Relationship between kids and grandparents.

[IncessantNameChanger]

I feel the grandparents either actively avoid my kids or at best are indifferent to them. BUT at the same time one crys about not seeing them and the other moans to my sil about not seeing them.

So. Gm Moved abroad to the other side of the world when eldest was a toddler. Comes over most summers but never sees us apart from picking up from the airport and dropping her off. She has just been over and gone back home. We picked her up, she left our house within 24 hours ( 15 of the hours asleep from jet lag) and we saw her at a family gathering for half a day. She said she wanted to see us, but dispite me directly asking her if she wanted to catch up, she then said no. No time. Before this she has text me saying she doesn't see my FB posts and she is so sad she doesn't get to see her grand kids grow up. Presumably only on SM as there's to me ,not a strong desire to see them in rl when the opportunity is right there in front of her.

When we did pick her up I talked about dd ASD diagnosis and how dd was struggling at school. She didn't ask questions, engage in the convo and just stared at me. Could not guess if she didn't belive me, was disgusted or bored.

Grandad lives 400 miles,away. We offer to go up to see him. He is always on holiday but never offers a free date. Never comes to see us. Never expresses any interest in seeing us. We offer twice a year and in 7 years its never been a good time for him.

However sil told me that he has cried to her when she talks about my kids. I was gobsmacked. He had three offers to see them from us last year and rebuffed them all.

To me on the face of it they don't want to see us. What other conclusions can there be?

They don't want to look bad to other people so they pretend.

They don't actually want to see you, as their behaviour makes plain!

They want to look like fab grandparents to others without putting the effort in.

This probably isn't the only thing they 'Poor me' over.

You can try discussing it 'Hey, granddad, SIL told me you were really upset you didn't see the kids. Why didn't you tell me? I know you couldn't make the 3 dates we offered but you need to let us know!'

You may get lucky but more likely he'll mumble a bit, realise he's been rumbled and go off to play another mind game.

Id just tell them how it is tbh. Youve nothing to lose and a dose of reality might be good for them! Youve tried. Its sad but what can you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I adore my grandchildren, they live 3 hours away, I would love them to be near enough for Sunday lunches school pick ups etc.
We do a lot of childcare and have had them for 11 nights when they were 2 and 8 while the parents were abroad.
Before I go to sleep I look at pictures/videos of them.

I have one friend who says she is not interested in becoming a grandparent, she feels she has done her share of being a mother and has no interest.
She does not understand my love of our grandchildren.

Another friend has 5 grandchildren, she will go to the ends of the earth to avoid caring for any of them, she puts pictures on SM and witters on about the funny nickname they have for her, it’s all a front, she is always criticising her children’s parenting of them, she was a very “hands off” mother and is not interested in being a grandmother.

It’s different people and unfortunately your children’s grandparents don’t care enough to bother so I would just be honest with them.

Thanks, this is my feelings too. I explained to sil that we are always,asked to drive up to see grandad. I told her he is always busy but can't ever suggest another date. She just insisted he is so sad and there was tears etc. He hasn't seen the youngest two or me in seven years! That's 7 years of rebuffing. 7 years of not thinking of driving to see us. Seven years of multiple cruises and international flights so its not like either of them are too old to travel.

I do think it's time to drop a quick "sil in law,says,you was crying as you never see the kids. If your really wanting to see them can you suggest a date please as I know how busy you are when we suggest dates' but it's fil so will have to come from dh.

It's been so long since I have seen him he's a stranger from a past life to me. It's,strange how he can tell his dil (sil) but not his own son. Either she mistook hay-fever for emotion or he is a good actor. I did tell sil I thought it was all very weird as i talked to my parents directly and my parents also aired their grevencies to me directly.

Part of me wonders if this is genuine and that part is making me feel like I'm the problem but if you ask 'do you want to see us?' And they reply no, its a no.

Are you familiar with the idea of the drama triangle? Because this is what your grandad is doing.

Instead of having a conversation direct with you about how often you all are going to see each other and making adult compromises, he had drawn in a third party to create conflict and drama.

Meanwhile he sits at home polishing his 'grandfather of the year' halo.

Thanks. He has done this before with his sister. She contacted me telling me how sad he was that he never got to take ds on holiday. Crying. A decade ago

At the time he lived half a mile from us and had never once discussed or asked to take ds on holiday. Again we used to ask if ds could pop up once for post school tea. That happened twice. Twice he went to see them on his own. We asked if they wanted to see us / the kids,and it was a no if it was a work night, flat no. No every weekend because again there was always something going on and no alternative dates offered. Cats ill, friends ill. Food shopping etc

He has form and it's all so bloody weird as he is a ex para and I can't imagine he is even capable of crying.

He also makes a lot of wild promises to the kids like paying for driving lessons and a car for the eldest so he gets a reputation for being generous but he never follows through. Never.

If I was crying about seeing my grand kids I'd, you know, see them.

My pil never see my dc ( their only gc) either. They live in the next town . Well I say never , I mean rarely , they last saw them fathers day briefly. They only want to see them if they get something in return.

I keep telling dh to arrange something as the dc want to see them but the answer is that they are poorly. It's like a script now .

I wonder if the pil ever mention their gc to other people.

OP is it only ever his sister he brings in to guilt trip you?

It sounds like you and your kids are disappointed but at peace with you he is as a dad/granddad. You all know that he makes promises but not to expect much.

However his sister has a totally different relationship with him. If she asks him 'how are the GCs, have you seen them recently?' he's going to lose a lot of face by fessing up 'actually not seen them for 7 years and it's totally my fault'

He doesn't seem able to let his sister see who he really is and so he has to say it's all your fault and you meanly stop him from being dad of the year. She also seems not to be able to accept the truth so falls for it every time.

I think you will just have to start ignoring the stories from his sister in the way you do his promises of visits and gifts.

It's his sister and now my sil. I told his sister very frankly that I suspected it was all BS out of embarrassment as aunt is very close to her grandchild. I was very blunt to her. I said why does he never express this to us, the kids parents or the kids? Why is this being said third hand to me and not dh his son? Dh has never been told his dad crys over his non relationship. Dh is the one chasing and being rebuffed.

She apologised to me and seemed a bit shocked. Saying the same to sil didn't work, I had it wrong, he is heartbroken, he cried etc. Sil hasn't had this convo with dh. Neither has bil ever mentioned this.

I do think it's the embarrassment of being a disinterested grandparent. He was a absent father to dh. No one is ever going to admit they couldn't pick out their grandkids in a line up to their sister and have zero interest are they? My dd couldn't pick him out in a line up of two. They have all asked "whos the lady" at some point when seeing pictures of dhs step mum, his wife. They are strangers who share some dna. It's not my gift to change that and it's not my choice to avoid.

It sounds like it's difficult for them to admit their brother/dad is crap.

The sister can manage it but the daughter can't.