Page 2 | How to say no to this coffee with ex-friend

NeverMindTheBackProblems · 2024-08-05T13:00:24+00:00

She's apparently been through a tough time since we last met. But we had parted ways before that due to her unpredictable behaviour. I'm sorry she's had a tough time but it doesn't change the facts of what went before. She's reached out wanting to meet for a coffee but I don't want to go. I don't know how to say no. Or should I go and see what she has to say? Either way, I have no interest in resuming the friendship. But I do want to let her down gently due the tough time she has been through.

Original poster

NeverMindTheBackProblems · 05/08/2024 22:53

Pantaloons99 · 05/08/2024 16:03

I am a real stickler for honesty and openness, but on this one, I feel different. I feel that you should take the high road here. That means dodging it as kindly as possible to save yourself but also to be decent to her.
Let's be honest, saying we've moved on and too much water under the bridge is incredibly rejecting and smells a little bit of haha, up yours, I'm doing ok now without you.

I would take time to reply. I would then make an excuse about being so incredibly busy with commitments that you aren't sure when you'll be able to catch up but hope things are ok.
Then simply grey rock any replies after that. Very very short blunt answers and asking no questions at all. Hopefully she will read into this.

I think you can walk away from this feeling less of a dick, especially if they are having a really difficult time. Anyone with sense will get the message.

Thank you @Pantaloons99 . I do want to be decent to her as we were friends and did have good times before things blew up.

I do think it has been brave of her to reach out given what she has been through so I think I might just reply saying sorry to hear about what she has been through and I hope all is well now. I'm going to disregard the coffee invite and just not mention it. It might be a bit cowardly, but as Pantaloons has said, I don't want to brush it off as an "I'm sorry you're not ok but I'm doing just fine thanks".

Thank you everyone for your replies. I wonder what HowDoYouFeelToday thought she was posting on!

OP posts:

mummybear35 · 08/08/2024 19:00

Do you want her in your life? Yes or no? If no then just say no thanks to meeting up, give an excuse of an alternative appointment if that makes you feel better but I never do. Life is short and the older I get, I find I just don’t have the tolerance or patience to deal with people I don’t want in my life. You don’t owed her anything, if you don’t want her in your life, that’s your prerogative and you don’t need to justify it to her or anyone else..

Elyalbert · 08/08/2024 19:04

Pantaloons99 · 05/08/2024 16:03

I am a real stickler for honesty and openness, but on this one, I feel different. I feel that you should take the high road here. That means dodging it as kindly as possible to save yourself but also to be decent to her.
Let's be honest, saying we've moved on and too much water under the bridge is incredibly rejecting and smells a little bit of haha, up yours, I'm doing ok now without you.

I would take time to reply. I would then make an excuse about being so incredibly busy with commitments that you aren't sure when you'll be able to catch up but hope things are ok.
Then simply grey rock any replies after that. Very very short blunt answers and asking no questions at all. Hopefully she will read into this.

I think you can walk away from this feeling less of a dick, especially if they are having a really difficult time. Anyone with sense will get the message.

I would do this too. You are simply too busy to meet, every time she asks.

DazedAndConfused321 · 08/08/2024 19:20

"Having thought about this, I've realised I don't think it's a good idea for us to meet up again. I wish you the best."

You can bat her off but eventually she might pull the 'but I'm really struggling' card and you'll be made to feel bad. Just cut her off!

SilverliningHunter · 08/08/2024 19:43

I was once very hurt by the way a friend of mine behaved during my divorce. After a while they began to realise I no longer attended events they’d be at (a conscious choice of mine and I just used to politely decline invitations from mutual friends to things I would have gone to before, they presumably also spotted that I’d defriended them on social media.

They sent a card to my home apologising ‘if they’d upset me’ and asked to meet. I thanked them but politely declined and wished them and their family well for the future (and meant it)

Their behaviour was a real dealbreaker for me and I have no regrets over how I handled it.

1989whome · 08/08/2024 21:38

No response is a response. Just don't message back, no need to overthink it. You let her go for a reason. No explanation needed

fourelementary · 08/08/2024 21:44

@NeverMindTheBackProblems I ended a friendship a few years ago and if she did this (which I can actually imagine her doing in a similar situation) I would have to say more clearly a no to coffee. Maybe I’d say I was sorry to hear of the rough time and that wished her well but I would also have to end with “however I do not think that meeting up would be a good idea, take care” as otherwise I think replying is opening the door even a crack towards friendship being rekindled.

I had a different friend with whom life had just fizzled out despite many attempts on my part to keep in touch… when she randomly messaged me recently having only noticed a year after I defriended her that we were no longer friends I cba replying so just ignored it.

TheBerry · 08/08/2024 21:52

Princessfluffy · 05/08/2024 18:29

Thanks but I'm not looking to meet up. All the best, Amanda

I don't see how getting sucked into meeting up benefits either of you.

This is cold af. Would anyone actually say these things???

If she’s having a tough time this will be gutting to read.

Honestly I’d go with one of the gentler responses on here. Something about wishing her well but that it doesn’t seem the best idea to meet given the falling out, or even just that your life is too busy.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/08/2024 22:30

TheBerry · 08/08/2024 21:52

This is cold af. Would anyone actually say these things???

If she’s having a tough time this will be gutting to read.

Honestly I’d go with one of the gentler responses on here. Something about wishing her well but that it doesn’t seem the best idea to meet given the falling out, or even just that your life is too busy.

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No one would say that in RL, it's easy to be that cold in front of a keyboard.

NoThanksymm · 09/08/2024 21:46

I’d just say ‘oh shoot, busy that day’ and drop it.

no date? Sorry, life has been crazy lately. I really can’t commit right now

ReacherSaidNothing · 12/08/2024 08:09

@NeverMindTheBackProblems did you reply and what did she respond with?

LookItsMeAgain · 12/08/2024 08:35

FortunataTagnips · 05/08/2024 15:13

“I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had a hard time and I hope things are going better for you now, but I won’t be able to meet up”. And then ignore any further messages.

If you haven't already responded, this would be the wording I'd send.

How to say no to this coffee with ex-friend

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