My plan to get my life together before I turn 30 - please help/advise

[ChapelRose]

My twenties have been essentially a write-off; I have suffered a lot with anxiety and as such have isolated myself and comfort eaten myself to a size 18. I have 6 months until I turn 30, and I want to try and get myself back on a better trajectory. I wondered if anyone would be able to offer any advice or constructive criticism of my plan to turn my life around.

So for some context, I have never been in a relationship. I have no friends. Still live with my parents. I have had a lot of childhood trauma which I have slowly woken up to over the course of my twenties, so I do have huge self-esteem issues and I think I am quite stunted because of it all. I desperately want to have children, but it seems so impossible and unlikely because of all of this. I know I will have the biggest heart-aching sense of regret if I didn't at least try and turn this around.

The only thing that is going well is my career. I have a job that I really enjoy and that is been good for my mental health (after burning out in previous jobs). The only issue is that I work from home nearly all of the time, so I am isolated from others.

I want to try and turn all of this around, but it obviously feels huge and overwhelming. I think the biggest issue for me is the isolation. I have let my anxiety convince me that I prefer being alone, when really all of my happiest moments have been when I have been around others.

My plan is:

• Start going into my job's office more often. It is a long commute and an expensive train fare, but it will be good to be around others and start going out for drinks with colleagues, etc.
• Lose weight. I am really unhappy with my weight, and I don't want to even pursue online dating until I comfortable with my weight. I have already lost some weight, but want to carry that on and hopefully get back to the size 10/12 I was in my early 20s.
• Save up to move out. I'm looking at shared ownership properties and I'm nearly there with my deposit. I think by my 30th birthday I will have reached my savings goal for a deposit.
• Travel. This kind of goes against the saving to move out, but I only went on an aeroplane for the first time very recently, and I don't want to wait to travel until I have friends or a partner to travel with as I know that may never happen, so I want to plan a 30th birthday trip.
• Start online dating. This one terrifies me, I don't even post on social media let alone having a dating profile. But I realised that it is the only way I'll ever be able to meet someone. I do feel a bit naive and vulnerable about it, even though I'm nearly a 30 year old woman...
• Save for solo motherhood. This is something I have only recently been thinking about. I do worry that I have not lived enough to be able to be a good Mum - how can I guide a teenager through their first breakup if I've never gone through that myself? But I want to start saving up for it, so that the option is there if I find myself in a position where I want to pursue it.

Are there any blind spots I have missed, or anything any of you would advise I do differently? I feel really vulnerable posting this all on here, but it has helped get things off my chest and make a bit of an action plan rather than just ruminating about all of my regrets.

What’s your plan to lose weight? I wonder whether you could also start to make more friends/experience more of life while losing the weight - eg slimming world/local exercise classes? There are a lot of fun exercise based trips you can do as a single woman, eg yoga retreats/hikes.

Are there any old friends you lost touch with and want to reconnect?

And are you getting support for the anxiety? It’s likely that as you try to do new things you’ll experience some dips along the way, so might be sensible to have support lined up?

Firstly (and I say this as someone who worried they were too old to make changes around age 30 but is now the other side of 40)
You are not too old and it is not too late - nor will it be for some time. There is a sense of last-minute panic running through your post and I want you not to worry about that because panic won't help you. You are enough. You are worthy just as you are.
Secondly, the great thing about starting to live the life you want now, is that you get to start living the life you want now.
Honestly I would put dating on the back burner just now and focus on building you. Spend time trying hobbies, spending time with other people, continuing to boss your career (well done finding one you like by the way, I still haven't). It will be much easier to find the right romantic/sexual partners when you are happy with yourself.
Regardless of weight find some active hobbies you enjoy and do those - whether it's swimming, yoga, weights, running club or whatever, find something that you love that happens to be part of the lifestyle you want.
My most head-screwed on friends meditate and/or keep a gratitude journal and I am trying to get into both habits.
Very best of luck, I'm excited for you.

You are 29….today is the first day of the rest of your new life….go for it OP …good luck🍀

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your plan, you sound like you have put a lot of thought into it. I really wish you well

You sound lovely OP. There are lots of great threads on mumsnet which provide companionship for exercising, losing weight, style and beauty etc. Wishing you strength and courage for moving forward.

I think your plan is really sound OP. It's sensible and achievable which is key and you'll feel a real sense of accomplishment as you move through it. Maybe set some short term success measures in each area to help measure your progress?

I'd echo the other posters who said to focus on developing yourself and your interests and not so much on meeting someone through online dating. Online dating can be tough at the best of times and if you're vulnerable it's very easy to get hurt or have the wool pulled over your eyes by deceptive people.

Love that you've given this so much thought. You seem to have some good motivation here. However you can't change everything overnight, or in 6 months so please be careful you don't set yourself so many targets that actually you're setting yourself up to fail.

It's a cliché however change just one thing at a time just slows things down a little and allows you to focus on each change.

For example - how will you continue to save for your deposit if you're planning a wonderful trip for your 30th ? Both are perfectly good targets but run something in opposition to to each other. I'd go for the trip myself.

I like the idea of you going into the office more, linking up with colleagues. However as this is a distance away, I'd try to build some local links. Again cliché but think about joining a book club, knit and natter group, pottery classes. Find one that has people of your age group.

Don't worry about the online dating or saving for motherhood just yet - build you up first !
good luck!

You are already on the right path. The mere fact that you have the self-awareness to know that you need to make some changes in your life is a very good thing. So many people wander through life without even knowing that making a leap forward is a must.
I have struggled with my weight in the past so I know how you feel in regards to that issue. However, never let that prevent you from moving forward. In addition, there are many men who appreciate plus-size women. Trust me, I know that only too well lol.
On a more serious note, don't let your weight deter you from beginning your online dating journey. If not for online dating I don't know where I would be. I was very hesitant after my divorce to get back out there. I felt like a fish out of water but I made that leap into online dating and it paid off.
I think total-holistic.com would be a great place for you to start. It's a dating site for health-conscious people including weight loss enthusiasts. I have met some amazing people there. Feel free to message me if you need any pointers.

you need a separate category for exercise

consider it totally separate from weight, but with overlap in socialising / friends category

it’s amazing for mental and physical health
i would try out a few classes to find out what you like And if you can get on with couch to 5km consider parkrun! Good way to meet people

set small goals
run 5km
deadlift 40kg
do a whole class properly (that was one of my early ones)

separately as a kick start I really recommend those “boot camp” holidays, like no 1 boot camp in Norfolk.
it will give you confidence with weights, let you try out a few classes and give you a good loss to start you off
they often do last minute deals and you can haggle

I’ve made good friends on these types of holidays too as it’s primarily single women but you do get all walks of life…

Edit
should have said
I was not too dissimilar at 30 and had some kind of epiphany after my birthday and did the same as you are here.
i started focusing on the life I wanted, my health and weight loss and started OLD as I wanted to meet someone.

At 40 i have the big house, nice DH, 2 amazing babies and a dog.
Fucking go for it!!!!
the lord helps those who help themselves

Well done OP, you sound very self-aware and like a really lovely person. Here is my two pence worth:

When I wanted to lose weight I joined a local Slimming World club. I was really nervous going to my first meeting alone but there were loads of other new people there and it was a really friendly group. We had our own Facebook group and organised socials, so that may be a good way of killing two birds with one stone on the weight loss and getting out and about more.

Similarly, I have found most yoga classes a really friendly bunch. Just the low key ones held in local village halls etc but they're normally a great group of women. I met my best friend years ago at a yoga class when I first moved to a new area where I didn't know anyone.

My SIL is single and has had some holidays where she has joined a group and travelled together. I think it was through Intrepid Travel and was a bit less daunting for her (she's in her 30s and quite sheltered.) She's had a fabulous time doing that.

I would give online dating a go whenever you feel ready to. I met my DH online and we've been married for 8 years now. Both of us are quite introverted and would have never crossed paths normally. We both say though it's a mindset you have to have of putting yourself out there and knowing it's a numbers game....you won't necessarily meet the right person straight away and you'll have some knock backs. Luckily we both persisted and stumbled across one another. We're very happy so it's not all horror stories.

My biggest piece of advice would be start walking, or exercise of any sort I guess but i think walking is easy to get into and keep going and you can do it any time or any where. I lost so much weight and it massively improved my mental health, the more you do the more energy you get and want to do more. I left an abusive partner at age 22, a size 16. I never dieted or really planned to lose weight but started walking and it honestly changed my life.

I was you aged 30 to some degree.

1. In regards to going into the office more, this is quite a drain - I did it for five years commuting 1.5 hours sometimes more each way. It didn't help my social life too much. What we do have in my office is a monthly lunch and we also did a pub quiz. So why not just go in for days when social stuff is on? I have to go into the office one day a week for my mental wellbeing. Any more is debatable TBH.

1. In regards to weight, I wouldn't focus on the number on the scale but how you feel. I lost a lot of weight and still didn't feel great so instead I got a personal trainer and started lifting weights in the gym. I built muscle mass, dropped body fat and felt super strong. It made a huge difference to my confidence. It also increased my calorie burn so I can eat more. Focus on consistent daily habits not diets. Could use commute money saved on a personal trainer, will help loads with confidence and isolation.

1. Long term where do you want to buy? Can you buy somewhere nearer job or social opportunities? This is key. In your 40s and 50s being active and social becomes more important than ever and last thing you want is to live somewhere dull where you need a car to get anywhere. For me, I bought somewhere half way between work and friends and it was the worst of both worlds. Next year I am moving to where friends live. Its further from work but an extremely sociable town, very inclusive, lots of community life. Buy somewhere you will be happy even if you stay single (you won't stay single).

I also did shared ownership - I'm just about to sell my property to move to the more sociable place.

In terms of moving out there are cheap rental schemes like Property Guardians if you want to move out before committing to buying.

1. How about a mixed singles holiday? Or girls like Gutsy Girls. If you love travel defo find affordable ways to do this.

1. Re online dating - don't make this the only way of meeting people - try things like sports classes for younger people like spin or Hyrox, business networking meet ups like FIRE, singles nights. You kind of need 6 months of going out and holiday photos for the dating profile anyway. So 6-9 months you could be ready I.e. next summer.

1. It might be worth a fertility check on your egg reserve as that will help you make your decisions. Egg freezing may be something to consider at 30. I wouldn't leave that choice much later though. My other advice is that if you don't have one make sure you are saving into a pension.

Join a running club. Get fit and meet new people all at once.