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Original poster

I am in love but he doesn’t feel the same

16 replies

babbi · 05/08/2024 20:40

Just that really …

I am going to cut all non professional ties ( we work in the same industry and will have to be in touch through work at least 3 times per week ) as it’s hurting too much .

I will plaster a huge smile on my face and no longer meet him out of work .We have casually dated for 6 months .

I will be fine eventually but just wondered if anyone feels the same ie loving someone who likes you but doesn’t have the same strength of feelings ?

I am spending 5 hours tomorrow with him on a project . I will be smiling but hurting inside.

Any advice please ?

OP posts:
Original poster
babbi · 13/08/2024 22:19

Hopeful bump as I’m really struggling with this ..

OP posts:
CalicoPusscat · 14/08/2024 00:41

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I think you're going to have to keep up the pretense of happy on the outside until your feelings start to fade, like a swan looking serene on a lake but the legs are pedalling underneath. Try to avoid him as much as possible.

And definitely focus on enjoying yourself elsewhere, with friends or learning something new etc.

Promise it will fade in time!

DoreenonTill8 · 14/08/2024 00:43

Are you in/have you had a relationship or is it unrequited love?

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Dating General relationships
Biggaybear · 14/08/2024 01:48

Are you in a relationship ? If so sometimes love takes more time to evolve for some than it does for others. Can't you carry on as you were..? If you've been happy dating why cause all this turmoil for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/08/2024 02:00

@babbi

Yes, I've been there. And yes, it hurts. But you're doing the right thing by ending the 'dating' and taking things back to a strictly business relationship. You don't really owe him an explanation, so maybe say vaguely that it's not working for you and that you're better off as friends.

It's so hard when the heart wants what it wants but the other party doesn't feel the same. It's important to remember that it's not your fault you 'feel too much' and it's not his fault that he 'feels too little'. It just 'is'. But you will recover, probably sooner than you think

When I say it's not his fault, I'm assuming that he's been basically honest with you and hasn't led you on. Because if he has led you on, then he's a fucking shit who doesn't deserve you and I hope his dick falls off.

Original poster
babbi · 17/08/2024 20:35

@AcrossthePond55 @Biggaybear @CalicoPusscat @DoreenonTill8

Thank you so much all for taking the time to respond and for sharing your views .
I’m very grateful .

Its a very casual relationship, meet when we meet type thing as we live in different cities .
I was very happy with that but didn’t anticipate I would fall in love and develop these feelings which to be honest are stronger than I have ever known .
totally agree that I can’t help how I feel and neither can he .
It is what it is .
Avoiding him is very difficult (eg we will be in London for 2 days next month together on business 🙈)
Deep down I suppose I’m just going to have to develop a tough hide and try to keep my feelings in check and hope that they fade a bit in time .

Theres huge chemistry there which is obvious to some people which doesn’t help .

Recently we were sat in a bar for a few hours ( it was relatively quiet midweek ) and a total stranger walked over to us and said “my husband and I have been watching you enjoying each others company .. you look like dynamite together … please try to never lose this “

we both thanked her and said ,, oh we won’t !!
it was bizarre. But I got what she meant .. we were “ buzzing off each other “

its going to be quite a battle to dampen it down but my gut says while he likes me it’s not as sting his side .. I’ll get hurt .. so best to halt it now …

thanks again to you all

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2024 20:37

Don't let him suck you back in for an easy shag, because he will and that won't help you at all.

Mumteedum · 17/08/2024 20:41

So have you talked to him? He knows how you feel and he's said it is not reciprocated?

AcrossthePond55 · 18/08/2024 01:23

@babbi

It's tough when you still have to be around them. Have you told him yet that you'd like to take a step back or is it a situation where he won't think there's a step to be taken back because you're already 'just friends'?

As far as the London thing, I know it's business but is there anyway you can take someone along as a 'buffer'? If not can you make up some commitment you have to keep and just absent yourself after the business part of the day is done?

And I agree with a PP, do not sleep with him. If that's been part of your relationship it needs to stop. And there's nothing wrong with telling him that. You could always frame it as "Things are getting too complicated for me so we need to back off on the physical and just have fun together".

Constantcookies · 18/08/2024 01:27

I haven’t quite fallen in love and not had it reciprocated but I’ve fallen for someone harder than they have for me and come close to being in love, while dating and I realised they weren’t going to get into deep with me so I just ended things. It hurts like anything. But as time goes on it hurts a little bit less!

Janedoe82 · 18/08/2024 01:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
babbi · 18/08/2024 11:09

Thanks again all .
Agree , stop sleeping with him and next time he invites me for dinner, drinks privately as it were etc I’ll politely say I’d like to revert to just being friends and thanks for the time we’ve spent so far but it’s not working for me .

Re , having the conversation with him , he knows how I feel , he says he has very strong feelings for me and I believe him ,however I do know in my heart that they are not nearly as strong .So best to stop now .

@AcrossthePond55 a buffer is a good idea but not practical as we do have a lot of social engagements together due to work ..
( I’m with him on Tuesday and Wednesday night this coming week for example)

This is definitely not my smartest move 🙄
i just never considered I’d fall for him ..

I will just need to tough it out and stay strong .
@Constantcookies I’m sorry the same happened to you . It’s a shame when things just don’t work out.

Thanks again all , I really appreciate your time and viewpoints .

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2024 11:14

It does sound rather like you've decided for yourself what he wants and how he feels and it doesn't meet your expectations.

Have you actually had a conversation abou wanting a relationship?

pikkumyy77 · 18/08/2024 11:19

I have had to end a relationship that wasn’t going to work and see him every day at the office and at conferences. Its hard but also easier than you think. Its like going cold turkey with a drug, or deciding to cit out sugar or alcohol. You just do it. You rearrange your expectations. You carefully look for other people to talk to. You stop checking in with him. Snd you regain your peace of mind.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/08/2024 16:04

@babbi

Too bad you can't take a buffer, but I'm sure you're determined and will do fine.

The situation reminds me of something I was told about workplace/business contact romances after a dating disaster of my own with a coworker.

"Never shit where you eat"

Wise words.

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