Moving out of home when you have a SN sibling

[LyonsLion]

I finished uni in the Covid lockdowns so I was really grateful to be able to come back home to my family and they let me live there while I got on my feet with getting jobs etc. I think it’s time I moved out and stayed with housemates though. But the thing is my DSis has SN and my DPs say she will be really upset that I leave and won’t cope. I do understand it because her mental health is quite bad at the moment and she needs support. She was fine when I left for uni but she was in a much better place then. But the issue is I do not feel my DPs are doing enough to support her with this, they are devoted but don’t seem to see she needs a different approach as nothing is working. I have tried to find centres which offer support or groups and they refuse to try anything which makes me feel she’ll never get better and I can never move out. Can anyone give advice on how to approach this with my DPs?

Are they guilting you into becoming her lifelong carer? How will you work or have a life if she can't cope with you not being there?

I think what you need to recognise is that what they've said has very little to do with your sister being upset (even if she would be), but a lot more to do with them wanting you to take the load off them.

You've tried to help but they won't pick it up. They just expect everything to carry on the way it as been, and as you rightly say if nothing changes nothing will change for your sister.

As far as they're concerned it will never be the right time for you to leave so you should do it now. Calmly explain that you need to stand on your own two feet now. They will call you selfish, but they'll call you that if you wait until you're 40.

There isn't an easy way to have this conversation. The only thing you can do is stay cool, unemotional and factual.

I don't think your parents should lay that guilt on you OP.

Please move out.

I can't get my head around your parents' perspective. I have one SEN DC who won't be able to live independently and my greatest wish is for my other DC to have a normal life, spread their wings and not feel burdened. Also horribly aware that the burden is likely to fall to them later in life so they should not be expected to be a carer as a young adult.

If you stay just a while it will drag on and on and before you know it life will be passing you by.

Hi OP I have a disabled sibling who will need lifelong care. I have enormous sympathy for parents like ours as their caring responsibilities have a profound impact on their lives, but in this instance I think your parents are being wildly, wildly unfair (and I dare say there will be lots of parents of SEN children along shortly to say exactly the same).

You can be a loving, supportive sister without clipping your own wings.

There's a charity called Sibs, who have dedicated groups and resources for people in our position, may be worth reaching out to them.

Thanks for replying I appreciate it. My DPs work so hard for my DSis and were fine with me going away to uni. I think this downturn with my DSis has just affected them so much it’s affected their response to me moving out. I’d never heard of Sibs so thanks Margot I will have a look.