At the end of my rope with rude, disrespectful teenager

[MoSalahsBeard]

I know their brains at this age are not fully ‘wired up’ yet and I’ve given as much consideration to that as I can but I can’t take anymore.

my son pivots between being delightful to a horrible, explosive nightmare. Take last night for example, we were all watching tv for a while together and he threw a furious strop because we wouldn’t agree to watch what he wanted. It was the last straw. He has been like this for years. We have tried taking his phone away, banning PlayStation, etc etc but he just goes back to being rude and disrespectful again. I actually fear telling him he can’t do x and y because I know he will blow up. That’s not to say I don’t do it anyway, but my god I am living in a toxic environment right now. Me and dh can’t take anymore.

He is nearly 14.

he literally says no to me when I ask him to do his inhaler or his teeth etc.

im sick of it

Bump

You talk about what he can't do. What is he allowed to do? Does he have to sit with you? If we are watching something our dc don't want to watch then they are free to go elsewhere in the house or put up and shut up.

Wrt teeth/inhaler, they are done when you ask or the WiFi goes off. We had a brief phase of this with dd2, also nearly 14. It was brief because she soon got the message.

I think pick your battles.

I've just read this book and have already implemented some of the ideas and they are helping!

My ds is similar, he is 16 now and improved somewhat. 12 to 14 was particularly awful. Dh and I argue all the time over it too as it creates such stress. I often get a knot in my stomach as he walks into the room and never knew when he was going to kick off. My ds was always headstrong and difficult even as a toddler, becoming especially difficult from around 9, so in a way we expected hellish teenage years. If for example I asked him to pass the towel beside him, he probably wouldn't. He would argue about whether I need the towel, he might throw it at me so it lands on the floor, or he might just get up and walk away. Stupid aggressive acts with no context. I don't think we even attempted to watch TV together at 14, we gave up on that.

Hormones are a huge part of it, with a boy it might manifest in a temper, with a girl often tears. I think because of this we feel more tenderness towards a girl struggling with puberty than a boy, and this is unfair. They have to tolerate other hormonal and often obnoxious boys in school all day long so there is a build up of stress that explodes at home. All you can do is keep talking to him, maybe with a change of scene and establish if anything else is going on. He may need to learn techniques to calm himself and you need to stay calm, there is no point in meeting a temper tantrum with anger. I remember seeking help for this type of oppositional behaviour and I was told to go scream in a pillow or lock myself in a bathroom to silently shout or whatever but never lose control in front of DS. it's unbelievably difficult and why I have so much problems with DH, he shouts back every time. Of course he needs to know this behaviour isn't acceptable and has consequences but that's a discussion for when he has calmed himself.

We bought DS a punch bag and it helped a bit. He has sensory needs and is ND so it is different, but it might help your DS to have an outlet for hormonal anger.

No he doesn’t always have to sit with us. We normally watch a bit of tv as a family in the evening and he likes to get his way with what he’s watching.

He goes out with friends, has time on his phone, plays on the PlayStation with friends etc. he just has these explosions of being so horribly rude and it gets us down. We encourage him in everything, spend tons of time and money taking him to lessons and football practice that he wants to do, but the second he doesn’t get his way he turns into a monster.

he threw a furious strop because we wouldn’t agree to watch what he wanted

Does he have his own TV? A firestick? A phone/tablet to watch stuff on? It's an age where these need to be seriously considered, as tools to keep the peace.

My nearly 14yo (and DH) wanted to watch UFC last night. I wanted to watch Olympics. We discussed - Olympics only every 4 years verses UFC something about British importance. Then we compromised - I'd watch Olympics until track and field finished, while DS had xbox. Then I'd have a bath while they watched UFC.

Bottom line is - negotiating and compromising works with things like what's on the TV. By compromising on the small stuff, I get less push back when I assert boundaries that do matter.

People with older teens have told me that 11/13/14-16 is hard. They are hit by a wave of adolescence and hormones that they don't know how to navigate - and they are all over the place.

By 6th form their bodies/brains have learnt to accommodate the adolescent surge and they settle down a bit.

Mine are 15 and nearly 13 so waiting for the storm to peak ....

He does have gallons of time to watch what he wants- but if we are ever together having a bit of family time he wants to choose what we watch together.

I have a teen ds who occasionally throws a strop. My standard response is 'If you speak to me like that, you do your own food shopping, and your own cooking and your own washing. I am not your sodding house keeper.'

Then I retreat to a safe distance and wait for him to get hungry. An apology has always been forthcoming so far. 😂

In your case I'd add 'and buy your own tv and pay for your own tv licence' too

Can't he watch things on catch-up or on his laptop if he wants to?

Have a read of The Explosive Child book.

Does he want the family time, or do you? If you are insisting on it, then I'd suggest lowering your expectations.

Focussing purely on the tv time together, can you not allow him his choice for an hour? Don't view it as 'giving in,' view it as your teen still actually wanting to sit with you watching something.

So no , he can't dominate viewing for hours on end but surely allowing one programme wouldn't hurt and would go some way to restoring peace?

Does he ever get to chose what you watch when together as a family?

I have a ds and I'm a LP. I've always said no to changing the channel if I'm watching something. But sometimes I'll suggest he comes and watches something with me and he chooses. He naturally started asking my opinion as he got older and less self centred.

But it's also meant I've watched things I would never normally choose to watch over the years and I've enjoyed a lot of them.

I also think you need natural consequences to his behaviour too. If my ds ever spoke to me unkindly I'd do things like not tell him I was putting washing on. If he questioned me I'd simply say why would I speak to him to benefit him if he couldn't speak to me nicely about xxxxx?

But I think that's easy for me to say maybe because my ds is t generally rude and sometimes just needs a little shock reminder 😉

Ignore him. Leave the room. Nod politely. Pick your battles.

@headpillowhit are you trolling every thread on MN today by any chance?

Because you're a stand out name today in basically being an arse to other posters across the board

He should be afraid of you, not the other way round! I don't mean afraid as in afraid afraid, but more have a healthy level of respect for you and the knowledge that you won't tolerate any behaviour like that and that you'll follow through on keeping the games console locked up and phone banned until his behaviour is sorted for good!
I wouldn't have dared disrespect my parents like that, my stuff would have got binned!