34 and have no real friends

[Kathleen995]

Hi everyone,

Not really sure what I’m looking for here - maybe just someone who can relate?

Basically, I have an almost two year old, I’m 7 months pregnant and it’s slowly dawned on me that I don’t have any true friends anymore. No ride or dies.

I have a close friend who lives abroad, and a couple of others dotted around the country, but no one local or even that close geographically that I can say would really be there for me if shit truly hit the fan. Not even my long distance friends.

My mum is 72 and she’s surrounded by all of these lifelong friends who have dropped everything in the past to be there for her in hours of need, and vice versa. I just don’t think I have that and it’s resulted in me feeling incredibly lonely, depressed and like there’s something wrong with me. Every weekend I just hang out with my partner/son as I don’t feel I have anyone else to spend time with.

To make matters worse, my partner is incredibly sociable and has a close group of friends where we live who are always doing things together and prioritising each other. This throws my own lack of friends into quite harsh comparison and has (probably unfairly) negatively impacted our relationship as I feel he prioritises seeing his friends over spending quality time with me (outside of caring for our child). But I acknowledge I’m also probably just jealous of his situation compared to mine (he grew up here, I moved here 10 years ago but am not from here.)

I’m an introvert but confident and outgoing, and always had friends at school and uni and before I had kids. During my last pregnancy I noticed people who I had considered close friends before (no kids) become very distant. They remain child free and these friendships never really recovered, and now I’m in my second pregnancy it’s even worse. People I had considered good friends locally now seem to choose to spend time with each other rather than include me, they don’t ask how my son is or how I am and have expressed no interest in me or my pregnancy. I haven’t even seen them since I’ve become pregnant and am now reluctant to reach out because why should I when they’ve showed no interest in me?

The whole situation has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and upset (hormones not helping). I cry about it most days and just feel really down, like the only people I can truly rely on are my mum, my sister and my partner. Everyone around me seems to be surrounded with great friends and I feel really lonely and abnormal.

I know friendships change and are often lost during pregnancy/child-rearing but it feels a bit extreme to be 34 and to have nobody around me I feel I can call a true friend. We moved out of the city a year ago (not far - 6 miles/a half an hour drive) but none of my friends from the city have offered to come and visit me, and haven’t yet taken me up on my invitations to come over.

It’s so incredibly hurtful and really gets me down, and I don’t know how to make new friends at my age/stage of life/with such little time and energy to do so.

Has anyone else experienced this and can offer any advice on how I can get out of this miserable rut and start making true connections with people who will be real friends, rather than fair weather ones?

Your situation is very much like mine - even down to our ages! I'm turning 34 this year, have a 2 year old son, and planning to try for our second soon. I don't have any friends. I have one mum friend, who was introduced to me by my sister (so not a naturally occurring friend, if that makes sense!). I find it hard to be myself around people so it takes me a while to form friendships - lack self confidence, doubt myself a lot, all the effort has to come from others because I don't see why they'd want to hear from me, so I don't try to keep contact. When I was a child I had close friends, had a few different best friends growing up, it's just got harder in adulthood.
I'm hoping that when my son starts making friends I will make mum friends! Sorry no advice. Just wanted to reassure you that you're definitely not alone.

Hi OP, I’m also 34, 7 months pregnant, with a nearly 2yo + nearly 4yo. I still have some friends, but we don’t see each other as frequently now due to distance and different lifestyles. My extended family used to be my best friends, but since my circumstances changed that has all gone, so I sympathise with your situation.

I know it’s a long way off at the moment, but I’m hoping to make local mum friends when the kids start school.

Could you speak to your DH about trying to include you with his friends? Perhaps invite another couple round for dinner so you could befriend his mate’s partner?

Thank you so much for replying! I hope for the same. It just seems so out of reach trying to find the time to even make new friends when so much of my life is taken up with my son and soon to be newborn. It just feels frustrating that I don’t have a social life and can’t see myself having one again for a long time at this rate :( Meanwhile my partner is out with his friends every weekend and sometimes during the week.

i don’t have children but in the same boat. Me and my partner split after 10 years last year and I didn’t realise how much I relied on him for my social life (lived in his city and moved 2hours away from where I grew up). Saw a suggestion about making friends with his friends partners yes it’s a good idea but also try and make your own because believe me those aren’t gonna be around if it goes south in your relationship. I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I’ve tried multiple ways to meet a new group but it’s all very superficial but gets me out I suppose.

So your dh goes out and leaves you at home? That is an issue. Is he thinking this will continue when new baby arrives? Why is he not including you?

We sort of had an argument about it a couple of nights ago where I had a huge meltdown about all of this. We can’t really both go because of our two year old and lack of childcare, they also tend to play sports or go to the pub and obviously at 7 months pregnant that’s not something I can really take part in! We will sometimes all meet up during the day at the weekend but it very much feels like they’re his friends not mine (even though we’ve been together ten years and I’ve known them for that long).

His argument is that if he cuts back on seeing his friends his mental health will suffer and then he won’t be able to support me, which I see the reasoning of but I find it unfair that he prioritises spending quality, fun time with them whereas I can’t remember the last time he suggested or even organised any kind of date night or fun thing for us to do together. It was my birthday recently and he hadn’t even organised anything, I had to call and book a restaurant myself on the day :(

he’s also going on a golf holiday 6 weeks after the new baby arrives, which he says he’ll cancel if I’m not in a good place but I feel like he should’ve cancelled it already…

Thanks for your reply! I do hope I meet some mum friends when school starts - my mum met some of her now good friends that way too so I’ve always held out hope.

We do sometimes go and visit his friend, whose girlfriend I consider a friend also, but we’ve never become super close and don’t have the sort of relationship where she would come and hang out for dinner on her own or anything, and it’s hard for me to always get into the city to see her. But I’ll continue working on it. The rest of his friends are all single so no imminent chance of budding friendships there unfortunately!

It sounds like your DH is half the problem.

You moved to live near his support network, which means he should have brought you into that from the start.

If you host socials you won’t need childcare e.g. BBQs, dinner parties, games nights, film nights etc

He needs to stop being selfish and realise that your MH is just as important as his.

I could have written this myself! In fact I did write a similar post earlier this year. Still no friends, but I just accept it now and appreciate other things I have in my life.

Can you do lots of baby groups once baby is here? I’ve got a 6 month old and made a lot of mum friends by going to baby groups.

Rhyme time at the library is free (I think most libraries do them?) and then I joined a few more classes and I’ve got a group of mums who I have coffee with, go on walks with etc.

It's hard making new friends as an adult. I live far away from where I grew up and also from where I went to uni. Most of the friends I have now are from
-hobby groups/clubs
-baby and toddler groups
-colleagues who have become friends
-people of my nationality, who I met on a Facebook group for people from my country who live in my city

I'm mid 30s with a pre schooler, it can be done. Although, I have to say most of my friends are now other parents, a lot of my child free friends have drifted away despite me making an effort. That can happen when you're at different life stages.

Could you take an evening a week for yourself while your partner does the childcare and join a group of some sort? If he does out with his friends then you should get time to yourself too.

If you work, can you have nights out with colleagues?

Join some social toddler groups (church hall type thing) or sign your son up for an activity something like toddler football/swimming/whatever else he might enjoy?

I'm 32 have 2 kids, 2 dogs and a husband but no friends. I have people I talk to from time to time but no true friends and it makes me sad at times.