Grandparents- negative impact

[Notmyfield]

On my mind as just back from trip visiting PILs who don’t live in the same country as us. They’ve always been difficult but before our kids were born I’d say we had a fairly good relationship with them. The problems started after our first was born and we had to start putting up boundaries- all the standard stuff I’ve read loads of posts about here- wanting to visit whenever they wanted and stay until late, holding onto the baby when she needed fed, demanding we let them babysit when we weren’t ready to leave her, walking out the room with her away from us- odd, possessive behaviour. They took real exception to not being permitted to do whatever they wanted and mine and OH’s relationship with them has taken a real downturn since then.

Our relationship with them is pretty much non-existent. We visit and they visit so that they can have a relationship with their grandkids. The kids love their company at the moment- one is pre-school and the other primary school age. But. Our relationship with my FIL in particular is getting worse- after this visit, I’d go so far as to say he’s a bully. Not physically but mentally- he never misses an opportunity to get in a snide comment or to criticise- basically any chance he gets to make OH or I feel like shit, he’ll take it.

There’s now been a couple of times I’ve noticed him behaving negatively towards our eldest- playing favourites with the younger one, for instance. And now I’m starting to wonder- he has such an awful relationship with his son, is it not inevitable that at some point his relationship with his grandkids is going to turn as well? The idea of him making DD feel as shitty as he makes his son feel makes me angry and anxious.

Any advice? My OH would never not keep up contact with them, as much as the visits are painful. I’ve told him I’m worried about the impact his dad might have on the kids as they get older but he reckons as they get towards teenage age the kids will naturally lose interest in their grandparents anyway.

How did your kids’ relationship with their grandparents change as they got older- particularly if your own relationship with those grandparents isn’t great?

how often do you actually see them?

and anyone bullying my very young son…. well, i would be packing up my stuff and we’d be off

and he puts down you and your OH so your children probably think it’s normal

it is truly baffling you make any effort with them tbh

i wouldn’t want a man like this within a 5 mile radius of my children

I'm worried about the impact his dad might have on the kids as they get older but he reckons as they get towards teenage age the kids will naturally lose interest in their grandparents anyway.

So that gives Grandad - what - 10 years to exert his poisonous negative influence on impressionable kids. Sometimes it takes only one comment to really cut deep and be taken to heart. No fucking way would I let that happen.

We only see them a handful of times a year so the influence is limited. But it's there. This is exactly what worries me.

All it takes is one comment about ugly, stupid, fat, thin, shy, being the favourite, not being the favourite, and that's enough when it is coming from a much-loved grandparent who you are supposed to trust implicitly, and believe everything they say.

If your grandparent told you that you weren't as pretty as your sister, would you have remembered that? Course you would, especially if you happened to also notice that maybe your sister might be their favourite. Kids are incredibly hot on fairness, and will spot favouritism a mile off.

Do they speak the same language as you, so you can be very clear and sure that they’ve understood? Because any snide/shitty comments should be called out immediately, no hesitation, no favourites comments, no nastiness.

Having been in a similar situation I agree with this post. Although we cut down contact considerably between my DD and my awful MIL we should have stopped it completely and we didn't. That's on my husband and I as parents and we both regret it. DD in her early 20s cut my MIL off anyway due to her poison and lies.

Did you at any point call out any of the unacceptable comments or behaviour from your FIL towards your dc?

I ask this because that's where I'd start. I'd spell it out, to both of them, and DH, clearly and firmly. And give FIL one chance to pack it in. And recognise spending time with his grandchildren as the privilege it is, and they deserve to be treated with love and respect. And I'd expect DH to support me on this. If he can't, he can start visiting his parents on his own without inflicting their toxicity on you and your dc.

Thanks all. It's good to have an outside perspective on this. I don't know why it's continued this long. I think partly because we did have a decent relationship with them before the kids, it's taken a while for me at least to properly realise that this isn't just a blip, this is just how they are, and the pattern of how they are with my OH is just going to continue and repeat itself if we allow it. It's insane to think our kids are somehow going to have a balanced, positive relationship with them when they're complete dickheads to us.