Awkward social situation in new job, please help me resolve it

[Chapell]

I started a new job several months ago, it's a hybrid role but the company is very flexible - there are no mandated office days and my manager has said I can do what I like. I like to work from home, so that is what I have been doing. I went into the office once to meet my manager, and then got the chance to meet a couple of colleagues in-person too. But other than that I've been working from home.

Nearly all of my colleagues (including my manager) are based in the 'main' office which is in London, whereas I'm up North in a smaller office - it's mainly for other teams but there are 6 of us in my team/department who are based there. They are very close and lovely, and they added me into their group chat when they heard I'd be based in the same office as them. However, as I have been working from home I haven't been replying to any general messages in the chat (none were directly addressed to me, so I haven't been ignoring them - just when they ask if anyone is going in on X day I don't reply). I also thought there were more people in the chat then there were, so thought it was less obvious if I didn't reply and thought there were several others also not replying, but after checking I realise there's just 5 of us in the chat so I feel rude. They are now organising a social, and it is something I feel really uncomfortable with so I don't want to go. I also missed the last social as I was unwell straight after getting back from annual leave - so also didn't reply to those messages as I was on annual leave and then off sick.

I feel really embarrassed and rude, and they must think it's weird that I don't respond to their messages and that most of them still haven't met me in person. At the same time, they're probably paying me no thought and if I suddenly popped up with a message they may had forgotten I had been in the group.

I know I'm overthinking this, I had a bad experience in a previous job. But how can I sort this situation out?

Thank you

I’m sure they know that you don’t actually go to their office and aren’t expecting you to reply each time when asking about who’s going in. Just reply to the social invitation along the lines of “sounds great guys and would have loved the opportunity to meet you all properly but I have plans that day - hopefully I can join you on another one!”

You’re correct that they almost certainly aren’t thinking about you at all, let alone that you’re rude. Just chime in for any messages which are relevant to you and stay quiet the rest of the time, I have loads of colleague Teams groups where this is the norm.

Quite honestly you are overthinking this. And you should go to a social evening; for goodness sake you are an adult and you have to interact with these people every day. Make an effort."
Morning all, would it be ok if I join you? Probably for a short while as have to get back for x bit would be nice to get to know you a little better. I realised o haven't been too chatty on the group- thought there were lots of people on it, sorry!'
And just get on with it. A couple of hours of being pleasant will pay dividends later.

Bless you, yes you’re overthinking it a bit. I often feel like this when I start a new job. Must be hard if they’re all close with each other too.

If you’re happy in your job and your managers are happy with your work I would say don’t sweat the social stuff. If you get invited to stuff you don’t want to go to you can still be friendly while politely declining.

Now you know it’s a small amount of people in the WhatsApp group you can chime in next time someone makes chit chat/asks who’s going in on what day. Eg. Someone says “Who’s going in on Thursday” you just say “Not me, I’ll be WFH x” (personally I love an “x” or smiley emoji to soften things)

If anyone asks why you always work from home just say you love working from home! “You’re all great but I love working from home/get my best work done at home!”

Write a message and say you are going to go along so you can meet them all

You're not doing yourself any favours never working in the office at all, when the rest of them do. Just go in now and again, even if not for the social.

Go to the social. Whether you want to or not, you have to if you want to address this. Post a message in the group to say you will be going and look forward to meeting everyone. @coronafiona did a nice draft for you there! They will be expecting you and probably will reply with encouraging replies if you tell them.

To be honest your post is contradicting, if you want to get on well then you shouldn't be considering snubbing a social event, of course they are going to think you don't care if you don't go. Just go, make the effort and it will be fine.

You should really try and go to the social - turn things around before it’s too late. And respond to the group messages sometimes. Even if it’s just “have a great weekend, everyone”. You are part of a team, whether you choose to see them or not.

I'm actually really conscious and wary of people who just lurk and never speak in groups. It's like you're eavesdropping.

You also need to make an effort and go along. It feels rude because it is rude.

In my office we can wfh or go in. People who rarely attend the office are considered not team players. I'd say starting a new job and only going into the office once in several months, and not attending socials, would give you a poor reputation even if the quality and quantity of your work is fine. A lot of work progression is about your personal brand, people liking you etc. I'd try to go in once a week and attend the social too.

I've seen new people join a company before and make no effort to get to know their colleagues and I've always found it very odd

How do you expect to get to know the team if you're going to hide away at home and not go to the social meetup?

A new person joined our team in April, has on,y come to the office once even though the rest of us go in 1 or 2 days a week. They don't contribute to the Teams chat or offer to help anyone with anything and quite frankly I now wonder what they are actually doing all day and seem to be a bit of a slacker.

Pipe up in the chat, go to the social, make a bit more effort to interact, it will make your team stronger in my opinion!

I do make the effort to get to know my colleagues, although I don’t work directly with any of the ones based in the same office as me so don’t know them well. I also live the furthest away from the office (a 2 hour commute), whereas they all live in same city as the office.

I really don’t want to attend the next social as it’s a dance class activity. If it was just a meal or something I would, but that is hugely outside of my comfort zone.

A dance class will be out of others’ comfort zone as well. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get. Your colleagues will be thinking that you’re rude and antisocial. You need to either attend the social or drop in to the office from time to time.

You really should go to the social - are there drinks before or after you can attend? I hate lying but here I think you need to invent a family birthday or similar, as you'll just look anti social if you say it's not your thing. Then say how you hope to make the next one, wish them a good time, ask afterwards how it was, and generally engage more in the chat.

I know, but I mean a sweaty dance class with colleagues? I can't think of anything worse! I wouldn't even do it with my closest friends. They are still trying to decide on a date, so it's not like I can say I'm busy that day as they haven't decided yet. I really don't want to go.

I do have social anxiety for context, although trying to push through it as much as possible. I left my previous job due to the social side - there were constant socials, and in our weekly team meetings we always had to do social things like 2 truths and a lie, etc. I found it really hard to cope with, which I know sounds pathetic but it's true.

So the team you work with daily is in London and you have online interaction with them?

Then there's basically an office you can work at two hours away where you never go and don't interact with anyone.

Honestly I wouldn't overthink it. Don't go, don't message. You're not a team, they just work in a building you're entitled to use.

However I'd make an effort to get down to London periodically - would work cover flight costs if you're so far away? They're the team you need to work with.

Just be honest.
Just popped up to say I do read the messages, but didn't want to but in. Sorry I have two left feet, so will bow out of the class, but please do let me know if you decide to go for a meal, and don't mind about me attending.

The longer this goes on the worse it will get. Go into the office before the social, and maybe once a month or so, and go to the social.

Can’t believe how many people are pressuring you to socialise when you don’t want to! Guys this is exactly the kind of thing that exacerbates social anxiety! You do you OP. Go if you want. Don’t if you don’t. Change your mind week by week if you want. You don't owe these people anything as long as you’re holding up your professional obligations.

I would just write in the chat saying have fun but not your kind of thing suggest a dinner and that you are happy to organise it as would be nice to meet up. This way you can have some control over where the venue is, suggest somewhere you have been and feel comfortable with.