Why am I suddenly not coping?

[Lowerechelons]

And what do I do about it?

DH died 3 years ago, leaving me with 2 just adult children. Obviously it was hard, my youngest in particular has been a worry.

However, generally I managed pretty well. It was hard when DC were suffering and knowing how to support them, without him to talk it over with was particularly heartbreaking, but for me, I've been OK.

I threw myself into building a new single life, let some disappointing friendships go and made some new ones, worked hard at my sport and achieved some new goals, changed my job for a better worklife balance, even did some house and garden projects. People tell me often how strong and capable I am!

However this year, it's all over. I can't motivate myself to do anyhting at home or work, spend far too long doing nothing on my phone, not even keeping on top of basic housework, which I've done without thinking for 30 years, cry at everything, good or bad, feel ridiculously hurt by every little (often imagined) slight, and have a very short fuse.

I've done 4 months of HRT and it's helped my sleep and sweats, but not my mind.

I don't feel grief stricken, I don't dwell on missing him, although obviously there's sadness when something makes me think of him, I even quite like my new found freedom/single life, but I'm just not coping.

I'm really worried about work. I'm practically doing nothing, which I hate, I used to be so contentious, but I seem powerless to change it. I don't know if it's grief, menopause, or something else and no idea how to fix it. I did try counselling, but the counsellor said she didn't think I needed it!

Have you posted in the past about various men you are interested in and it hasn’t gone anywhere?

No, I haven't been chasing men, been there, done that. I've probably used too much energy trying to be sociable, as a natural introvert, but not aimed at sexual/romantic relationships with men.

Hmm it could be a few things -

• depression
• delayed grief
• menopause
• adhd-symptoms worsened by menopause
• phone addiction (if this, buy the book How to break up with your phone)
• something physical, e.g. a vitamin deficiency or thyroid.

I'd speak to the GP about it and ask for their take on things.

You sound burnt out to me.
Have you been keeping it all together and being the strong capable one by any chance?
I’m sorry for you loss.

The problem with strong and capable, you're the one who makes sure everyone else is ok. You can only suppress your own needs for so long and then it starts coming out in funny ways

A delayed reaction is absolutely normal in my experience. In the immediate aftermath, you go through the motions to cope, keep yourself busy, make positive progress etc. But you reach a point and just can't ignore your grief anymore - it sounds to me like you're there.

All I can suggest is be kind to yourself. Keep in touch with your children, and reach out to your GP who may be able to help with counselling and possibly a low dose anti depressant for the short term. Honestly, they can really help.

The other thing, is that you lost him in the middle of the pandemic.

I have noticed is that this year, many things have finally returned to normal, pretty much what they were before the pandemic.

It seems like you have taken your foot of the gas at around the same time as this shifting. So perhaps as things around you are restoring and there’s less need for you to hold everything together, you are allowing yourself to finally collapse.

I think you should allow yourself some proper time to yourself, guilt-free reading novels, crosswords, going to the pub, whatever non-furthering activities you enjoy, get some rest. Then I would go to the GP and see if there’s some kind of medication to get your mojo back.

I was exactly the same due to menopause. Even housework was a monumental effort with menopause, before, I used to whizz around. I was much sharper at work. I was much more organised and now more laissez -faire.

I am better than I was during peri but not quite back to my old whizzy self.
I also think I became addicted to my phone as it's so easy to scroll and know that I need to stop scrolling and do more exersise and maybe I'd feel more motivated.

Have you been on holiday recently? May be you need a change of scenery and rest to recharge?

I’m the same op, I lost my dh 3 years ago too, then my mum last year and it’s been me that’s been strong, held everyone together, buried my own grief, my own feelings, tried to move forward with my life.. until this year. Hrt doesn’t help with my mind and I’m so so tired of it all.

I cry at everything, get overwhelmed, I have no patience for peoples shit it’s awful

Yes, I went away on my own in June, had a lovely peaceful week of solitude, it was bliss. Then a complete breakdown when I had to go back to real life!