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Original poster

How on earth have I managed to get into this situation?

15 replies

Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 13:44

And what do I do about it?

I have lots of male friends and few female friends. I really don't know how it happened, it definitely wasn't deliberate. I guess it's come about because I've always worked mostly with men and developed an interest in the things they're interested in, but I don't think I'm "one of the lads". I'm fairly girly in appearance and don't stand for any sexist "banter", never have even when it was "OK" in the 80s and 90s.

Anyway as a result, I am often surrounded by men, they all seem to like having me around, but clearly see me as friends and nothing more. I think this puts off both potential women friends, who think there's something a bit odd about someone who spends all her time with men (there is?) and potential romantic interests, who assume I'm involved with one or several of my friends. Or maybe all men are destined just to see me as a friend for ever more and I'm thoroughly unattractive to them.

I do have 2 good female friends, by far my best friends, the men are just "mates" iyswim, but other women seem to give me a wide berth.

I'm a bit old to change my personality now, but where am I going wrong?

OP posts:
MixieMatchie · 23/07/2024 13:55

How was your relationship with each of your parents? I am a bit like this, and it seems pretty clear when I think about it that, deep down, I expect to be liked or accepted by men, and not by women. Like you, I'm certainly not "one of the lads" or a tomboy - nor do I try to cultivate admirers - but I do end up falling into comfortable acquaintanceship more easily with men, and I think that goes back to my childhood. It's something that I'm trying to be more conscious of and brave in tackling, but to be honest it's the least of my priorities day to day, so I'm not sure I'll get very far :-(

Original poster
Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 14:01

MixieMatchie · 23/07/2024 13:55

How was your relationship with each of your parents? I am a bit like this, and it seems pretty clear when I think about it that, deep down, I expect to be liked or accepted by men, and not by women. Like you, I'm certainly not "one of the lads" or a tomboy - nor do I try to cultivate admirers - but I do end up falling into comfortable acquaintanceship more easily with men, and I think that goes back to my childhood. It's something that I'm trying to be more conscious of and brave in tackling, but to be honest it's the least of my priorities day to day, so I'm not sure I'll get very far :-(

Aw that's interesting and I can't believe I've never considered it before.

I am much closer to my dad because we share more interests, he's the reason I ended up doing the work I do (with men). It's not that I don't get on with mum, but we've never been close. She's one of those parents who you know loves you because she'll always be there when needed, but has never actually said it.

OP posts:
MixieMatchie · 23/07/2024 14:03

Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 14:01

Aw that's interesting and I can't believe I've never considered it before.

I am much closer to my dad because we share more interests, he's the reason I ended up doing the work I do (with men). It's not that I don't get on with mum, but we've never been close. She's one of those parents who you know loves you because she'll always be there when needed, but has never actually said it.

Show quote history

There we go, mystery solved!! Seriously though, these family relationships shape us so much. I don't even think of my mum as being there when needed, though I guess we love each other, so... Yeah!

Original poster
Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 14:03

I don't know if it's related, but as a very young child (infants) my friends were boys, then, in those days at least, there was a period when boys and girls split into seperate groups. I found those school years really hard and never felt I fit in. It wasn't until 6th form, when I did maths and science, that I felt comfortable amongst my peers.

OP posts:
crampyi · 23/07/2024 14:03

Maybe this is something to explore with a counsellor perhaps? If the majority of people you come across don’t want a friendship with you, it suggests something more at play that you can possibly work on?

Original poster
Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 14:17

crampyi · 23/07/2024 14:03

Maybe this is something to explore with a counsellor perhaps? If the majority of people you come across don’t want a friendship with you, it suggests something more at play that you can possibly work on?

I don't know if they don't want a friendship, or that it just never develops, we're never in a situation where it might, it never gets that far.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 14:22

But you do have female friends. In your OP it says that your two closest friends are women. It's hard to make friends as you get older.

The only time I would give a woman a wide birth would be if she had lots of male friends because she was desperate for male attention or approval.

Original poster
Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 14:32

cupcaske123 · 23/07/2024 14:22

But you do have female friends. In your OP it says that your two closest friends are women. It's hard to make friends as you get older.

The only time I would give a woman a wide birth would be if she had lots of male friends because she was desperate for male attention or approval.

I don't think that's why I have male friends, but I do wonder if that's how it looks.

OP posts:
crampyi · 23/07/2024 17:21

I don’t think you having male friends is as relevant as you think it is.

I am female with lots of friends of both genders. I went to school, college, university and worked with them. It would be weird if I didn’t have specifically female or male friends, having experienced life with them and shared experiences together. That’s generally how we became friends.

it’s not particularly that different to make friends with men vs women. it just boils down to you being able to socialise well or not. I think you’re pinning things on gender when in reality there could be more to it, which may require you to do things differently.

Lots of women (and men) are happy to meet new people and make friends - the right friend, that is. There isn’t a specific trick to it, it’s just them seeing something in you that they want in their lives. How you make them feel etc. Ultimately friendships like any other relationship should be mutually beneficial.

how do people you just meet know you have lots of male friends anyway? It’s clearly something you’re bringing up in conversation or publicising, which may not be necessary

Original poster
Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 21:10

I don't talk about it, but anyone who sees me out and about or sees my SM will know I'm usually with a group of men.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 23/07/2024 21:13

I always had male friends when I was younger. I was not close to my father. These were definitely friends, nothing more. In my case I honestly think it is because I am autistic - I didn't fit in with the other girls, but the boys (men) liked my weird sense of humour and the fact I wasn't the same as all the other girls(women) I think. No need for them to act macho or to impress me - I wasn't impressed - I didn't know how to act impressed.

EBearhug · 23/07/2024 21:22

I have a lot of male friends - partly because I work in a male-dominated industry. I've often been the only woman on nights out, or in a minority. This weekend I was with women (schoolfriends). I group my friends more in terms of where I met them than which sex they are.

crampyi · 23/07/2024 21:23

Traineraoc · 23/07/2024 21:10

I don't talk about it, but anyone who sees me out and about or sees my SM will know I'm usually with a group of men.

Anyone who sees you out and about knows you’re usually with a group of men, how? Are you on about people you’ve just met or people who already know of you?

Social media is another aspect entirely. There could be any number of reasons why your social media puts people off. If you genuinely think it’s because you’re friends with men, then change your social media posting style, and see if people respond to you differently.

Dingdong90 · 27/07/2024 13:51

I think this is quite common..I definitely feel more comfortable in the company of men than women, better laughs and way less drama ! I have a couple of close female friends but I definitely prefer a night out with my dp and his friends . I was a tomboy growing up though and hated all the playground drama that came with being a girl so I think it stems from that.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/07/2024 13:53

So is the issue you want a male partner but they see you as friends? And you want more women friends but it doesn’t come so naturally?

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