Parents with lots of rules make for anxious kids

[hopeidontsoundabitsmug]

Regularish poster. NC'd as feel I sound a bit smug and don't feel strong enough for AIBU but want to float a theory.

My DC are a bit older now but over the years I've noticed that kids who develop anxiety often have parents who create loads of rules.

You know the type - sweets only on a Saturday, half an hour on the ipad when the moon in in Venus, no TV unless they've got a distinction in their viola exam and/or it's a documentary in Manderin etc etc.

They tell you all this very proudly or like it's "normal" but later down the line kids seem to be really struggling with anxiety or forming friendships.

I have always had boundaries for the DC and expect good behaviour / homework done etc but felt like these parents were storing up mental health issues for later on.

I realise lots of kids have mental health issues for other reasons - Covid didn't help - but there seems to be a "type" - am I wrong?

I don’t know. Anxiety is often genetic. Maybe rather than cause and effect, it’s more that the parents are anxious in the first place, parent by putting lots of parameters on their children’s behaviour because that’s what works for them?

I agree to a certain extent. My DD has a friend who was first allowed to walk home from school alone half way through Yr8. Her mother didn't think it was safe on the roads etc... but she was fine to go out with certain friends as they were "streetwise" (her Mothers words".

It didn't sem to occur to her the friends were more capable because they had been allowed to do it, so had learnt the road awareness etc.

The fear of what might happen if draconian rules are transgressed is one thing, but usually children thrive and feel secure when they have sensible boundaries and the freedom within them.

I'm not sure I agree. I have some friends who went for a real 'we don't have strict rules approach' and ended up with a very anxious child.
A fair few other parents who observed it agreed that the kid needed more boundaries, he was clearly getting stressed by too much power and too many choices being put into his little hands, rather than being told what to do a bit more.
I'd say it comes down to personalities on both sides (parent/s and child)

IMO it's the parents who expect the children to project the perfect image of family when out and about and in public so that mummy and daddy look good that seem the most anxious,

My parents had no rules and I was anxious about everything. I blame those videos at school about chip pan fires and walking on train lines.

I do think it’s a mixture. I have an anxious friend who has an anxious daughter. I assume there is some genetics at play but also she is very much of the “be careful”, “stranger danger”, grapes cut up for years, no sleepovers and during covid she had her undressing in the front porch, running upstairs for a shower and her clothes bagged up for weeks and weeks. I can’t help but feel that this anxious behaviour around the daughter has basically told her “the world is a scary and dangerous place” which has contributed towards her own anxiety.

So I think anxious parents try to create rules and boundaries because they’re anxious about their kids - whcih is understandable - but those rules give the message that there are a lot of things to be fearful about. None of us want bad things to happen to our children, but when we’re not anxious, I think maybe we’re better at evaluating risk? Not sure.

I do think children need boundaries though. I’m not anxious and neither are my children but I do tell them when they’ve been on screens too long, and we practiced the walk to school before they did it. We also ran through scenarios when they started going to school on the bus but in a lighthearted way. I think for children to have no boundaries might make them feel anxious too, like no one was bothered about them, or that they had to do too much too young.

There is being a overly cautious and neurotic but I would say it depends on the child they may have been anxious regardless

Only the parent know what is normal or not