Has therapy helped you?

Thinkingabouttherapy · 2024-08-01T08:10:44+00:00

I’ve been thinking about therapy recently to address some lingering issues relating to family relationships, childhood etc. There has been some conflict among my siblings recently that has stirred this up again. I normally chat to friends about my worries, they are very patient & supportive and I always listen to their problems too, but I worry about burdening other people with my relatively trivial & self-reflective thoughts and wondered whether this is something I should speak to a therapist about instead? Something that puts me off is the fact that some people I know who’ve been in therapy for years don’t seem to have progressed very much with their issues. I imagine finding the right therapist is key but surely that is very hit & miss. Can anyone offer advice on this? Is it worth getting a therapist?

MassiveSaladEater · 01/08/2024 09:27

Therapy can be incredibly helpful. That’s why so many people do it. (Not you OP) but I don’t know why people sometimes discuss it as if it’s an odd fad or a type of punishment for people who are very mentally ill, ie. You need therapy! When someone says something unacceptable. It works and it can be for everyone

It has helped me enormously. But, therapy is really hard work. The therapist does not really do anything for you or to you and she does not give you answers or advice. You have to work out the answers for yourself and that can take a really long time. Sometimes years. There really is no way this can happen in 6 weeks.

Really take your time to choose the right person for you. This could mean meeting several people before you decide.
Understand that therapists don’t tell you what to do or give you advice
Understand that it’s going to be hard work and take time

HowardTJMoon · 01/08/2024 09:42

I've had therapy in the past and it was absolutely worth it. Talking with friends and relatives can be really good but they're not disinterested observers. They're more likely to tell you what they think you want to hear, may well have preconceptions of the people/events you're talking about based off of their own experiences, and you're more likely to edit what you say because their view of you is important to you. With a therapist those are all (hopefully) factors that don't matter. You can be honest and raw and they'll help you pick apart what's really bothering you.

I tried to make sure I had at least half an hour to myself after each session to think about what had been discussed, to make some notes of things that I wanted to come back to, and to generally decompress a bit.

Give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?

Original poster

Thinkingabouttherapy · 01/08/2024 09:44

MassiveSaladEater · 01/08/2024 09:27

Therapy can be incredibly helpful. That’s why so many people do it. (Not you OP) but I don’t know why people sometimes discuss it as if it’s an odd fad or a type of punishment for people who are very mentally ill, ie. You need therapy! When someone says something unacceptable. It works and it can be for everyone

It has helped me enormously. But, therapy is really hard work. The therapist does not really do anything for you or to you and she does not give you answers or advice. You have to work out the answers for yourself and that can take a really long time. Sometimes years. There really is no way this can happen in 6 weeks.

Really take your time to choose the right person for you. This could mean meeting several people before you decide.
Understand that therapists don’t tell you what to do or give you advice
Understand that it’s going to be hard work and take time

Thank you, this is helpful. How did you go about finding the right therapist? Did you have an initial session with different ones? Were they referred/recommended, or did you look them up on a register or similar?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thinkingabouttherapy · 01/08/2024 09:46

HowardTJMoon · 01/08/2024 09:42

I've had therapy in the past and it was absolutely worth it. Talking with friends and relatives can be really good but they're not disinterested observers. They're more likely to tell you what they think you want to hear, may well have preconceptions of the people/events you're talking about based off of their own experiences, and you're more likely to edit what you say because their view of you is important to you. With a therapist those are all (hopefully) factors that don't matter. You can be honest and raw and they'll help you pick apart what's really bothering you.

I tried to make sure I had at least half an hour to myself after each session to think about what had been discussed, to make some notes of things that I wanted to come back to, and to generally decompress a bit.

Give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?

This is very true - I get a bit frustrated sometimes because my friends seem too supportive and not critical enough, I always worry that I may be the one in the wrong, but my friends are too nice to tell me

OP posts:

financialcareerstuff · 01/08/2024 09:48

I think it depends on a few things OP.

The downsides:

Therapy generally comes with a big financial cost
it can take a while to find 'the right fit', and get into the rhythm.
unfortunately there is always a risk of a bad therapist actually causing damage. And this matters more than, say, your delivery guy doing a bad job, because they are tinkering with your emotional wellbeing, from a position of authority... so when they screw up it can cut very deep (I say this from experience!)
There is also a bit of a risk of becoming reliant on it - yes, each session feels like a good thing that helps, but rather than getting you ready to live more happily, therapy-free, it just becomes like a weekly medicine to cope. Some badly traumatized people probably need this but most people probably don't.

The upsides/when I think therapy can be really useful:

As a caring 'pressure valve release'- simply a safe, accepting space for you to unload and be reassured that your feelings are understandable and valid. I guess I think of this as the 'augmented friend' model and it sounds like this is maybe what you are looking for. I experienced this, for example, when I moved from Africa to the US, was suffering culture shock, and sat with a very nice man for a few weeks, who just listened to me about life In Africa and how lonely and confused I felt. Once I had unloaded and felt there was someone in the world who gave a damn, and was supporting me, I felt able to go on my way, feeling much relieved.
As a transformation....If you have deep troubles, you get the right therapist, and you really invest yourself emotionally, therapy can be transformative. I experienced this across two years of psychotherapy after my divorce. I dug deep to confront very uncomfortable things in childhood, excavated it all, and it transformed/ released aspects of my character that had been locked away for decades. I am undoubtedly a different person, with a different range of expression, experience, and even a different (much better) partner as a result.

I think understanding the modality you go for is also important. I don't have comprehensive experience here, but the three types I have experienced are:

General psychodynamic therapy, which is closest to a wise, qualified friend- listening to you, encouraging you, gently supportive, asking you thought provoking questions. I think this type can be good for the 'augmented friendship/pressure release' intervention, but probably good not to do it too long term, because it can just become like an expensive chat!

2 psychoanalysis. This is generally long term, with the potential to be transformative. The classic psychoanalyst will feel a bit less supportive than the normal therapist, because they 'withhold' more. They don't disclose what they themselves are feeling, so won't say they like/appreciate you, or point out your strengths, or wish you luck for something etc.... they are less likely to comfort you in the short term, as they believe long term transformation comes from revealing and unleashing/ reworking the trauma that is deeper levels.... but they are likely, if they are good, to make observations and ask incredibly perceptive questions that take you ever deeper into your own psyche.

Internal Family Systems. This is an increasingly popular method, which can also be transformative. I find extremely effective if you have some extreme feeling/triggered part of you that you feel is holding you back. Eg, generally you are fine, but you are paralysed by nerves when giving a presentation, or a specific kind of circumstance just massively triggers you and makes you irrationally mad. IFS can be relatively short term. It goes deep quickly, helping you identify scared or defensive parts within your system that hold trauma and need witnessing and relief. So any tough emotion that feels it is out of proportion can be relaxed and released.

There are many other modalities, but I don't have experience of them. All this is just my personal perspective.

Hope this is helpful!

theworldisouttherebebrave · 01/08/2024 10:18

I agree that finding the right therapist and the right type of therapy is essential. If you have a look online there's help deciding what type of therapy you need. I guess you could start by thinking if you want to invest months or a shorter time frame.

Person centred is a type of therapy that lasts around 6 weeks - although can be longer. It's focused very much on you and the therapist is really there to help you sort out your thoughts. You say the problem and the solution. It might look at past issues and how they affect you but it mainly focuses on the present. How you feel now and what can be drive to make you feel better. There's a focus of emotion rather than reason.

Psychodynamic links the past with the present. It is based on the theory that unconscious thoughts have to be brought into the conscious. When this happens you'll gain insight into why you have your issues. It won't necessarily help you work through them but they'll highlight what they are. So it's based on knowledge.

Good luck on your hunt for the perfect therapist 😊

Original poster

Thinkingabouttherapy · 01/08/2024 10:35

financialcareerstuff · 01/08/2024 09:48

I think it depends on a few things OP.

The downsides:

Therapy generally comes with a big financial cost
it can take a while to find 'the right fit', and get into the rhythm.
unfortunately there is always a risk of a bad therapist actually causing damage. And this matters more than, say, your delivery guy doing a bad job, because they are tinkering with your emotional wellbeing, from a position of authority... so when they screw up it can cut very deep (I say this from experience!)
There is also a bit of a risk of becoming reliant on it - yes, each session feels like a good thing that helps, but rather than getting you ready to live more happily, therapy-free, it just becomes like a weekly medicine to cope. Some badly traumatized people probably need this but most people probably don't.

The upsides/when I think therapy can be really useful:

As a caring 'pressure valve release'- simply a safe, accepting space for you to unload and be reassured that your feelings are understandable and valid. I guess I think of this as the 'augmented friend' model and it sounds like this is maybe what you are looking for. I experienced this, for example, when I moved from Africa to the US, was suffering culture shock, and sat with a very nice man for a few weeks, who just listened to me about life In Africa and how lonely and confused I felt. Once I had unloaded and felt there was someone in the world who gave a damn, and was supporting me, I felt able to go on my way, feeling much relieved.
As a transformation....If you have deep troubles, you get the right therapist, and you really invest yourself emotionally, therapy can be transformative. I experienced this across two years of psychotherapy after my divorce. I dug deep to confront very uncomfortable things in childhood, excavated it all, and it transformed/ released aspects of my character that had been locked away for decades. I am undoubtedly a different person, with a different range of expression, experience, and even a different (much better) partner as a result.

I think understanding the modality you go for is also important. I don't have comprehensive experience here, but the three types I have experienced are:

General psychodynamic therapy, which is closest to a wise, qualified friend- listening to you, encouraging you, gently supportive, asking you thought provoking questions. I think this type can be good for the 'augmented friendship/pressure release' intervention, but probably good not to do it too long term, because it can just become like an expensive chat!

2 psychoanalysis. This is generally long term, with the potential to be transformative. The classic psychoanalyst will feel a bit less supportive than the normal therapist, because they 'withhold' more. They don't disclose what they themselves are feeling, so won't say they like/appreciate you, or point out your strengths, or wish you luck for something etc.... they are less likely to comfort you in the short term, as they believe long term transformation comes from revealing and unleashing/ reworking the trauma that is deeper levels.... but they are likely, if they are good, to make observations and ask incredibly perceptive questions that take you ever deeper into your own psyche.

Internal Family Systems. This is an increasingly popular method, which can also be transformative. I find extremely effective if you have some extreme feeling/triggered part of you that you feel is holding you back. Eg, generally you are fine, but you are paralysed by nerves when giving a presentation, or a specific kind of circumstance just massively triggers you and makes you irrationally mad. IFS can be relatively short term. It goes deep quickly, helping you identify scared or defensive parts within your system that hold trauma and need witnessing and relief. So any tough emotion that feels it is out of proportion can be relaxed and released.

There are many other modalities, but I don't have experience of them. All this is just my personal perspective.

Hope this is helpful!

This is extremely helpful & exactly the sort of feedback I was looking for, thank you very much for taking the time to respond in such detail.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thinkingabouttherapy · 01/08/2024 10:37

theworldisouttherebebrave · 01/08/2024 10:18

I agree that finding the right therapist and the right type of therapy is essential. If you have a look online there's help deciding what type of therapy you need. I guess you could start by thinking if you want to invest months or a shorter time frame.

Person centred is a type of therapy that lasts around 6 weeks - although can be longer. It's focused very much on you and the therapist is really there to help you sort out your thoughts. You say the problem and the solution. It might look at past issues and how they affect you but it mainly focuses on the present. How you feel now and what can be drive to make you feel better. There's a focus of emotion rather than reason.

Psychodynamic links the past with the present. It is based on the theory that unconscious thoughts have to be brought into the conscious. When this happens you'll gain insight into why you have your issues. It won't necessarily help you work through them but they'll highlight what they are. So it's based on knowledge.

Good luck on your hunt for the perfect therapist 😊

Thank you very much. I do think that something like the initial ‘person centered’ approach you’ve described would be a good starting point.

This has been very helpful!

OP posts:

Growlybear83 · 01/08/2024 10:46

My GP referred me for talking therapy a few years ago when I had huge problems with my mum, mother in law, my daughter, and my husband's health all at the same time. The therapist was very pleasant and was quite nice to talk to, but there was nothing practical that anyone could do to help my situation and I found it a complete waste of time. It was much more helpful for me to talk to friends who actually knew me and my family than a stranger who was being paid to make sympathetic noises and set me daft homework between sessions.