yet there’s a higher work load.

I’m a stay at home mom to two kids and currently 36 weeks pregnant with our third so things are tough atm, especially in the summer holidays. All week I look forward to my partner being home at the weekend so I can catch a break and the never ending mental load can be shared but somehow the weekends end up feeling even worse.

Now don’t get me wrong I love my partner, we are very happy together and he is a really good dad and he will do things to help, anything and everything in fact, but he just needs to be asked/told constantly. Wants lists written, can’t cope with looking after the kids AND for example having the hoovering to do, the washing up, the bathroom to clean etc. he finds it impossible and uses the excuse ‘the 18 month old didn’t let him’ but it’s what I have to do all week, you just get on with it.

I can have a lie down, pop to the shops or something and come back two hours later and it’s chaos. Yet in the week I break my back and don’t ever stop because things just need doing and that’s life. I just feel like the expectation is things will be easier but instead I’m actually thinking for two of us, I’m repeating myself constantly, feel as though I’m nagging and having to give specific step by step instructions to him as to what needs doing and when. It ends up feeling miserable.

I don’t want flowers or chocolate, I just want to come downstairs one day to see he’s painted that one wall in the dining room that’s needed painting for weeks, he’s washed up without being prompted to, he’s packed the nappy bag for the day so we can go out as a family, just little things.

Each week I never learn and fall in to the trap that the weekend will be easier and it never, ever is! 😂

Totally different, but yes, life is easier when DH is away.
We eat much more complicatedly if DH cooks. So the kitchen stays cleaner, and there is less washing up, when DH is away.
Somehow we only need to do 2 loads if DH is away for a week, but he seems to find a load a day which then needs sorting and putting away (and he never washes sheets).
Cars don't get washed, and other things I'm sure he says are essential don't get done.
I wouldn't get rid of him tho.

I spent a long time trying to figure this out.

Turns out my dh was sneakily sabotaging me all the time.

Slying turning off the dishwasher so the dishes weren't done in the morning
Turning the oven up or down to ruin the dinner
Playing with the kids when I needed to get them out the door
Mis-laying the car keys/my purse
Eating the packed lunch food the night before

It was fucking exhausting. I didn't click for a very very long time but as soon as I did, it was over. Funnily enough, I'd just joined mumsnet and it was a mumsnetter who told me to watch him carefully.

Gosh this is fucking awful. I’m so glad you got rid of him as soon as you figured it out! How vile!

I know what you mean - I’m also a SAHM to two, youngest is 19 months. On the days he isn’t here everything runs so smoothly. I am in a great routine which gives me a balance of a clean and tidy house and the chance to sit down with a cuppa when the toddler naps.

Somehow, when DH is home (like today) it all goes to shit and I’m constantly chasing my tail. I’ve not sussed it out because DH does his fair share when he’s here. Actually thinking about it I think it could be two reasons

1. He is here to sit with the little one so I use the opportunity to do things like tidy/clean upstairs which I can’t really do when he’s not here which means everything downstairs gets neglected
2. I am maybe more likely to sit with him and relax rather than stick to my routine

DH (retired) has been out for a couple of days at an annual event. I have got so much more done than when he is here. Honestly it’s been lovely. I really wish he’d bugger off for a week on his motorbike 😂
He knows this but says he’s got too much to do. Trouble is he doesn’t do what he says he’s got to do.

Because he's not a 'really good dad'

Why just why would someone do that, the weirdo. So glad you got rid of him.

This. How can you say he's a 'really good Dad' and in the very next sentence describe how totally useless he is and incapable of basic parenting

I can say it because he is definitely a good dad, he does a lot with the kids and I would never, ever deny that. When it comes to housework, chores, decorating etc he’s useless and needs a bit of encouragement to do things. But never a bad dad, no way.

A good dad looks after his DC without prompting, needing lists to follow or letting the house fall into disarray.

He sees it as parenting and running a home not 'helping'

He's also able to see that cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, DIY and life admin needs to happen without needing his partner to point it out to him.

You know, like you're capable of, as a 'good parent'.

Agree, he is not a good dad. He is doing the bare minimum and not very well. This will get very old really quickly. You are not even married to him but have given up your work/earning potential to raise his three kids. The day you realise he adds nothing but stress to your life you will be in a very scary position.

Things are easier for me with DH home but probably not as easy as you'd think for a whole extra person. He's less worried about the housework while he cares for the kids. He's pretty good. It's just things like:

• He'll cook so the kids are fed but there's dirty dishes all over the kitchen and plates/ food on the floor.
• He does more elaborate cooking so makes more dishes that are also greasier and dirties the oven more.
• He doesn't wipe down children or surfaces covered in food as much as me so everything is just grubbier.
• He doesn't worry about stained clothes.
• He'll put toys away but just wherever they fit. He won't worry about something having all its pieces before being put away.

To cope: I let my standards drop a bit, I leave him to do tasks that I know he will do (like the washing, shopping, getting firewood in), I let him take one child so I just have one. I accept we're different and he does do a lot around the house, just to different standards than me.

This x2000