Is it a form of bullying or aggression when someone repeatedly asks the same question?

[Bohomovies]

I had an upsetting experience recently where someone kept asking me the same question, using phrases such as “I don’t want to upset you, but…” then asking the question. I was giving perfectly adequate, detailed, honest answers, but she carried on asking, saying things like “but I don’t understand what you mean” etc.
She was talking slowly and gently, but it felt very passive-aggressive to me.
Am I being paranoid to think this could be a form of aggression?
This was in a professional capacity and I will be taking it further, but I am struggling to find the words to explain what happened and why I was so uncomfortable with it.

It is definitely passive aggressive bullshit. This kind of person is hoping that you'll end up getting so annoyed that you snap at them then they can act all innocent and say I was only asking a question, I wasn't shouting or aggressive. I was speaking calmly. People like that really piss me off🤨

We'd have to know the details. You might have been trying to be vague or being vague without knowing it.

I know you've said your answers were honest and detailed, so if that's true it's possible they were playing mind games.

Not enough detail to be sure.

Sorry quoted by accident.

@Devilsmommy Yes, this is the impression I got, too. After about five minutes of it I ended up bursting into tears.

@honestyISkind No, I definitely wasn’t being vague. It’s a long story, but this person had apparently been given information from another professional about me that was not correct.
I stated facts clearly, and in the end found an email I’d written that showed her that the information she’d been given was wrong. She thanked me for the email but didn’t apologise.

Why do I feel like this is a social worker. Sorry I know that's a massive assumption.

When she says she does not understand ask het what she does not understand. Wait for her to explain. And see what she says .

Can you have a friend with you at all

@Walkingdisaster24 Not a social worker, but someone with some level of power who clearly wants more.

I wish I’d had a camera on me, recording the entire conversation and her conduct!

So sorry you experienced that. Next time just keep asking what exactly she doesn't understand. Or if you're ok not giving a fuck, ask her how she can't possibly understand the extremely detailed information you've given her, with a nice big fuck off smile to really piss her off. Don't let her see you cry, twats like that get off on it

@Devilsmommy Good advice!

It's a horrible tactic in the workplace. I tongue in cheek use the repeating question tactic on my teenagers, as I tend to get the true answer the third time I ask, but in a professional setting it's patronising and yes, bullying. I hate it when lazy Breakfast TV "journalists" use the technique on guests.

@Longdueachange Yes!! I’ve just googled this, and this is exactly what she was doing! I knew it was some sort of tactic. I could just sense it, but it’s so hard to explain!

It’s called the ‘broken record technique’ and some older assertiveness training texts advocate its use, not clarifying that in the wrong context it can come across as very manipulative indeed.

@BreakfastAtMilliways I’ve just googled it. Yes. Ugh, how passive-aggressive.

That doesn't sound good. Are you able to have a support person present for future discussions? If possible email them with contemporaneous notes whenever you discuss anything- politely and factually outlining your discussions. Keep a paper trail and try not to speak to them alone.

It would also be ok to say "I'm just going to take some notes while we're chatting " and write everything down as you go.

@honestyISkind Thank you - I appreciate that advice, and will be using it! I don’t want her to have another opportunity to treat me like that again!

Sounds like a therapist or someone in HR.

I can see why this person did it. They were told one thing, you were telling them another. They had to question you to check which story was correct and were probably going over any inconsistencies. They were just doing their job and you said they were gentle and calm.

I can understand why that would be so distressing for you - I've had a similar thing happen, where you explain something in good faith and the other person just doesn't listen or believe you.

However, I think it depends on the context. You've said it wasn't a social worker, but if it was someone im a similar role trying to clarify discrepencies, I can see why they wouldn't apologise. It's their job to work out if people are lying and whether this puts children at risk. Whereas in a differenr context it may have been inappropriate.

I usually find ‘but why don’t you understand because I’ve given you a clear and detailed answer’ with the emphasis on the word ‘why’ usually shuts them up.

It can be bullying but it could also be a sign of someone genuinely didn’t understand you (& maybe you are not as clear as you believe) or it could be someone who is ND and again genuinely doesn’t understand until they get some very specific response.

So much depends on context but you talking about “taking it further” sounds a bit extreme if this was a one off thing with this person.

You say that they thanked you in the end but didn’t apologise but why would they apologise to you? They didn’t know they’d upset you, they came to you for some information and got it from you.

If you are asked the same thing three times, I’d give the same answer three times