MIL isn’t able to go anywhere without creepy partner

[Bararararara]

MIL has been with her partner for 10 years. My husband says she was completely different before she met him. He’s cut her off from the world basically. She doesn’t have any friends, job, hobbies etc anymore and he doesn’t either. She stays 5 miles from our house but only sees our kids (3 & 7) once every month or two - she does want to see them I think but seems to be held back by him. He’s the laziest person I’ve ever came across. She isn’t even able to go to like a corner shop herself, they go EVERYWHERE together. She doesn’t have a working phone, it seems to only work on WiFi in their house and is rarely turned on. Anytime my husband questions why he can’t get a hold of her she says there’s no money in it.

They came to visit last weekend and he tags along as always. He doesn’t ever look near the kids or contribute anything to the conversation. I find him so creepy and would never leave the kids alone with him due to this controlling behaviour. He sat watching videos on his phone the whole time at our house. Which is extremely rude but obviously means he has plenty of money in his phone! She can’t see past him at all and thinks he’s great. How can we get him to stop coming to our house and try to get her to see this isn’t normal behaviour?

She’s not leaving him at home when she sees you all either because she wants it that way or to some extent is being coerced.

If the latter, forcing the issue in some way might make things difficult or even dangerous for her. If she is afraid to stand up to him or leave him there isn’t much you can do but reassure her that she will always have your support.

But if you can afford to, get her a pay as you go phone that you can keep in credit online. That way he will have no control of who she can call. Say it’s so your children can keep in touch if needs be

Definitely sounds like she's in an abusive relationship and he's obviously very controlling. Being coerced is a form of abuse and it sounds like that's what's happening. But unfortunately, people who are in abusive relationships don't often accept that and think their partner is great (I've been there). I think your husband should talk to her and see what her reaction is to this, if she denies what's going on then your going to really struggle to get through to her. I would then get advice from a charity like Woman's Aid.

Switch your WiFi off next visit. No gaming for him. Rude fucker...

I'd be inclined to get a contract on a phone and give it to her so there is never any excuse to be unavailable. That is something her partner can't control.
I'd also start doing things like saying 'we have one extra ticket to xxxxx, the kids have specifi asked if you can come as they love spending time with you'. That way he can't invite himself, especially if you collect her and drop her home, you can use the excuse there is not enough room. In the car.

Slip a note/secret phone in her bag next time she visits? Does he check her bag? Can she still get to the doctor alone?

How old is she? Does your DH have siblings?

It looks like you can't stop him coming to the house if he goes everywhere with her. As others have said, I'd get her a cheap smartphone. You can get a SIM deal with unlimited texts and calls for £5.

I assume you/DH can talk to her in different parts of your house/garden when they visit you? Get her aside and ask her if she'd like you to get her a phone that you can top up/a cheap contract one so that you can get hold of her/vice versa/the kids can etc. Look at her reaction. Does she look towards him? What does she seem like?
I agree that inviting her along as a spare ticket is a good idea and checking she can access doctors herself too. Maybe leaving an article or book on coercive control lying around so she can see sone highlighted passages...
I imagine you will have tried things not in your OP which is why you are asking on mn.
I hope she is okay.

The least issue I'd have is how your MIL is being coerced and controlled. I'd try helping her in the ways others have suggested. My focus would be on keeping an eye on/limiting as far as humanly possible his interaction with my children. He sounds a weirdo and as you don't know him too well I'd be avoiding situations he can be around them until you feel confident he is no risk at all. I'd also be careful what (if any) pictures and videos you send her of your dc as if sounds like he probably accesses w everything.

If it was my mum I'd be going tound to hers all the time , if he asks to take her out just her and him for afternoon tea or something surely it would be hard for him to refuse or ask to come. I'd also be popping in after work just for a cuppa . Then at least if there was regular contact he can judge if she is happy and give her chances to talk on her own if she wants to. He needs to be there for her and then she knows that if she wants to be on her own he will be there. He could also offer to get her a phone, say it is a free offer on his contract or something then can send pics of kids etc

We had exactly the same problem; MIL partner then began sending our 19 yr old daughter ( who has learning disabilities) messages about his penis . MIL maintains it was a joke . She and he no longer have contact with any of our kids or us . Trust that instinct . My MIL has lost her 6 grandkids over this .

@Tiredmumof6 😯 omg, how scary! That’s terrible. I feel like if we really pushed on the issue she would do the same thing as she’s completely blinded by him

@Quitelikeacatslife if she was my mum I’d be doing the same but she hasn’t had much involvement with my husband other than the odd visit for years before he met me and I’m already struggling to fit in doing the bare minimum I need to do in a day, plus always having the kids with me so can’t really go popping in there all the time and just trying to keep him as far away from the kids as I can 🤦🏻‍♀️ without ever highlighting to her why!

Early 60s, no siblings. Her partner has two kids but (shock horror) the kids want nothing to do with him

Unfortunately, there is very little that you can do. My Aunt's husband is horrible, he's a bully, who controls her every move. However, the time my Dad criticised him, she defended him and got annoyed, so my Dad had no choice but to back off. I suspect if your husband approaches his Mum regarding her partner's behaviour, she will react in the same way. By all means try to see if she'll accept a phone, but there's little you can do, if she won't. Could your husband not visit her? Or does she not allow that? My Aunt has been with her husband for 50 plus years, and he's eroded every drop of self-esteem and self-confidence she has, and I don't see her ever leaving him. We have to bite our tongue, and tolerate him, for her sake. We make the wrong move, and he'll stop her from seeing her family.

I would send a message via anyway that he won't have access to?? What about email? Does he work and leave her behind? Catch her alone...if ur really worried about her wellbeing then get a friend in a car he doesn't know, to take u there and u can check out what's happening in their home unannounced, secretly look through a window, I know this sounds abit much but if I was worried enough for someone I loved, I would do this and I have a dear friend in this situation and I waited til he went to work, knowing she's at home all day and then knocked. My gut feeling was right and she's in an abusive and violent nightmare. I get these strong gut feelings, it's normally always spot on if u sense it, then ur instincts are rarely wrong, unless suffering from paranoia or a mental health condition effecting your logic and perceptions. I studied Phycology and I'm good at this sort of thing. Has she ever been overly complementary about him, like as if it's to cover up or convince u he's a good man? Has she ever made excuses for things uve challenged about their relationship? Has she lost site or reality to the point u dont recognise her and its odd that she cant see wat ur saying, cuz the old her would have sed the same as u? Thats a start, just a sample of how to confirm abusive relationships with loved ones. There's more but I'm sure you get my point. I hope this helps x

She is completely isolated? She doesnt have a phone? He's lazy (and expects her to do it all probably)? Won't let her go anywhere alone?

Red flags galore. Sounds like my narcissistic, controlling and abusive ex. Personally I wouldn't let him around your kids. Depending on their age they probably don't understand his personality. Chances are this guy verbally and emotionally (and maybe physically) beats her down over the years after courting her. That's what they do..they get you to care for them and they start chipping away at you piece by piece so they can gain more control. Unfortunately leaving them is not as easy as it sounds. Because they often threaten you if you try to leave. Threaten you if they start to feel like they lose control and raise the bar each time it happens.

And all I have to say is you need to set hard and strict boundaries. She wants to come visit, that's great but he needs to stay home. It's your house, your rules, and someone like that needs to know it. My.mom is a narcissist (like my ex)as well and you just really have to lay down the law, not only for yourself but for your children.

As for your mom, I wouldn't count on that card unless he does something to her that makes it click that she needs to get away from him.

I think/assume the PP means your DH should be popping in to see his mum, take her (alone) out for lunch/coffee, spending time with her so MIL has the opportunity to confide in your DH if she needs to offload to feel less isolated.

Sadly, if you rubbish him to her, or say yoy don’t want him coming to your home, it will achieve the opposite of what you want. She will stop visiting, and might withdraw from you totally. Best thing to do is to keep a very close eye on her, engage with her, tentatively invite her to go out for a coffee maybe with you and the children (whilst he’s there so you can see his reaction when you ask her - you’ll get an idea of whether he is being coercive by how they both react to your question.)

I bet he's like a cross between Gerald off the malteeser advert and Tom off Emmerdale. Sounds really grim 😬😬😬😬😬

If I was your husband, I would honestly physically remove this man out of her life, take her belongings, move her, move him, whatever.

Can you get MIL out of the home into a women only type space - say you have a pair of women only type spa day tickets? Or you want someone to go with to Pilates/yoga And use that opportunity to see how she really is/what she thinks of the situation.

Well I did mean for your DH to do it not you.

So would I 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m away to Google them 😂