Feel I have no purpose in life

[weeeding]

Not sure why I am posting really, hoping others have been through this and come out the other side. I am lost, I feel I have no identity or purpose other than helping my DF to follow his dreams. We have no children although we had discussed TTC once married. I am reasonably smart and well-educated but I just can't seem to get anywhere work-wise, I hate my job it's tedious and not in the area I studied and was passionate about. I got trapped as it was a 'safe' option when we first moved abroad for DF's job, the fact we are not in the UK but in a country where there isn't any employment available to me that isn't corporate or self-employed doesn't help.

I have no motivation to get anything done, outside of work my life admin and house are a mess. DF has suggested perhaps I could give up work and try to do something else that might bring me more joy, we could afford for me to do this but I am terrified that will make me feel even worse and I will just be home all day feeling like even more of a failure because I cannot currently think of a single job or business idea that I could be successful at. I think the last time I was truly happy working was when studying for my MSc I loved researching and reading and learning and all that was involved.

I also hate the idea of being entirely dependent on a man, having to ask for money whenever I need or want something (I do not think DF would use this against me it's just not my nature).

Ultimately I am in a complete slump and I guess I am hoping someone can give me some magic advice to get me out of it.

I relate to your situation very much, @weeeding . I’ve recently been in a similar state of lack of purpose. When you’ve lost any sense of purpose it’s almost impossible to imagine getting it again. Perhaps there’s a mild or not so mild depressive illness as well.

However what stands out is that you were truly happy working when you were researching and reading for your MSc. Could you reconnect in some way with this? Perhaps take up your partners offer of financial support for a limited period and study again? Is there any possibility of doing a PhD following on from your MSc? Or branch off into another area and do another MSc, perhaps something vocational that will eventually lead to different work? Or is there maybe some kind of work you could do now - possibly online - that would involve research?

I think that if you can find the right thing to direct your unused intellectual energy, you’ll find your drive and motivation to get on top of all the other stuff.

As to being dependent on a man I understand the reservation, but it sounds like you made a sacrifice when you moved abroad for your partner’s job - as you say, you got trapped into a safe option workwise. So another way of thinking about it is that it’s for a limited period and it’s needed for you - and hence your marriage- to thrive.

@Keepingongoing Thankyou for such a kind reply, I think I would love a Phd but I studied in a scientific field and any Phd would probably require me on campus or in a lab full time. There aren't any realistic opportunities in the country we live in. I have considered another MSc in perhaps a similar but more of feeds directly to a job field however while we can afford for me not to work for a while we can't afford full-time MSc fees, it also feels like a complete waste of money if I were to put that financial strain on us if it then doesn't work out job wise.
Without meaning to drip feed DF works for the United Nations, we are in a developing country and opportunities here are limited outside of competitive corporate jobs or setting up my own business. I am currently in a corporate job that I hate. I am not sure I have it in me to run a successful business.

That does sound tricky in terms of work. I’ll just give a shout for the Open University ( interest: my partner works for it) where the fees are a bit less than bricks and mortar universities. I don’t think it does MScs in pure science, but there’s engineering, computing, maths…and of course you can study part- time, anywhere in the world

I’ll just mention how I’m getting out of a prolonged period of feeling utterly purposeless, following a very traumatic bereavement, and a bad patch with my partner. Apart from having therapy, I’m simply giving myself permission to do anything that I feel like doing, anything that is possible for me to do. They are actually quite little things because I have a very limiting health condition which means I don’t have much spare energy, and of course all the house management, life admin and family stuff still has to be done. But I’ve definitely felt a change since I started this. The Open University has short courses which are completely free ( I think they are called Open Learn) and my next idea is to do one or two of those with a view to going on with further study if I enjoy them. I’m purposely not setting goals, though, my idea is just to give myself as much fulfilment in the moment as I can, and see where it leads me.

I wonder if some time off work, which deliberately isn’t focusing on finding yourself another occupation, would refresh you?