How to raise ds to be a good man alone

[Newlysinglemum1]

I've recently become a single mother and my stbxh is unlikely to be in ds life unless through very supervised contact due to risks he poses to children.

What advice would you give me in how I raise DS to be a "good" man and help him navigate understanding his dad being predatory.

I'm taking good to mean respectful, confident, independent, kind and well adjusted and able to have happy healthy relationships.

Right now in light of all I've found out about his dad it's feeling like a mammoth task to take on alone and I'm worried about the lack of positive male role models he might experience. All advice welcome.

Predatory?! In what way is his dad a predator?

I think the way you have phrased this is a bit off. The exclamation mark makes it read as if you don't believe the OP, tho you may not realise that.

In the sense he's a risk to children and will not be seeing ds unsupervised. I don't really want to get into it to be honest as it's extremely upsetting but I'm sure you can imagine.

I have raised my ds mostly alone and surrounded by lots of female role models (including his sister!)
He is now 20 and an absolute gem. Kind, respectful and a really sweet partner to his long term gf.
He's always had plenty of male friends and I've never felt that having a largely absent Dad impacted him negatively.

I always just focused on raising him to be a respectful and good person and I think being around lots of women has been the making of him in some ways?

That's the thing with the internet, people interpret what you write in many different ways.

At the moment they have no contact at all but that might change in the future depending on how SS assess risk as ds grows but I'm worried how I support him to grow as a man when he is also going to grow up knowing that his dad has done something awful. I want to be as prepared as I can to help him process that as he gets bigger.

Thank you that's very reassuring to hear.

Sounds awful. I'm glad he's not going to see him alone. These Family Courts drive me mad.

Accept him for himself and let him develop interests and hobbies. Make sure he has male relatives that provide good role models. Encourage reading and great male characters from books and films. Teach him the value of kindness and thoughtfulness.

Find good male role models for him. At some point he will want to know about his father and he might worry that he will be like his father. Be alert to that because he might need counselling

The worrying he's like his father is exactly what I worry about to be honest. I know it's likely to some extent but I just want to do what I can to offset that in any way possible to make it easier for him.

I think the fact that you’re asking means that you don’t really need to ask. Just be yourself.

My ds’s have a great dad but also had a few excellent teachers and football coaches who were really great role models.

My DS is 7 and I left his dad when he was 8 months old. No contact as he was convicted of attacking me in court and ordered no contact or communication with me or DC

I was going to write a massive paragraph about all the things I've done with DS but honestly, the main thing you could of done to stop him being like his dad is make sure he isnt around that sort of behaviour and doesnt grow up thinking its normal and you've already removed him from the situation 🙌🙌 he will be fine x

Hi OP. One of my best friends raised her son alone. His dad was an arse to her and finally left when he was a year old. She said that was when he finally stopped crying constantly- he was picking up on his mu being upset all the time.
She brought him up with simple common sense and good morals. To work hard, to save up when you want something, to respect everyone, to show up when you say you will and to be kind.
He is now 24, a qualified teacher, living independently in a rented flat, has friends and hobbies. She did really well and so will you 😘😘

Is your dad still around? A grandad can stand in as a good fatherly figure if ds dad not present. As long as you love DS and teach him to respect people and be kind and thoughtful you won’t go wrong. The fact you’re even asking this makes me think you son is in good hands. Good luck

This is a huge worry of mine too. My nasty ex has contact and it's like he undermines everything I try to teach my children. Although I will say they can see he's a dick more and more as the years go on. I'm not sure positive role models is the thing to focus on. Yes they are great if you can find them but often 'positive' male role models still falls short in my opinion as the bar for men is so low. I point out sex inequality to my kids, we can't watch a film without me making a comment. I talk about how women don't have to look beautiful to be valuable. I comment that I do t see why that man is being praised for wha mums do every day. I dont hide this shit from them. But I then have a follow up theme of conversation to my dd that she will know better and not be hoodwinked like so many women today and that all my comments on the inequality between men and women is based on how things are now that lots of women are aware of the problem and lots of us are raising our children to do better so when she's an adult she hopefully won't face the same problems women of the past have. And I say to my ds that he will grow up and understand and he won't treat women how often they are treated now. I tell him i can't wait to see what he does with his life and I will be so proud of him if he treats others well.

I then give him as many chores and my dd and reward him. When the kids don't do their chores and I have to I will comment how it's unfortunate we can't do the nice activity together now because I have to do chores. He's still a bit young but I plan to tell him that women exhausted from housework and childcare are going to be less favourable to a partner who isn't pulling his weight and if he wants to make a partner happy then do the housework etc. I particularly praise him for doing anything housework related without me asking. Then follow it up with how I'm praising him because he's tuning out to be so awesome but actually when we are grown up no one says well done for housework. (He will occasionally say thank you for my clean clothes mummy or thank you for doing the shopping bin so fucking proud of him!!)

I think you basically have to tell them straight what a good man is like and expect these behaviours from them as children so it's natural when they are grown. You have to walk the fine line because you don't want them to be ashamed of being male which is why I always say your generation will hopefully be different. It's also part of conversations that being male doesn't excuse or cause people to be bad people so ds knows he's not doomed.

I also regularly make comments that I'm cooking/cleaning/etc etc because I'm the only parent and only grown up not because I'm a woman.

Right now I think my boy is turning out brilliantly. I just hope he never thinks hang on if I act like my dad it's much easier for me than mums way

He’s a different person so don’t project onto him; sorry am in a rush so don’t mean to be abrupt. What I’m saying is that at some point he’ll worry that he’s going to be like his father. Both of you need to be clear that he’s his own person

Keep an eye out for positive male role models and make sure he has regular contact with them. Good teachers, Scout leaders, Church leaders, spots coaches, part-time job bosses, friends' dads or partners of your friends.

When you see them modelling good behaviour - eg a sports coach who helps them overcome disappointment at losing or not being picked for a team in a compassionate wise way without getting angry, or a teacher who encourages him to try again after failing - mention it. Just notice that these are good, calm, kind men like he will be when is grown up.

If there are good men in your family, make sure he spends time with them too.