Has anyone successfully, genuinely improved their self esteem?!

[Overthinker89]

Hi all, I'm looking for a bit of hope here. I've always been quite conscious of my appearance and never felt typically "pretty." In theory this shouldn't matter to me because I have been raised and identify as a feminist who believes woman are plagued by unrealistic beauty expectations. But, for all my reasoning and logic I can't seem to move away from criticising myself. I feel better about myself when I'm thin, even though I hate our society for body shaming and try and celebrate and appreciate all body types. Anyway, I suppose what I'm asking is has anyone genuinely improved their self esteem and if so how? A stream of constant rejection via online dating isn't helping... Thanks all x

I’m not sure but I think you might embrace your different looks. If you’re not conventionally attractive then find your people who look similar? Is that what you mean?

Who do you think is typically pretty? Do you want to look like them? There are so many attractive people, who aren't all pretty.

Yep. It coincided with when I accepted myself and stopped giving a fuck what others thought about me.

Yes I have, the key for me was improving my body for my health, not trying to change me for looks, but making my health both physical & mental a priority. I now love how my body looks because I know how strong it is. I love reaching new goals, knowing I am only doing this for myself, not for anyone else.

Online dating is the worst way to meet pp tbh. Just try and meet pp by doing things you genuinely enjoy. And you can improve your self esteem by doing things that challenge you, like doing a course, travell ing, public speaking, getting involved in a cause that matters to you, volunteering, joining an amateur dramatic group. Just get off the internet and engage with people in real life, that will improve your self esteem more than anything online. Do something you can feel proud of!

Online dating is the devil's cesspit.

Hang out elsewhere, online and IRL.

Make the best of yourself, whatever that means to you. If it means being fashionable or conventionally beautiful then work towards that. If it means improving your assertiveness, public speaking, your qualifications or skill at a hobby, do that. Whatever success looks like for you, work towards it.

The people who look naturally beautiful, aren't. They're putting a lot of effort into it but they maybe don't see it as effort because it's important to them so it's just part of their lifestyle. Same with gym bunnies and slim people. Some find these things easier than others, but nobody wakes up looking like they've stepped out of a magazine. Or if they do, like Morning Routine YouTubers, it's because they've had lip fillers, makeup tattoos, Turkey teeth, fake nails, hair extensions and eyebrows done and all that, plus they probably did fake tan and a face mask before they went to bed last night. They also went out and bought their pyjamas on purpose to look good instead of grabbing a holey tee DP never wears any more to sleep in.

Basically be the person you want to be so you can like yourself and feel good about yourself. Act on your beliefs. If you don't know what they are, read some self help books or get therapy to figure it out. If you feel you don't have a life really, build one. Realise that you (not a partner) are the centre of your life and that you have control over it, then others negative opinions won't have the power to wound you so much if at all.

We're all just a collection of cells, cogs in the universe, floating through space on a lump of spinning rock. Stop navel gazing, look around at the world you inhabit and start living in it. You've as much right to be here as any other thing that exists.

I can't seem to move away from criticising myself

You really need to work on not doing this. This is how I improved my self esteem. I realised that the voice in my head was my mum's voice, constantly criticising me. I worked hard to change this by becoming more aware of it. So when I caught myself doing it, I made an effort to tell it to shut up (literally) and then imagine what my best friend (who is lovely) would say instead. Once I'd changed the voice to that of my best friend's, I then worked on changing it to mine, so that I became my own best friend in a way.

It takes a lot of work, but it absolutely can be done!

Also, and this is very cringe, I would do that thing of telling myself, out loud, "I love you".

My therapist said that this works because you're brain doesn't care who is saying it, it just hears it, and the neural pathways form and you feel loved.

Yes. Therapy to deal with the constant negative self thought that had come from my upbringing has been life changing. I like the person I am. In terms of liking my physical appearance, changing my focus from wanting to be thinner to look a certain way to wanting to be fit and strong as I age has made a big difference.

I had really low self esteem after my first serious relationship ended in my mid-20s. I ended up going on a holiday by myself to SE Asia for two weeks. Spent the whole time wearing bikinis, no makeup, not shaving my legs, just enjoying myself.

When I returned home it suddenly felt silly to be so bothered about what people thought of me etc. It really helped me get some perspective. I realised I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to fit some “ideal” of attractiveness that no one can achieve. If someone doesn’t like me the way I am that’s absolutely fine as there are a thousand who would.

Try the book ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant. Very easy exercises, you may feel daft doing them but do them anyway (ignore your inner voice). But you have to do them daily. Some you can do hourly.

Also list your values and live by them every single day. Note in a journal what you did each day that demonstrated your values.

What I did was start to not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of how I look. Amazing how freeing it is😁