How to keep a child in their own bed 😖

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My son has recently turned 6. It’s always just been us 2. He’s been a great sleeper always but the last couple of years he’s developed a habit of coming into my bed in the night. Always silently so I don’t know until morning.

My bedroom door doesn’t shut so he can get in without me hearing. We have discussed stopping this so many times. Explained privacy etc and that he’s too big to sleep with me.

He also won’t fall asleep on his own so I have developed a habit of sitting in his room until he falls asleep. I have now had enough of wasting my evening in his room and want to claim my room as my own.

We are back off holiday today. We’ve been sharing a hotel room but in separate beds. He had slept in his own bed all night the whole week. So we have brought this mindset home that he’ll now sleep in his own room.

he has a lovely room, comfy bed, night lights, things to snuggle and is literally next door to me.

So far it’s been a disaster but I’m keeping calm. He’s been out of his bed around 20 times and I’ve calmly walked him back into bed. Covered him up and kissed his head. We have had screaming and shouting, fake crying, briefly real crying etc, multiple “I need the toilet” etc. I am sat in my room so I’m not far away and can hear everything. I know I’ll eventually win this battle as hell exhaust himself but what happens in the night?

I have a door stop and I have told him I’ll be using it to close my door. He’ll come knocking at some point in the night so i assume I just keep quietly putting him back to bed? I’m not sure how long my patience will last when I’ve just been woken but equally I’m not wasting the last 2 hours of effort.

Any suggestions or encouragement?

I am aware this is my doing and I am trying to correct it for my ongoing sanity so please no judgement or suggestions to let him share my bed going forward

Hmm. Following as my 6 year old boy will only sleep in a bed with me, too..

He seems to be going to bed really early for 6? Is he allowed to read and / or watch a tablet but quietly? Maybe he’s not tired enough to stay asleep all night as his bedtime is too early?

Honestly, you just have to keep putting him back to bed with as little interaction as possible. It could take a couple of weeks, but you’ll be happy you’ve done it. All strength to you!

Practically you do need a way of waking up if he tries to come in.

I'd address this one problem at a time.

First work on getting him to go to sleep by himself. When that is bedded in deal with the middle of the night.

Chances are once he can self settle he'll stop coming in anyway.

I’ve sprayed a squirt of my perfume on a big teddy and given him that. He also has his Alexa on with spa music.

He doesn’t even cuddle or touch me when he’s in my bed, so not sure why he’s so desperate for cuddles now!

I just want my privacy and bed back. I don’t think k that is too much to ask 😖

He's only just 6, I don't see why that makes him 'too big' to sleep in your bed with you. If you don't even notice til morning that he's got in, then he's not disturbing you. He obviously comes in for the company.

Option 1 - let him carry on, he'll grow out of it. Option 2 - make up a little bed in your room for him to use, that's separate to yours. Option 3 - if possible change room layouts so he can see you from his bed when doors are open.

Could you move into his bed after he moves into yours?

I think he's still very young, and if it's just the two of you I can understand him wanting the connection. I would probably welcome his company if it was me, but we're all different!

As for bedtime on his own... my ds is 11 and still likes one of us to wait, but will be OK if we need to leave him early for whatever reason. I'd say he's been like that for about 2 years now. These kids are clingy alright. Maybe you could potter about nearby rather than sitting in with him, so he can hear you while he's dropping off.

So I’d want to know why this separation anxiety has started. You want to look at the cause. Is he having nightmares? Does he have a tablet/ipad near bedtime? Is he playing games that are actually scaring him? Little kids actually really struggle to differentiate between tv and reality. Even though they “know”, their brains still aren’t great with it. He might also be aware of bad things happening in the world.

What if you agreed to keep both your doors open so he knows you’re there and feels safer? Then he may be less likely to come
in. It might also be a time and patience thing. I wonder if he’s now not settling alone because he knows he can’t see you later. Personally I’d not be making it such a big thing. He won’t do it forever. If it’s not working I’d give up and try again in a few months. More anxiety will make it worse.

I’ve got a couple of weeks off work and with it being the school holidays it seems a good time.

He sleeps in his own bed at his dad’s. So I know he can do it.

I think he’s asleep now. It’s been quiet since I last posted but I don’t want to go and check!

He does have an iPad which he plays games on in the evening but I remove that a good hour before bed. It only allows kids games so there’s nothing scary on there. I am pretty sure it’s just a habit, and I want to break it.

Thank you. He is a bright kid and we’ve discussed it multiple times. He’s stopped coming into the bathroom without knocking now and lets me go to the toilet and shower in peace, which is a winner.

We do lots of fun stuff together! We have a pony, we sail, paddle board, cycle, wild swim etc. We are just back from a weeks Watersports holiday. I couldn’t physically give him any more of myself, im exhausted and just want to Relax in the evenings and sleep on my own. Is that really too much to ask?

Stick with it, Op. Six is plenty old enough to sleep in his own bed, especially as you know he can do it. Lots of people here support co sleeping but I don't know anyone irl who does it. Everyone needs their own space, children included. We never encountered this issue but I would recommend just returning him to bed with no interaction, time after time. During the night too. After a week or two, it will become a new habit and he will then probably have a better quality of sleep himself too.

We eventually cracked the going to sleep independently by just letting her potter around in her room until she was ready for sleep - I think she needed less than I thought and mostly became good at just climbing into bed when she was ready.
Still coming into bed with me post 6 though and disturbing my sleep all night. Gave her the choice - she could come in if she wanted but it meant she lost a treat (a few sweets) the next day. She chose the sweets and has been sleeping through - wish I’d tried it earlier!

This and also its school holidays which is a bit different anyway.

I agree with pp it is two separate problems (not falling asleep alone, and coming into your bed at night) and I don't think you're doing yourself any favours by trying to solve both at the same time. Choose one or the other first and tackle the other once you've got him used to the first.

At bedtime I used to do a gradual withdrawal so I'd explain I was leaving my daughter to go to sleep but I'd be back to check in 5 minutes, then another 5 minutes, then 10 minutes. She was usually asleep by the time I went back a second time.

I'm also querying bedtime - my 5 year old doesn't sleep until 8pm.

I think it is unrealistic of you to think you can do both at once.

Going from staying in his room all evening until he falls asleep and giving him access to your room so he is able to sneak in in the night to go to sleep by yourself and I'm putting a wedge under my door so you can't get in my room

It's too much

All that's going to happen is he's going to feel rejected by you and he's going to end up with massive anxiety.

You need to pick one, get him used to that, then add the other.

My child the same age used to do it a lot. My older children also had had phases of being in my bed but they had stopped doing it around the age of 3. I used to say " you can get in for a 2 minute cuddle but then you need to go back". And then I remained consistent with that and made sure he did go back. Maybe try and compromise by staying in his room for a set amount of time and be firm that you're going to leave the room after that time. It is hard dealing with this because you deserve some time of an evening, but all of sudden he'll probably just stop doing it.

Choose a battle and stick with it. I'd say start with night time visit. At 6 he is taking the piss coming into you. You'll probably have to lose some sleep to get there but you can do it. Lots of rewards for being a big boy and staying in his own bed. Lead him back every time, no emotion. Personally I think at 6 he should understand consequences too, I can't take you to the park, I'm too tired because you woke me. I can't read a story or make your favourite dinner because I'm too tired, because you woke me again. Let him see it as a negative that impacts him too. Maybe a note on your door 'if you wake Mummy she will be too tired for swimming / pancakes etc' so he can pause before he enters and understand it is his decision with consequences either way.

Hopefully it will resolve soon and then you can work on bed time.

I think you are putting him to bed too early.
He’s a little boy with parents who live apart and he wants to be close to you to feel secure.

Honestly I do think you are asking too much. If you have a double / king size bed to yourself is it too much to have a little person in the other side of it? Enjoy the cuddles while they last and tell yourself it won’t last for ever.

I think you are getting more stressed by making this into a nightly battle. Reclaim the evening by not sitting with him for so long. Let him read to himself for a while .

He was in bed early last night as we were up to fly home at 4am and he was very tired. He’s a kid who needs a lot of sleep and struggles on less than 10 hours. His normal bedtime is 7 and he’s fast asleep before 7.30.

We listen to a meditation together which lasts 30 minutes and usually he is asleep and I can leave the room but this doesn’t work for me anymore as I usually fall asleep too! 😂😂 last night it played whilst I out laundry away in my room but he doesn’t relax, just keeps coming to see what I’m doing. Hopefully it will just get boring for him and he’ll fall asleep. I don’t care what he does in his room, as long as he doesn’t leave it. All doors are open so he’s not closed in.

He has always only lived with me so that’s not a factor.

I will continue as he did sleep a solid 6 hours last night before he came into me (it’s usually only a couple) so will see what happens.

Thank you for all the help

Try telling any of this to my partners 10 year old daughter ... iPad right up to bedtime, promises of she'll try sleeping in her bed once a week, gets everything she wants when she wants it, bedroom decorated the way she wanted with all new furniture but bang when bedtime comes, can I sleep in your bed mummy, then the excuses come, followed by getting herself all wound up and stressed out that mum gives in and I have to sleep on the settee. My partner and I get one night a week, 2 nights every second third week, if we are lucky, where her daughter goes to her dad's. We are at a complete lose of what to do but by the time 8/8.30 comes we are so tired to argue or try to make her do something she is obviously not wanting to do. It will eventually put a strain on my partner and I's relationship which is relevantly new as it is. We have absolutely no idea what else we can do.

Try audiobooks. I would hate meditation, I want a story! Let him control them himself (via Alexa) and say he can turn them on in the night if he wants as long as the volume is low.

Put two single beds in each room so you can sleep in his room or vice versa for a while