My 17yo ds has just told me everything I have done wrong

[Howtobekind]

He was very upset tonight and told me a list of grievances and mistakes going back years. He’s right - I could have done better and my ex and I cocked up (divorce and family split- never good). I am glad he could talk to me and I apologised for not always getting it right and told him he was very loved.

Now I feel like a failure. Really wish I was better.

I’m sure others will be along soon with more to say - but it is great that a 17 year old can articulate this sort of discussion. I think that’s a massive win for you

We do our best with the cards we get dealt. Your son will realise that one day

I think you are amazing to have apologized, acknowledged and made your child feel heard. He would have appreciated that so much and it’s testament to your relationship he approached this with you! All too often parents deny and get angry and upset which makes the kids feel invalidated and frustrated/angry/sad.

Hmm.

Good, as PP say, that he was able to speak with you honestly and that you listened. That reflects well on you that he trusts you and dasres to speak frankly to you.

But, you might want to say that you hope in time he will also evaluate what you did right, or simply did, day to day, day in day out, despite exhaustion, sickness, boredom, loneliness, holding it together on your own, out of love for him, and desire for him to thrive.

It's easy to criticise and make failings the centre of any evaluation. But a balanced view is healthier and fairer.

I could list the many ways I feel aggrieved by my parents but I don't because they tried their best with the skills they had. I think it's great that he can talk to you but you're also not a failure and he's only coming at this from a 17 year old child perspective. As you get older and wiser things become nuanced and you understand that everyone is winging it and trying their best in most cases.

Of course you cocked up - you're only human! Balance that out against all the great things you've done for the past 17 years including raising a child to (almost) adulthood.

There's also the slight issue that your DS doesn't have much life experience yet, so he hasn't had a big cock-up of his own. They tend to learn a bit more humility and empathy after that.

Teenagers are very self involved so he's looking at it from a selfish perspective, all about him - not a criticism of him, that's how teenagers are developmentally but he will grow and understand why you've done things and that some things are out of your control.

It's ok.

I was your ds, taking about it with my mum was very healing, she was able to acknowledge where things had gone wrong. And it wasn't about breaking blame, it was about having my pain recognised and regretted so I could move on.

My dad has never wanted to talk about things or admit any problem ever existed. It hangs between us, though he doesn't concern himself with it, and I try to set it aside and look forwards.

In reality my parents were also victims of their circumstances, environment and own upbringing... They weren't failures, just humans doing their best, same as us all.

Support him with the best choices possible from this point, acknowledge the mistakes and keep going.

Did you hit or abuse him in any way, if yes then ofcourse you apologise

If not, then you are just human, and he is being a righteous but perfectly normal 17 year old. We know everything and nothing at that age. I'm sure you did what you could with the resources both financial and emotional that you had at the time.

None of us are perfect. We can only do our best with what we have and hope that it is good enough.

I'm sure I am not beyond criticism from my three. In fact, I know I'm not, but thankfully they seem to have survived.

At the risk of sounding trite, that's teenagers for you. Try not to take it to heart, and be pleased they are confident enough in your love and parenting to talk to you.

It's a phase they go through or at least mine did.

It’s time for him to learn that all people are fallible and he’s an adult himself soon.
Now that he’s had his say, he needs to move on and take responsibility for himself.
Give yourself a break and don’t let him use this as a stick to beat you with again.

Thank you for all the replies. Honestly it’s bloody hard sometimes isn’t it.
Yes, I am glad he talked to me - and no, he has never been abused in answer to one pp. I wish I’d been nicer to my mum now when she was alive!

And yes, @kiwiane - it will not excuse him from making me a cup of tea when I get back from work tomorrow!

I think it is a testament to your relationship that he could tell you and you could listen. That is not failure, that is the opposite. Yep, you have probably got some things wrong - because you are human and kids dont come with a manual. But as long as your did the best you could, that is all you can do. Apologising and acknowledging mistakes is really powerful in families. As is understanding why you did what you did and if there is anything you would change in future.

I tried to open the lines of communication with my mother several times through the years, just to heal some hurts and clear the air. She lashed out and threw everything back at me and qoukdnt speak to me for months. It was all 'oh and I suppose you'll be the perfect parent" and "after everything I did for you" etc. I tried one more time when I was 30 and it was catastrophic and it ruined our relationship. She called me a monster and fell out with me spectacularly. Things never recovered and I'm in 40s now.

My children aren't teenagers yet but I allow them to tell me when they are angry with me or upset about things and I listen patiently, even when I think 'but what about all the great things I do for you'. Human relationships don't work like that. An issue has to be worked through and can't just be compensated for by the good things. Every time we face an issue with a loved one and work through it together, we get closer and stronger.

The fact you took it on the chin shows that you're a great mother. You should be proud of yourself.

What grievances did he raise though? Other posters are offering reassurance and validation to you, but it kinda depends on what the kid had to live through when younger. Was there abuse / neglect? You said he was very upset.

This is a brilliant response

My mum did some really damaging things to me growing up, but I would never say that to her. She had a truly horrific childhood and she did an amazing job given what she'd been through. She's a lovely person, just a little messed up from long term drama. It would be really good for me if I could talk about it with her, not in a blaming way, just to have that pain acknowledged. I know she couldn't cope with that though.

It's a testament to your parenting that your son was able to recognise and articulate how he felt and that he was listened to and acknowledged and that you apologised. You've showed him a great example. It's one more male teens could do with learning. Guilt is unproductive, doesn't really achieve anything. If those issues are ongoing working on them would be better for you and your DS. If they're all in the past then acknowledge that you've come past that and you're doing better now.

Right now it's good you focused on his feelings without minimising them by bringing up other things about your parenting. There's a time and place for that, but not in that moment when the focus should be on listening and validating how he felt. I was always worried for my mum, trying to protect her from things. No child or teen should be in that position. Over time he'll grow and understand it more.

Your response is very typical of someone who experienced trauma or abuse as a child..a need to protect the abuser and put their feelings first...because that's what you had to do as a child in order to survive. I hope you now have a person to talk to ( if you need to) where you can talk freely and process what happened to you.

My ds did this at 16 during lockdown.

It wasn't so much "you've got this wrong" which I very much doubt your ds meant.

But more "when you did/said this it may me feel ...."

For my ds it was after he was the victim of knife crime in one school. In order to get him a new school and the EHCP he needed I had to play the game. This meant he felt at times I was condoning and accepting what people were saying.

I acknowledged his feelings, explained why I made the decisions and I felt I was doing the right thing and apologised for the negative impact on his feelings of those decisions. I also was able to ask him what he thought I should have done and we discussed the possible outcomes of the alternative decisions.

It was a real learning curve for us both. Me for realising sometimes getting it right can also mean getting it wrong. Him to realise sometimes you have to fight the right battles to win the war.

It made us stronger and closer. This is an opportunity for you to make that bond stronger - I very much doubt he wants you to to stop doing what you think is right because of guilt.

This really, it could range from 'you should have encouraged me to stay at football' to 'I wish you hadn't drunk a bottle of vodka every night with your abusive boyfriend and send me to school in a dirty uniform'

I lost my temper spectacularly once (due to a teen destroying a very expensive piece of sports kit of mine the day before I needed it that I had explicitly told them to be careful with). This is still remembered and discussed 4 years later 🙄. Jesus their bar is very high.

That said I was joking about being a bad mum recently dd1 who has just turned 18 said quietly “nope - you are a very good mum”. Sounds pathetic but that meant so much to me!

This!