40 with no friends

[CozySocks]

Hi everyone, this is my first thread so please be kind to me:)
I turned 40 this year and feel pathetic.
I have an amazing husband and two small children. But have not a single friend.

I haven’t been back at home for two years, so feeling homesick at the moment. We did a house extension last year and so there is no money left to buy flight tickets.

I used to have friends, I think. But most either chose not to have children or couldn’t or when they decided they were ready it was too late. Seems we moved on with our lives and it’s so hard to reconnect.

We had many friends with children who during Covid relocated back to Australia. Last couple left last September and I just cried and cried.

Since then my little girl started school and I thought I would probably make some friends. I do try to say hello, start a chat or give people a compliment but it seems people are so busy with their lives… so none of my effort turned into anything other than exchanging a few polite words.

I dont work atm because I am retraining so studying till ridiculous hours of morning. I miss the social chit-chat at work too. I never became friend with anyone from work. I liked to keep work and private life separate.

It’s summer holiday now and I haven’t spoken to anyone since it started.
Dont get me wrong, I love my children and they are having a great time. We do trips daily but I look at others around me and see other mums too but they have the grandparents there or other friends to keep their company. We always go alone. 😭. I don’t think it helps that I don’t speak English to my children but I always try to strike a conversation with others.

I have tried arranging dinners with mums from my son’s nursery which was ok but again unless I organised it, it wouldn’t happen.

i try messaging my NCT group but again we don’t meet as often as we used to. I have done play dates and dinner and drinks for parents. I have invited one family for my daughter’s school for Sunday roast but none of these invitations were returned.

I have maybe two very good acquaintance. But I feel I don’t want to impose on their lives.

I’d say it’s not unusual. I expected to make mum friends when I had my babies, but everyone went back to work and I was a SAHM. Things got better at the primary school gates, but that went when they went to high school.
My only friends now are work mates. Do you have any hobbies/gym etc where you can find friends?

I'm similar but I was never any good at making or keeping friends. I always felt like I didn't understand how people went about it. Anyway, could you join a book club or meet up for some activity that interests you?

That’s tough OP. When the more go back, what about the PTA if there are at school? It’s a great way to meet people. You sound lovely.

I have joint PTA just before the end of school year, so see if it helps. Thank you for your suggestion and kind works:)

I used to dance Salsa which was so much fun, especially while being single but I wouldn’t be dancing mid-week till 3am now. I am trialing Rock choir soon but I was now told it’s mostly for retired people🤦🏻‍♀️. I did quite a bit of yoga before having children so might try that.

A course is good as you are with the same people over a number of weeks.

Is there a ‘cool’ WI near you?

@CozySocks I often wonder how people get to 40 and have no friends. However it seems in your case it is due to circumstances. You have moved away from the people you knew and the friends you made have now moved away.

People are extremely selfish these days, especially post Covid and can't see beyond what's in front of them. However, keep persevering and exploring all avenues and hopefully you will meet like minded people again

I was going to suggest a yoga class, I go early and chat to people, it could easily lead to coffee and a chat afterwards, and fhen the next week and then things can go on from there.

Also made good friends in the sauna and swimming pool (surprisingly, as they are more solitary activities)

Hi there

So sorry to hear this.

Where abouts are you from originally? Australia?

Where abouts do you live now?

Sending hugs x

My sister did Rock Choir for a while & she’s in her 40s.

I’m 50 & over the past 10 years I’ve made friends through feminist campaigning, yoga & language classes & volunteering - would any of those work for you?

I made most of my friends at work in my 40s, so hopefully when the studying is over you can do likewise. I got on with some of the school mums but never made any true friends that way. I feel you need more in common than just having kids and living nearby, unless you're very lucky or very friendly.

I found that I didn't make friends until my children started school rather than nursery. Once they started school people made an effort. It took a year and a bit of grafting, but then i made some really great friends (like my uni friends). My friends now are amazing and plentiful. I felt very lonely until that point as was also a SAHM. One thing that you could do is post on a local FB group and see if any other SAHMs with similar aged kids wanted to form a coffee/playdate group. I did that which also helped.

I'm in a similar position with friends. It's all circumstantial and I'm trying to accept that it's always going to be me doing the instigating. I kind of oscillate between accepting this with good grace for the sake of my kids needing social interaction to feeling extremely resentful at how I'll make half a dozen suggestions in a row and get the "too busy" response.

I really hope something you try eventually sticks OP. You just need a few of the right people I think.

Would you rule out your old childless friends as part of the mix? I say that as I am one. Many of my friends have kids. Ones I've lost touch with I often think about and think about reconnecting with.

I'm in a similar position. 20years ago I chose to take a job away from family and friends and for a a period of time I had loads of friends (two particularly close ones) and we were always going out etc. However, the marriages and babies happened. I didn't meet anyone and chose to have a baby using a donor at the age of 37. I thought I'd make friends through baby groups and more recently school mums but it hasn't happened. Most of my previous friends have drifted away. The two close ones have been through some tough times. One of them has a child who dictates everything and my dc isn't allowed near their house (dont ask!) and the other I'm still in touch with but her circumstances have meant that we haven't seen each other since Christmas. Everyone we plan on meeting she cancels. I'm now considering moving back towards my family just so I have people around me as I've found the last year so difficult.