Worried about DS17 and lack of friends

[repeater]

DS17 hasn’t seen any friends in months. The friends he has seem to be slowly disappearing.

He left college at Christmas as he wasn’t enjoying it and is now doing an office based apprenticeship. He likes the people he works with but is unlikely to socialise with them. He attends college one day a week and has a few acquaintances there but no one he would socialise with.

He says a lot of friends now have girlfriends so they’re busy. Also, they drink and smoke weed, which he’s not interested in. All of his friends are at college and are very slack at making arrangements to meet up, they don’t understand that he has work.

He spends all of his free time in his room on the PlayStation or watching YouTube. I hear him chatting occasionally, presumably on the PlayStation.

He says he’s not fussed about it and doesn’t show any signs of being unhappy. He does admit to getting bored sometimes.

He’s currently learning to drive and says he will join the gym once he’s passed his test but I’m not sure if this will actually happen. He used to play football for an under 16s team but now he’s classed as an adult that has all stopped as he’s not good enough to qualify (he was born with clubfeet and despite numerous treatments and operations he can’t keep up with the other lads).

He is quite shy and doesn’t find making friends or socialising easy. It just really concerns me that he’s not spending time with people of his own age and I can see him becoming more and more isolated.

I'm not a good role model as I have very few friends and rarely go out. I have a partner who I see every other weekend. I also suffer from anxiety and depression.

I know how easy it is to worry. I would try to take consolation from the fact he is a good kid and not socialising with friends you disapprove of (weed and alcohol). Also it is good that he seems happy and is doing well working and learning to drive.

sounds like he is doing all the right things. The only other thing you could try would possibly be volunteering? Anything he is interested in that he would like to volunteer at like youth coaching as I think this is good for meeting people.

He’s probably less worried about it than you are. He’s comfortable coming home from work to his safe space to unwind in the ways he enjoys.
He sounds like someone who’d relate best to people who enjoy the same things he does. He might meet them online or hopefully maybe at work. If you sense he’s becoming lonely you could look into activities he could do relating to his interests.

@Purplturpl @Easipeelerie thank you both for your replies.

He is a good lad, thoughtful and sensible with a lovely personality, but also shy and socially awkward. It just seems such a shame that he spends so much time on his own.

I know I need to stop worrying about it as he's showing no signs of being unhappy. Just concerned about it becoming a problem in the future.

Does he intend on moving out and gaining some independence at some point soon? I really do think that helps people (especially young men) find themselves and their tribe

He won't be moving out anytime soon, not least because he couldn't afford to. He's only on an apprenticeship wage which is ridiculous low.

I have encouraged him to join some PlayStation groups as he's particularly keen on FIFA but he doesn't seem to want to.

He sounds like he has a fair bit going for him: driving, working, has been able to make friends in the past, kind, contented.
He’ll be ok. He just needs one or two people and he’ll meet them eventually.

That was going to be my question. It comes up so often on here when parents worry about their YA or adult child's lack of friends, and it emerges that they themselves don't have any and seldom go out. I think that one of the best things you could do for your son is model putting yourself out there, finding new interests in places where friendships may develop over time -- but not just for him, for yourself too.

He sounds okay, he is working which is pretty mentally challenging, and studying. He doesn't smoke weed. Is learning to drive. Some people are slow bloomers. I would just super encourage and praise and take an interest in what he IS doing. Those are really positive steps. In regards to the gym this can be so positive for confidence I believe. You could get him some sessions with a personal trainer as a gift, once he has joined and been going for a few weeks.

I went to the gym last year and did about 20 PT sessions, they were £35 each but changed my life! Even 6 weeks you learn so much.

Maybe encourage him to learn about saving and investing and do a free personal finance course as that will be put him streets ahead of his peers.

In regards to social activities, if most of his friends smoke weed and he's not interested, and isn't able to participate in sports so much I do recognise that as quite challenging. Is he good at walking? Something like the under 40s Ramblers maybe? It also sounds like cars might be his thing, not sure how you encourage that but I have male friends who go on driving holidays.

Also Bumble for making friends. He sounds like he'd make a great male friend so maybe making more female friends (who are often naturally more sociable).

You could also look at Groupons as they sometimes have random things like I had a male friend who got a birthday voucher for a graffiti class and took me, so when he has friends encouraging those sorts of things.

I also have male friends who are really into cooking. They get a cook book and post things on Instagram. Maybe a cooking class. Also I have a male friend into bee keeping. DIY - the age group is a bit high but there is Men In Sheds. May be other DIY classes out there.

Any kind of customer service type work is good for skills and confidence (but quite draining).

Toast Masters for business networking and public speaking confidence. Improv Comedy for getting out of your comfort zone.

He could also look at some voluntary work overseas for a short stint, if you are shy it's often time spent with people that helps and I made a few good friends on a placement together.

It is quite tricky as money is such a driving factor in hobbies but hopefully those mentioned are pretty cheap or free.

That's a good point about doing it for yourself too. My mum is probably autistic, not sure how it relates but to large extent and probably because of my neurodiversity myself I had to figure out a lot of things for myself. It's sort of saying okay where would I dream of being in 5 years or 10 years and working backwards from that and brainstorming what you need to do to get there and putting that into steps. It doesn't matter if you don't know because doing something is better than ignoring your hearts desires. What no one wants is to do nothing for ages as that's when a negative mindset sets in, humans aren't meant to do nothing, nothing is painful.

Money is a big factor when it comes to going out and hobbies. He's paying for his own driving lessons and saving for a car and insurance so has little left over each month. I just don't have the money to help him.

Thank you for all of the suggestions @Lexigone. There are 'free' activities, but I always think that they never turn out to be completely free.

I will definitely be encouraging the gym, although he does have some body image hang ups due to his legs. It would be good if he could go with one of his friends to give him some confidence.

Be careful that you’re not inadvertently communicating to him that the lack of friendships is a personal failing. He sounds like a good lad. It can be quite hard in your twenties when you’re no longer moving in tandem with your peers like you did in school and the drink and clubbing culture of the early twenties can be tedious and expensive if it’s not you’re thing.

He sounds like a sensible lad who will find his stride as he goes along.

He sounds like he's in a dip rather than a downward trend, all the things he is doing will lead on to better things and connections.

One thing that he could do is start coaching football for younger ones, it sounds like he'd be great at it and really appreciated.

Sounds good. It's just one thing at a time. The friend I mentioned in my post also has club foot. He wears long shorts just to or below the knees and sandals or trainers in the summer. He's very ripped on top. He's one of the loveliest people I know. Good luck to your DS.

I'm very conscious of this @Theothername. I used to ask him when he was next seeing his friends but I realised that probably wasn't wise.

I also try to not compare him to what I was like at his age. At 17, I'd had a boyfriend for 2 years and was always out at parties or going to concerts.

Thank you @Lexigone ❤️

Being in the office is enough socialising for the week for me! Plus driving lessons plus college one day a week, all sounds totally normal OP.

He obviously just wants his weekends and evenings to chill at home. I remember finding my first job as a teenager exhausting.

This is very true @loropianalover. He has long days at work as the commute is an hour and half each way and 2 buses so out of the house at 7 and back home by 6.

I think you're right @LittleLittleRex, he's in a dip. Perhaps in a transition stage between leaving behind his old friends and making new ones who share his interests.

I also think he probably is a late bloomer, he's always seemed younger than his friends.