Help - overweight DS

[MessyNDepressy]

I’m looking for help/advice with my 12 year old DS. He has never been a skinny child but he started to gain more weight after starting high school and having more freedom and he’s now slightly overweight. He is around 5ft 6 (maybe slightly taller) and is just over 60kg which puts him at the 91st centile on the NHS website. I don’t particularly care about the figures etc but I can tell it’s starting to get to him.

You wouldn’t think it looking at him with good fitting clothes on but he carries weight around his torso - he’s got a bit of a belly, some rolls and if I’m being honest, moobs 😞. Obviously in PE at school they have to change and I know he’s been getting a bit of abuse for it which breaks my heart. He doesn’t want to go back to school after the holidays and I know this is a big part of why. His legs/arms/face are absolutely fine and he’s actually pretty fit. He plays sports 4-5 times a week and is fitter than at least half of the skinnier boys on his team. He also goes to the gym a couple of times a week (just recently started) and is pretty strong.

Normally breakfast is a couple of boiled eggs with a bagel and apple juice or tea (no sugar, green milk), a bowl of Cheerios (a massive bowl tbf) or three weetabix. Lunch at the moment is generally two ham and cheese wraps (wholemeal), baked potato and cheese or leftover pasta dishes with a yoghurt and some fruit/veg (cucumber/tomatoes etc). Dinner is usually some kind of pasta dish served with a side salad, maybe pizza once a week, sometimes chicken dippers/waffles/veg for a quick meal. Snacks are fruit (favorites are currently blueberries and watermelon, yoghurts (Aldi split pots), digestive biscuits, croissants/pan au chocolate, oat biscuits - not all in the one day obviously, spread over the week. He does have maybe a muffin or a cake or something a few times a week and sometimes he will have a Greggs or a McDonalds, maybe once a fortnight. School lunches are hard as he goes out and buys his own - I think it’s generally salt and chilli chips or noodles or something pretty unhealthy. He doesn’t really like fizzy juice and drinks a lot of water. He stays with his dad a few times a week and I’m not able to discuss what he eats there. Also goes away every few months for the weekend with family where I know he eats a tonne of crap (like 2.5 tubs of Ben and Jerries this weekend) but it’s not a regular thing.

Can anyone give any advice on if I’m doing anything wrong or could do better? I’m not a great cook, I hate cooking but I will take any advice on board although I don’t want to restrict him as he always seems to be hungry as it is. Or has anyone else’s son been a bit like this and it’s changed naturally? He’s not really hit puberty yet other than a few hairs on his legs and armpits. I am 5 foot 8 and most of the males across both sides of the family are over 6 foot tall - is he likely to just lose it if he takes a stretch? I’ve always been naturally skinny so I don’t understand what he’s going through but my heart breaks for him. He’s such a lovely kid and I know how cruel other kids can be. Wish I could just click my fingers and make it better for him.

are those meals in one sitting or options he has over the week? Is he having eggs bagel, 3 weetabix in one sitting? And the same with two wraps and a bake potato? If it’s all at the same time, I think reducing lunch and breakfast would help.

Hi no sorry, those are all separate meals, he’ll either have eggs and a bagel OR cheerios OR weetabix, same do lunch/dinner. Sorry I should have been a bit clearer.

Try to eliminate or reduce the Cheerios, flavoured yoghurts, ham, chicken dippers and biscuits. Up the protein and veg.

Bless him, if he's never been a skinny child, he's been overfed/fed the wrong things all his life, therefore this could take some time to sort out.

There's an awful lot of rubbish in that list and that won't be helping.

Have a good look around some healthy eating websites, and make a new food plan.

I think the most obvious things to ditch are the high sugar cereal, snacks (except fruit) and the takeaways.

You say some days he has leftovers for lunch, does he have a full dinner on those days too?

It’s really easy for the calories to add up and you’re right to try and get a grip on it now because kids can be brutal! Weight gain/loss is 80% diet, so even if he exercises he will gain weight if his diet is not right.

Whats rubbish is some kids could eat the same and be stick thin. All down to metabolism. Get rid of the sugar cereals, pain au chocolats.

9 and a half stone for 5 foot 6 doesnt sound bad though.

swap pasta for veggies and protein

This happened to my ds and he lost the weight once he started rejecting food if he wasn’t hungry and making better choices when he was.
If your ds decides that he wants to lose weight and stops the 2.5 tubs of Ben and Jerry’s etc then he’ll find that the weight will quickly drop. Getting to that point sometimes takes time.
Your home diet sounds pretty good but I would drop things like the cheerios which won’t fill him up and still be high calorie. Look at the box and weigh out what a portion looks like - it’s teeny tiny. The same goes for the pain au chocolat etc, there are more filling foods for less calories.

Is he buying stuff at school/on the way home etc to eat?
Check portion sizes.

If he's a got a big build, can you get him.a PT at the gym and work on tone/muscles? Does he like swimming?

The dinners sound quite carb heavy, can you have protein and veg as the main part with a small portion of rice or pasta (rather than pasta being the main part of the dish)? He will be fuller too.

All of this could change as puberty hits. He may get substantially leaner. I wouldn't make a big deal of this but as it's bothering him just encourage more nutritious choices. He may be snacking as he isn't getting enough from his current diet, especially protein.

Also don't just feed him like a baby bird get him involved. Get recipe books out of the library and get him to choose what he wants to try, get his input in meal planning.

If you can, maybe a visit to a dietician. Sometimes another person giving the advice is very effective and you could approach it from an optimal performance at sports not weight loss angle.

My DS was very porky in year 6 and 7 but he took up running off his own back and watched what he ate and it resolved itself. They still have a lot of growing to do at this age and I think when my DS suddenly shot up the weight would have fallen off anyway.

80% diet / 20% exercise so even though he's pretty fit and doing a lot his diet is the cause of being overweight. It's hard because kids are brutal as a PP said.

Cheerios are full of sugar and don't fill you up. I'd swap the bagel for wholewheat toast but the eggs are good.

Lunch if it's jacket potato and cheese for example is carb and fat heavy, same for dinner if he has pasta often. He needs more protein and vegetables.

Also need to cut the digestive biscuits (they're 84 calories each if I remember rightly so if you eat 4 (easily done I find!) that's nearly 350 calories which is probably the same as the wholewheat toast and eggs), pain au chocolat (full of butter and sugar) etc.

Kudos to both of you for being aware and looking at improving. It's hard. And again as a PP said some kids could eat all of that and be fine. Unfortunately your son can't and you've only got some days you can influence, but hopefully if you can support healthy eating habits then he might carry them to his Dad's.

Good luck to you both x

I think for children with big appetites, it can be very easy to accidentally get it wrong because the proportions are off.

So, for example, most of ds's friends will eat average sized portions of pasta so even if it's a bit carb heavy, it's OK because overall calories are right. For ds, who has a huge appetite, I can't serve pasta more than once or twice a week and when I do, I make a huge effort to make sure the sauce is chunky and filled with lots of different ingredients so that it's still filling as otherwise he will eat even more. The rest of the time we eat a lot of vegetables, with a standard portion of carbs and protein alongside. Salmon with a big pile of stir fried veg and some rice/noodles or pork mince cooked with piles of veg and served with noodles. Or curry with chicken/lamb and veg and rice. Or chicken with lots of steamed veg and new potatoes. You get the idea.

The exercise can also be misleading. I think sometimes we focus on the fact they are playing football 4x a week and are fit, and not enough on overall movement levels. Are they out riding their bikes to friends' houses, just hanging out randomly shooting hoops in the park, spending an hour or more in the pool at the gym? There is no doubt that while both my dc take part in formal.sport actively, it was when ds started doing more spontaneously that the weight really started falling off. Dd is similar - when we are out and about and busy a lot she shrinks down a bit (ds weight is fine but was a problem when younger and dd is hovering around being overweight albeit there are some minor health things that make this more complicated).

Obviously yes also yo reducing croissants etc as snacks. I encourage mine to have fruit or a piece of toast with peanut butter. Or that's when they have cereal - rather than a massive bowl at breakfast, a small/medium bowl as a snack works and breakfast is home made and has much more protein.

We also often do waffles in the morning - almost no sugar in our recipe - and when we do I make extra and ds has those as snacks later in the day.

Would he take a packed lunch? Sporty boys need a lot of protein- ask me, I know- and his diet seems a bit carb and sugar heavy. Greek yoghurt, fish, chicken, lentils, pulses.... can you introduce these?

Some of these comments are madness, about calories etc. he’s a child!!

he is 12; so many eating disorders start for young people because of terrible diet culture.

I do understand your post, but please however you help him research the best ways to do this. I personally have a terrible relationship with food/weight which therapy has determined starting from my parents obsessing how many calories I ate at 11 years old.

Also; my nephew always looks as if he’s putting on some excess weight, then all of a sudden has a growth spurt and evens out.

I don't think cutting down on the sugar and excessive UPFs will give this child an eating disorder.

My son is like this though he’s younger. I am having to really change habits. It is difficult as he is ND and gets a big high from food. We’ve talked about eating nutritious foods that make you healthy and strong.

ditch the grains, no cereal, no flour, no sugar (fruit juice). get him to eat more protein.

That diet is poor. You’ve already had lots of good advice on this thread - make sure he has less sugar, less carbohydrate, more protein, more vegetables.

You need to discuss this with him and give him the knowledge to address it himself. At his age you can’t control his diet entirely, especially as he buys his own food at lunch and sometimes stays with other family. So have the conversation about what he’s eating, and how that has to change if he wants to be healthy. Ultimately he has to make the connection himself.

This is also a great opportunity to try out some new recipes together. You say you’re not a good cook, but he’s old enough that you can both practice some new recipes and serve them to each other. Look up some healthy, protein and vegetable-rich recipes and maybe make it a mission to learn three new recipes each. Get him to buy the ingredients too and learn his way around a supermarket.

As a PP said, also think about overall movement levels. Yes he plays some sport and goes to the gym, but what about normal day to day life? Does he walk/cycle to school? Are evenings active or is he sitting at home? Think about how to increase movement in daily life.

I strongly recommend reading ultra processed people by Chris Van Tulken. Since reading it I have totally overhauled my family's diet. There has been a big improvement in appetite, mood, sleep and behaviour. I have 2 boys. From what you have written there is a lot of UPF in his diet. This will be meaning his appetite is increased, his gut microbiome will have been affected which impacts mood and immune system. Try to focus on filling him up more on whole foods and less refined carbs. I.e porridge with peanut butter and fruit or omlette for breakfast, cut the apple juice out its pure sugar and it will cause a huge blood sugar crash and spike. Crosta mollica wraps are non upf, load up with salad, falafels and houmous or eggs, jacket potatoes and fillings are good lunches, and dinner could be meat/fish and veg, homemade curries, chilli etc. Eat earlier in the evening and avoid snacking if possible. It is a shift and does cost more Im not going to lie. You can learn to make his favourite or source non upf or reduced upf options. Also encourage activity. Doesn't matter what.

I agree with this post. My son (soon turning 14) put quite some weight around Covid lockdowns as he always loved his food and wasn't burning enough. Even at a young age he was always defensive about his weight. I had to repeatedly dissuade my husband from discussing our son's weight with him as our son was getting upset about it. I focused instead on how important is to look after our bodies and everything is good in moderation. For 2 years I thought I was getting nowhere with my preaching on sensible habits. My son was still getting hold of junk food (in exchange for doing other children's homework - he is quite clever). Suddenly, a few months ago, the penny dropped and he slimmed down. He is still eating junk food, just not in the same amounts (I judge by the amount of wrappers I find in his room). I am so sorry to hear your son is refusing to go to school because of the bullying based on his weight issues. Can you maybe try to arrange some counselling for him to get to the bottom why he overeats? Banging on about his weight and trying to get him eat less calories sounds counterproductive to me

It’s comments like this that are not helpful. A child is at the beginnings of a weight problem and mother trying to address it. Quite rightly. There is always someone who comes along to criticise the advice because of a potential future eating disorder or difficult relationship with food. No, the child needs to not become more overweight. There are obviously kind and subtle ways to address the eating habits but the weight needs to be addressed and that will ultimately by eating less and healthier.

OP- I think it might be what he eats away from you that are causing some issue. Where does he buy his dinners from at school, is it onsite or the chip shop? Also I get that there might be an issue with dad but if he is eating a load of crap when there, I think you are going to have to have a difficult conversation and work from the same page.

breakfast is a couple of boiled eggs with a bagel and apple juice or tea (no sugar, green milk), a bowl of Cheerios (a massive bowl tbf) or three weetabix.

=> these are enormous portions. One boiled egg with a bagel is plenty, so is two weetabix with semi skim milk. Avoid juice; it’s pure sugar.

Lunch at the moment is generally two ham and cheese wraps (wholemeal),
=> one with a pile of crudités

baked potato and cheese
=> swap for baked potato with tuna and low fat mayo

Dinner is usually some kind of pasta dish served with a side salad, maybe pizza once a week, sometimes chicken dippers/waffles/veg for a quick meal.
=> watch potion size for all of the above

Snacks are fruit (favorites are currently blueberries and watermelon, yoghurts (Aldi split pots), digestive biscuits, croissants/pan au chocolate, oat biscuits -
=> reduce biscuits and pastries

It's normal for pre teens to gain weight, puberty requires a massive amount of energy.

Leave him alone as in all likelihood it will even out.