Guilt and shame about full time nursery

[QuestioningEveryLittleThing]

Just been wondering whether I’m in the minority by sending my children to nursery full time. I had pretty bad PND with my firstborn and by the time I went back to work I was broken and didn’t feel like I could cope on my own with the baby anymore. So she went to nursery full time and has been ever since. She loves it, has lots of friends and is a very confident and headstrong little girl. She has time off for holidays and when she’s sick etc but I always feel guilty about the fact that I didn’t ever have an extra day at home with her each week, like most mothers seem to do. I‘m also currently off on maternity leave with our second born who is 5 months, and keep thinking to keep my daughter at home for a few days a week, but I feel so scared that I couldn’t cope with two on my own, the baby wouldn’t nap and it would all end in chaos & tears. Has anyone else had these fears along the way? Feeling pretty ashamed and unfit to be a mother at the moment if I’m too scared to look after both of my children on my own. Thanks in advance for your advice.

ps. Hubbie is around and very involved, also works full time.

I always ask myself - am I meeting my child’s needs? If the answer is yes, then keep on going as you are. You say your daughter is happy so there doesn’t seem to be a problem!

However, if it’s fear stopping you from having the two of them together then I think it would be worth trying it a bit more as you may find it more manageable that you expect which will help your confidence. But honestly, loads of kids are full time nursery for various reasons - please get rid of the guilt.

@QuestioningEveryLittleThing

i didn’t have an extra day at home with my son. I went back to work full time!

I feel like as Mums it’s bloody hard enough as it is, so if sending your DC to nursery full time helps and they enjoy it, then do it :) x

@Supergirl1958 thank you for this. How was your son with it all? Do you feel like you had a good connection? I worry sometimes that my girl has time and connection with nursery staff but I do try to pick up early & give her as much time at home each day as I can x

My son has been ok, he has additional needs though so it’s difficult to tell. He spent 3 days a week with a childminder and now 3 days a week at a PDN and either side of that he’s with grandparents. We do as much as we can with him, but we are also aware that we aren’t ourselves without giving ourselves some independence x

My DC both went to full time nursery from age 1. Having one parent home some days a week is a nice luxury if you can afford it and if you won't actually wind up doing the same amount of work as a full time employee in the the evenings while only being paid for four days. They both enjoyed it, both settled into reception with no problem, and eldest in particular is very good at making friends and getting on with almost everyone. It also meant that when we were with our kids, in the mornings and evenings and on the weekend, we were properly "with" them enjoying our time together and focussed on them.

(The house was always pretty untidy, though - you can't have everything!)

If you aren't sure about having your older child at home for a day a week, try picking one day - ideally when everyone is healthy and the sun is shining and you've had a decent night's sleep - and just keep him home and see how the day goes. That's much better than trying to work out if it's a good idea or not by pure imagining.

Don't feel guilty. If your daughter is happy and settled at nursery, then use this time to enjoy your new baby one-on-one. Having two little ones is tough and stressful, and if you have an alternative where your older child is happy and cared for, there is no shame in using it.

Both my kids (4 and 2) have gone to full time nursery since 10 months. They currently attend a forest nursery which they love and they have great teachers and friends. And in the evenings and on weekends we do fun things as a family. Everyone seems pretty satisfied with the current arrangement!

Every family is different and is doing their best under different circumstances. We know we are very fortunate to be able to afford full time nursery for two - in our social circle, the reason many mothers have gone down to 3 or 4 days of work per week isn't because that's what they wanted, but because they couldn't afford the extra days of childcare.

So don't compare yourself to what others are doing, or what others may think - if it works for your family, then it's the right decision.

Don't feel guilty at all, you need to do what's best for you. And why is it all on mothers? So unfair. I bet your husband doesn't feel guilty. She is happy at nursery, it will have so many benefits for her. my toddler does so many activities that I would never do with her at home.

Both of my kids went to full time nursery from 1. I didn't keep the older off when I was on mat leave with DC 2. It was definitely best for me and the kids. We have a great bond, they have an amazing bond, and they love nursery and I feel DC1 is really set up to start school in September.

I had time with DC1 during the day and then could focus more on DC2 when they came home from nursery, so they never felt jealous or pushed out.

I used holiday mat leave to take extra days off, but I found taking a day off each week quite stressful for work, ans that made me a worse mum.

May have to go part time, working shorter days, to manage school though!

She has lots of friends and is a very confident and headstrong little girl

doesn’t sound very damaged to me! Having a loving parent who is there for them and meets their needs is what children need to flourish. Having them at nursery doesn’t negate this, as you have evidence of!

And @Peonies12 makes a great point. If it’s very important to you as a family that your child spends an extra time at home why doesn’t your husband use some shared parental leave?

Please don’t feel guilty.
my DCs are teenagers now, both were in nursery full time from 10 months old due to work. I too felt guilty.
I want to say to you that this time will pass, this guilt you feel will go. My two and growing into incredible people whom I am so proud off.

The love you give them and the guidance in life are the most important things you will do for them. Being in childcare or not is not the deal breaker.

Here’s why I feel guilty:

1. my daughter went to nursery from one
2. my son didn’t go to nursery from one
3. my son was looked after by family
4. my daughter wasn’t looked after by family
5. my daughter still goes in the holidays
6. my son doesn’t go in the holidays

What I’m trying to say is that no matter what you do you will feel guilty! Also, mine are now 5 and 3 and I get scared having both of them together on my own and avoid it when I can. Please don’t give yourself a hard time, life is already hard. Do whatever you can to make it easier for yourself.

Thank you so much for your responses. This has definitely made me feel more reassured about the whole thing. I guess nursery is our village, as the whole village idea doesn’t really happen like it should in our culture. And good idea @SummerInSun to just pick a day when everyone is in a good place to trial it. I’ll give that a go in the next few weeks I think.
Thanks again to everyone for your compassion and support xx

You’ve got a wonderful sounding little girl and have organised everything so that your health and responsibilities are covered. Have no guilt at all, you’re a great mum. Congratulations on number two!