Tips for dealing with a sulking teen

[Binfire]

Hi all

My 14 year old daughter is a serial sulker and I’m wondering what the best way to respond is?

Before hitting her teens she was a quiet, easy-going child who struggled to verbalise her emotions and unfortunately she is still struggling with that and her default setting when she doesn’t like something has become to sulk rather than communicate.

I’m worried that by showing concern and trying to get her to talk to me about what’s upset her is making it worse and feel she probably shouldn’t get attention for sulking but it would feel really unfair to ignore or dismiss it. She’s a teenager not a toddler! How do I best deal with this please? 🙏

Thanks!

Please leave her to it and ignore. It will pass.

an occasional are yiu ok’? Is fine but don’t harass

Are there particular things which set off a sulk? Meals? Request to do chores? Hygiene?

Mine have road tested things like sulking and silent treatment, just keeping agreeable and acting slightly baffled about the weird behaviour until they realise it's not getting what they want seems to work best.

Unfortunately, they can be a bit toddler like (but with adult sized problems!) - but some of the techniques can still hold true like redirecting with humour.

Are there any changes driving the behaviour? Changes in routine or different people in the house? Could it be the attention they want? If so, give them attention before they resort to a sulk - any activity which is positive 1:1.

Would she respond better to a text message ? I know that’s weird when you live together but not having to do it face to face might help her open up more.

Hmm tricky.

i was a “sulker”. It was fucking awful - as you say, it’s an inability to verbalise feelings and it’s great you recognise that.

i was always shouted at. The old “cheer up or I’ll give you something to be miserable about” line. I couldn’t help it, I was sad, frustrated and unhappy, and didn’t know how to deal with it. They’d discuss it and say oh she’s sulking again, I hate sulkers, and make me feel absolutely worthless.

like you say it is really hard. You can just wait for them to come out of it, but then they don’t learn how to talk about feelings, and they also feel that their sadness is unacknowledged and no one cares.

for me, I probably needed counselling to help me articulate. Someone independent where I could say out loud what was wrong and not get into trouble for feeling how I did. Which was another overwhelming issue and why I stayed quiet, people would minimise my issues- probably in an attempt to make me feel better.

i wouldn’t worry about the “getting attention” aspect. This may be her way of telling you she needs attention so give it to her.

I actually love this advice, especially the 'acting slightly baffled' part. I am definitely going to bear this in mind with my non-communicative teen.

No particular changes within the household or anything beyond the usual family stresses and strains.

I’m aware that she sometimes uses sulking to get her own way, particularly with her younger brother eg on holiday we were given a bag of free goodies (stickers/puzzles) and she sulked until her 9yr old brother let her have them. I’m more inclined to ignore this kind of behaviour because it is toddler-like and for a silly reason.

However I was more concerned yesterday when she sulked instead of engaging in a proper discussion with me about something quite important. She’s been getting tension headaches and the doctor has told her that it’s important to get enough sleep, so I suggested we try an earlier bedtime with reading a book before going to sleep instead of late night Netflix marathons downstairs and she cried and then sulked for hours. I was trying to open up a conversation about it and find a solution between us but she was completely unable to engage in the conversation or voice her own views at all. I know how important it is (particularly for girls) to be able to advocate for themselves and if she can’t even do that at home with me, how the heck is she going to be able to do that out in the real world? It’s worrying!

This, just give her space

Exactly this. It will pass. Try re-labelling so you don’t use the word sulking.

My 15yo ds ‘sulks’ when he’s struggling. Dh and I find it hard. Neither dh or I are sulkers, it’s really alien behaviour and it’s hard for us not to get annoyed.

But we just don’t react, and it passes. Behaviour is always communication. Ds was ‘sulking’ for a few days recently. We gave him space, didn’t interrogate. He turned up on my bed after a few days sobbing his heart out. He’d had a bad mock result in English and was just feeling really low about school in general. I was so pleased he could open up to me.

Re label it not sulking.🤣

I can't stand sulking and if a Mumsnetter says their partner is a sulker it's apparent that most Mumsnetters can't stand sulkers either. I would make sure that she understands that a lot of people think people who sulk are being emotionally manipulative and potentially abusive. She may not realize this. Make sure she knows she can be upset and sad about things but that sulking is not ok.

Yep. Just that. No laughing face emoji needed.

My 15yo ds is down, withdraws. It looks like sulking cause he’s engaging with us minimally. But he’s not manipulating us, he’s not controlling us. He’s a teen with a whole lot of stuff going on, hormones etc. Trying to force him to chat about it - labelling it as sulking would be crappy parenting. He has ups and downs. That’s life. He’s a really good kid. Today he was withdrawn while we were watching Olympics. Got up to go and shoot some basketball. I gave him a hug, said it seems he’s feeling a bit low, let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. He’ll be ok in a couple of days. He’s probably feeling better now. But, yes, from the outside, his behaviour could look like sulking. Some people would call it sulking. But it isn’t.

I know sulkers. I hate sulking. One of my DD’s closest friends was a sulker - it was awful. I knew the family for years and dad did it with mum loads. My boyf when I was a teen was a sulker, withdrawing communication to punish.

But that’s not what’s going on with the OP’s dd. So it’s not sulking. It’s really important to distinguish between the two. Hence I suggested re-labelling and not using the word sulking.

HTH

@Binfire Good luck moving forward. Parenting teens is hard.

I would strongly advise you don’t follow @Gloooooop ‘s advice and suggest her behaviour is abusive.

Please don’t label it as abusive or manipulative. Or act “slightly baffled”. The child is upset, what’s baffling about that?

please take it seriously- there is something wrong and your child is upset. It may be hard to figure out the best approach but dismissing or being negative you won’t ever find out if there’s something really wrong, and your child will learn you aren’t interested.

i actually had ptsd from a traumatic life event. But I was just “a sulker”. Yes I knew my mum hated sulkers etc etc but I couldn’t verbalise my feelings, they were just way too big.

never did get it addressed and still suffer 40 years later.

I think there is a clear distinction between classic manipulative silent treatment/sulking as a juvenile way of coercing someone, and someone shutting down or withdrawing due to overwhelm.

I know my teens have done both, but the overwhelm is far more common - I can tell the difference with the way their body is held, and general small gestures.

Baffled good humour doesn't work with overwhelm, and they get overwhelmed ALOT - so I give space, no questions asked, FEED THEM AND HYDRATE THEM, give time to decompress, then start gently doing a side by side activity with just general chit chat (still no probing) then at the end I just say I noticed you've had a tough day love and i hope tomorrow's better. I know just when they go to bed it all comes churning out, so I just say I can just listen, I don't try solving and just say I'm glad they talked about it.

Fair enough, it would be a bit harsh wouldn't it but I would encourage the daughter to think about how her behaviour might be perceived by other people. You don't want her to think it's an ok way to behave and for her to go on and behave like that with friends or partners.

Posters on Mumsnet often say that men who sulk ARE being abusive.

I might be biased though as I can't abide people that sulk. It's really pathetic and nasty behaviour.

I sympathise with sulkers and it's not a word I like. If i am upset I become very quiet and take a lot of time to process. Others cry, scream, bang doors, start arguments without any care about how it affects anyone, but if I sneak off to my room for quiet time I can't see how it is problematic. I was the same as a teen, I remember really tensing up at footsteps approaching, praying and wishing they wouldn't come knocking making me talk to them. Or someone making it about themselves - are you mad at me, what did i do, are you trying to punish me etc. Why is taking some quiet time so awful? If someone is intentionally not answering feigning deafness or being difficult in a childish way that's one thing, but if she just wants to be left alone I'd let her be.