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Original poster

How do I make more friends and get new hobbies?

62 replies

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 07:44

I'm aware this is a very broad question.

I'm 25, and live in a small, deprived seaside town. There's not much for anyone under the age of 70, any groups that are on are in the middle of the workday and so they're off the table.

I've ordered crochet sets from Amazon, I try painting etc., but I'm just not good at art at all. Anything creative I just struggle with. I looked into pottery lessons but they're very expensive for what they are and I don’t know it it would be my type of thing, it looks cool though.

All of my friends from uni live 2-3 hours away and even though we speak everyday and go for weekends away it's just not the same as having someone you can see on a whim on a Friday night is it?

I was bullied very badly in school and I think that's part of it, all of my hobbies are very solitary things - reading, baking, cooking. I love f1 and football but don't think they can be described as hobbies and in any event I go to these with my brother and dad.

I just feel a bit lost. I feel like I don't have much of an identity and want to be this interesting person and, eventually, settle down and meet someone. I've never dated anyone because I'm overweight and keep telling myself I'll find someone when I've lost the weight and I'm more attractive, and dating apps are a total waste of time down here. Nobody can carry a conversation to save their lives.

What do I do? I feel like an old hermit already and just feel so sad that I'm such a loner

OP posts:

NellietheNumpty · 06/08/2024 09:28

I had a DD who was in a situation a bit like you. She moved to a new area without knowing anyone. Not very confident and an introvert.

The thing that changed for her about making friends was her mindset. She went about making friends intentionally. So she would go along to something and give it a couple have of goes if it wasn’t grim. If people talked to her she chatted back. She looked up ways to make small talk. Yes sometimes it wasn’t a success.

Actually it wasn’t the first tier of people who were the friends that stuck but leads from the first attempts.

The friendship groups that flourished were 3 fold.
A faith based group who were safe and welcoming. Some neighbours who met intermittently and played board games. A Spanish film group. There turned out to be people nearby who didn’t have English as a first language and were a bit isolated she was an asset to speak English and navigate the local community.

This is actually a romantic story. One of her neighbours had an old school friend staying for a few nights during the bit of COVID when restrictions were lifted a bit. She met the friend and they fell in love. 18
months later he moved to be with her. I am visiting them today.

The fact you are opening the door and looking if the important bit. The difficult bits are meeting people for the first time but you only have to do that once. You can do it.

nzeire · 06/08/2024 09:38

I love that story Nellie!

my beautiful brave daughter has just moved to the other side of the world, is living in a youth hostel for free whilst working there for 20 hours a week.

she was terrified, absolutely terrified. She felt the fear and did it Anyhows. I was the same when younger, so scared of change, but more scared of living a long boring isolated life.

she is thriving. She is meeting people, learning to love her own company, meeting other lone travellers and is excited about life.

id make a plan if I was you…

lose the weight, it’s easy, just eat less shit
guve yourself a timeline, 6 months to a year to be out of the miserable little town.
get a second job, save money, invest in your appearance and then go, just go

life can be fantastic. Make it happen

gettinghealthy · 06/08/2024 09:42

Join the walking group! I'm part of a local walking group and it's how I've met most people I know. Most are quite a bit older than me but that hasn't been a problem at all and I still enjoy a Friday night glass of wine with some of them. Our walking group always walks at the slowest person's pace, no matter who they are.

Also join the pottery group! You say it sounds interesting so give it a go!

Original poster

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 10:00

Thanks everyone

Moving just isn't feasible for me for a number of reasons (including mental health), as much as I would be interested in it at the moment it just won't work - I'm in the middle of a period of training and feel like it would be a waste to throw it away

OP posts:

stravagante · 06/08/2024 10:03

See if there is a local am dram group. They're super for creating a shared sense of belonging and you don't have to be onstage if you don't want to. You can be behind the scenes. It's a great atmosphere and super teamwork. And fun!

Polarnight · 06/08/2024 10:05

I joined a kayaking club when I was in my 20s. Had lots of adventures. By the sea you're perfectly placed.

Original poster

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 10:06

Polarnight · 06/08/2024 10:05

I joined a kayaking club when I was in my 20s. Had lots of adventures. By the sea you're perfectly placed.

The thought of me in a kayak does make me laugh 🤣 my friend has suggested we go kayaking this weekend when I meet up with them so I may do!

OP posts:

Izzynohopanda · 06/08/2024 10:08

Be brave, pick a sport or hobby mand have a go.

Maybe enrol in a woman’s golf lesson course. You may find it’s not your thing, but at least have a go. Or a sailing course, or evening pottery classes, or learn a foreign language.

If you try something new, and decide it’s not for you, don’t consider that a failure, but a success. You’ve had a go!

Original poster

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 10:10

Izzynohopanda · 06/08/2024 10:08

Be brave, pick a sport or hobby mand have a go.

Maybe enrol in a woman’s golf lesson course. You may find it’s not your thing, but at least have a go. Or a sailing course, or evening pottery classes, or learn a foreign language.

If you try something new, and decide it’s not for you, don’t consider that a failure, but a success. You’ve had a go!

I used to do golf and actually did enjoy it at one point!

I think my issue is I'm not naturally gifted at much, so when I do something and I'm bad I feel really humiliated and like people are judging me for it

OP posts:

BarnacleBeasley · 06/08/2024 10:15

Don't assume you have to have friends who are like you. I've been in sports clubs where I was the only young woman among a load of mainly retired working men and it was great - I ended up being able to pop into any pub in my small town on my way home and know there'd be someone to chat to, and I was rarely allowed to buy my own drink. If there are any sports clubs in your town who run beginners' courses, they will be delighted to welcome you even if you're crap - if they're doing beginners it's because they need to get their membership up and they'll probably be very sociable. I tried stuff like fencing, archery etc. when I was new to an area and had a great time. If there's a local running club and they offer couch to 5k groups they'll probably have lots of beginner and intermediate runners.

TheRozzers · 06/08/2024 10:19

Omg you are 25! You are young and single, life is there to be lived. Please do something exciting now while you don't have ties and responsibilities.

Why on earth would you stay in a bleak, deprived seaside town with no friends when you could literally do anything else?!

In your shoes I would do BUNAC and get a temporary job in America - it's designed for students and recent graduates.

bunac.org/about-bunac

BobbinThreadbare123 · 06/08/2024 10:20

Don't worry about being slow in a walking group. I am fairly slim and fit but I have a very bad knee and I plod with determination. Nobody minds!

Princessfluffy · 06/08/2024 10:23

Some hobbies are much more social than others. Eg walking tends to be a lot more social than going to the gym. Dancing might be good if you choose Latin/Salsa/ballroom.

Acting classes are good for getting to know people. Book clubs might work too.

Volunteering can be good depending on the job.

I think that identifying that you want more social interaction is the most important first step. Second step is to prioritise regular activities that let you interact with others. Mumsnet pointed me in the direction of podcasts about friendship and I found that helpful. Basically you need to spend regular time with the same person/people as a starting point.

You can also meet people with shared interests in facebook groups and this can turn into friendships in different locations or even countries.

Lovingsummers · 06/08/2024 10:23

If you enjoy art, etc, you don't have to be good at it. It can just be for enjoyment.

I find that to make connections you do just need to put yourself out there and try new things. The important thing in making actual friends is to persist, as the friendship thing takes time. I don't necessarily find that easy as an introvert, so I know it can be hard to do and keep up the energy.

I find activities where you have to talk to people can be good for making connections. Things like the gym I never found good for that as everyone was just getting on with their own workout.

Original poster

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 10:27

Thanks everyone, I'll look at some beginners clubs/courses etc

I'm scared to leave my hometown because my dad is ageing (70s) and is having more health episodes. I feel a responsibility as his eldest daughter to be at home and on hand to look after him. The responsibilities all fall to me when he's ill, I have to do all shopping etc., as my mum is solely occupied with caring for him

OP posts:

PotatoPie111 · 06/08/2024 10:28

DH and I have just had this discussion about a lovely young man he works with. I think it’s harder being a young male as the main place they socialise is sport.
Women tend to gravitate towards a wider variety of activities.
I understand if you don’t want to say where you are but can you give an area and people might have more suggestions?

spikeandbuffy · 06/08/2024 10:36

Wild swimming?
Netball - there's a lot of couch to court stuff opening up now

Ginmonkeyagain · 06/08/2024 10:46

Do you have a Parkrun? They are great for meeting people and getting a bit fitter. Don't worry about not being able to run at first, many people walk it, indeed they have a tail walker who brings up the rear to chat with and cheer on slower runners and walkers.

Octavon · 06/08/2024 10:50

Amateur theatre usually attracts a younger and slightly more educated crowd, you could try that?

Turophilic · 06/08/2024 10:57

You’re 25 - you will learn as you get older that not only are people NOT judging you for being rubbish at something, they aren’t even thinking about you.

They are as caught up in their internal stuff as much as you are caught up in yours. You are a passing thought, if that. Just as they are to you.

They won’t go home and tell their family about the lass who was 4 over par on that one hole. Their lives and heads are full of whether they should wear the blazer to the meeting or if that’s overkill, how much they enjoyed that bagel, whether Child A’s PE kit is clean and why doesn’t anyone else in this house ever unload the damned dishwasher…

Try things. Throw yourself into it. Say hello. Turn up every week so you have a nodding acquaintance with a group of people, then maybe chat to some of them.

Dentalflossie · 06/08/2024 11:03

Sea swimming. There is bound to be a group near you. There will be friendly women of all weights and ages in the group.

Dentalflossie · 06/08/2024 11:07

And the older women might have kids your age.

Izzynohopanda · 06/08/2024 11:16

Turophilic · 06/08/2024 10:57

You’re 25 - you will learn as you get older that not only are people NOT judging you for being rubbish at something, they aren’t even thinking about you.

They are as caught up in their internal stuff as much as you are caught up in yours. You are a passing thought, if that. Just as they are to you.

Try things. Throw yourself into it. Say hello. Turn up every week so you have a nodding acquaintance with a group of people, then maybe chat to some of them.

So true!

Taytotots · 06/08/2024 11:23

Turophilic · 06/08/2024 10:57

You’re 25 - you will learn as you get older that not only are people NOT judging you for being rubbish at something, they aren’t even thinking about you.

They are as caught up in their internal stuff as much as you are caught up in yours. You are a passing thought, if that. Just as they are to you.

Try things. Throw yourself into it. Say hello. Turn up every week so you have a nodding acquaintance with a group of people, then maybe chat to some of them.

Hear hear! I was going to reply to OP and say the same but @Turophilic puts it much better. People really aren't looking at you. I was a shy teen and this is something I have only really appreciated in later life.

However as someone who is co-ordination challenged I do find non team sports to be better. Things like yoga, bootcamp, outdoor swimming etc. Park run are very welcoming to all abilities and need volunteers to marshall etc so that might be a good one to try.

Good luck! Making new friends can be really tricky but it sounds like you are trying all the right avenues.

Keepingongoing · 06/08/2024 16:26

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 06/08/2024 10:27

Thanks everyone, I'll look at some beginners clubs/courses etc

We all need to be needed, but this made me sad, @NeedSomeAnswersPlease . Why should all the domestic responsibility fall to you when your dad is ill? What would happen if you weren’t nearby? I know it’s hard if you’ve grown up into the role, and perhaps your parents/ family expect it of you, but it is not fair if it stops you from living your best life. You’re very young to be tied down by caring responsibilities. Please, feel that it’s ok to put yourself first at this point in your life, and if you feel that you’d have more social opportunities away from your hometown and you want to move, allow yourself to explore that.

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