I was a chubby, unfit, socially anxious and incredibly self conscious teenager and the only exercise I ever did was in PE. The PE teacher hated me and would always make an example out of me.
In my 20s I lost stones in weight from dieting alone. In my 30s I was constantly pregnant or breastfeeding, but managed to lose most of the baby weight from 3 pregnancies through diet alone.
Now I'm 41, am finished having babies and while I'm not overweight, at around 60kg/5 foot 4, I am pure flab. Everywhere wobbles, you can grab a handful of fat anywhere on my body and I actually feel the fat around my thighs weighing me down like I'm wearing some kind of prosthetic.
I've had a bad year with a combination of suspected long covid, stress and the start of perimenopause. I've found that when I eat more calories that I usually eat to stay slim, I feel better. My physical health has vastly improved since I started eating whatever I want, but obviously this has led to weight gain.
I want to tone up, be healthy and strong and keep my weight down. The problem is I absolutely despise exercise and I feel like it goes beyond not enjoying pushing myself. Once I get to that point where I feel prickly and sweaty, I start to experience a sense of rage and nausea. I do think it's linked to my former experiences with PE.
My husband says that I should start going for walks and add ankle weights, and incorporate doing some small exercises within my existing routine. So, this morning, I did 3x 20 reps of squats while I moisturised and put my foundation on. I started getting that prickly, sweaty feeling and some kind of switch in my brain flicked and I felt so angry and like I wanted to scream. I had a shower and felt better afterwards.
I can't do anything that involves running or jumping due to some childbirth related pelvic issues. I'm so unco-ordinated that I have cried after exercises classes with shame. I've tried yoga and pilates and for various reasons, that didn't work either. I hate things that are floor based due to having an allergy brought on by carpets growing up too (I sound so pathetic!!!)
I can't describe how much I hate exercise but I want to be healthy. I don't eat much processed food, I don't smoke or drink alcohol, I drink tonnes of water, and I want to incorporate strengthening activities into my life next. I feel so despondent and bleak about how to move past this. I'm a very slow, low energy person and it just feels so counter-'me'.
Help!