I’m struggling being a parent

[CupcakeandCola]

I have a daughter who is 10. We are naturalised citizens who work full time. We have worked incredibly hard to build a life here and provide the best opportunities for her. She is in a private school- and has been given ample opportunities to pick extra curricular activities/hobbies etc. The problem is she is not interested in anything and as per her we need to make everything perfect for her to function. For eg: if I have a bad day and not my best she won’t do her lessons etc because ‘mummy is not happy’ and this follows on. Our lives have been reduced to being at her beck and call- mainly this is because if my husband and I’ve had a chat with him as to how silly this is. Also she has a friend group who are into the latest everything- I have been very clear with her about this and told her we would not be entertaining ‘keeping up with the joneses’ attitude. But she views this as something to be resentful. Basically she sees as just as two providers as supposed to parents. I’m 43 and struggling with issues like anxiety and possible peri menopause. This whole issue is adding another layer of pressure and I don’t gave an answer.

You put her into a private school and surrounded her with children who no doubt get a lot of material things, the latest things, and then you expect her not to want that too?

For eg: if I have a bad day and not my best she won’t do her lessons etc because ‘mummy is not happy’

It would help if you explained how you currently react to utter bullshit like this.

Why exactly are you at her beck and call? Do you not say no?

Are there any good state schools near you?

Hope this thread doesn’t become a ‘private school bashing’ thread. We chose her to go to this specific school mainly because she will be challenged and tested regularly- as we have plans to move back at some point and the school system back at home is extremely competitive so if you are not used to the level of work she will struggle.
It’s not a school where the parents are coughing money - 95% are professionals who are making huge sacrifices. So the students are not spoilt - the issue is that she is into using it as an excuse to not do her work/ lessons. For eg: she needed some gel
pens for highlighting, got her some from WH Smith. Then she found out that one or two girls have the Japanese pens which are nicer. I gave now found out that she has stopped using her pens as they are not good enough. I keep explaining to her that she cannot keep moving from one thing to another, but she sees this as a parenting failure. Nothing to do with the school or friends, it’s a mindset she has developed.

I didn’t bash private schools. But you need to acknowledge the peer group that you’ve given her, and not expect her to be immune to that.

So what happens when you say, “no, you’ve got gel pens - save your pocket money if you want the Japanese ones too.”

Is this how she has always been?

If you've given into every request of hers since she was a toddler then those behaviours will continue.

The cycle has to break at some point. Either have a good chat with her about her behaviour and how to move forward or stop giving into her every request.

If she doesn't do her homework then wouldn't the teacher address that with her? And she hopefully should realise how her actions then have consequences...

@Testina apologies I don’t mean it in that way. She takes it when I say no however I have noticed she holds it and drops it maybe months or weeks later when discussing lessons etc ‘well u cannot highlight as I don’t have those specific gel pens, so I forgot that point’ it’s as if she sees me mainly as a person who works to provide her needs. I’m not being seen as a human

Sounds like she has learnt this behaviour through you giving in to her demands all the time. You need to stop this and start putting in consquences in places for things like homework. It’s going to be hard for her to change her behaviour.

Maybe I wasn’t clear- I’ve never given into this. I’m the strict parent and I’m the one who says no. This was started by her dad- he over praised her from day 1 claiming this will build her confidence (he has confidence issues) and now I feel she sees as as inadequate

when you say provider and not human, I am trying to be gentle when I say she’s 10 and you’re her mum - to her your role is to be a provider. If she’s being ungrateful and rude about things, then deal with that, but ultimately at this age, providing and caring is what you do.

She does need to start developing an understanding that you are a person too- and learn we have bad days etc, but I’m not sure what you are saying here expecting a ten year old to view you as, as they rely on you to provide. It’s how you take on the next few years as they become more independent?

This sounds likely you’re really over thinking it, to be honest.

This is just typical bullshit child behaviour, to blame anyone but themselves! Nothing to do with being human.

So she’s basically doing stuff like saying, “it’s your fault I got that question wrong on the test, cos you didn’t buy me a Japanese highlighter”?

There are 100 responses to that.

• grow up and take some responsibility
• <laugh>
• a kindly - are you disappointed with the result?

I don’t think you’re failing at parenting, this all sounds quite typical. But I do think you’re dramatising it - not seen as human?!

If my kids had used the Japanese highlighters line then I would have laughed at them. Why are you falling for emotional blackmail like she couldn’t highlight the point in her notes because she didn’t have Japanese highlighters ? By providing her with stuff like private schooling and going out to buy highlighters at WH Smith (expensive !) , you have reinforced the notion that mum and dad are for providing stuff. She has too much power if she can say stuff like I’m not doing homework because mum is sad. You might not have been the one to spoil her but you didn’t stop your husband from doing it either and you’ve created a monster.

It will take time to reverse things but hopefully you have had a wake up call.

The problem is she is not interested in anything and as per her we need to make everything perfect for her to function.

Have you had a discussion with her on her interests and worked with her on what extra curricular she wants to do? By 10, she should have an idea of what she likes and doesn't and just pursue the ones she is interested in.

Our lives have been reduced to being at her beck and call- mainly this is because if my husband and I’ve had a chat with him as to how silly this is.

It sounds like you are enabling her behaviour which could result on her being spoilt. Be careful, she needs to learn grit and to do things herself so she can learn how to be independent. Try to be more of a coach and guide her rather than do things for her and be at her beck and call.

Give her chores to do at home. She can learn to develop a work ethic and teach her how to spend and save. She can learn to save up to but things of her own, like those pens.

Also she has a friend group who are into the latest everything- I have been very clear with her about this and told her we would not be entertaining ‘keeping up with the joneses’ attitude.

Yes, definitely chat with her about not aspiring for material things but in reality, some kids just want to fit in. Does she want them because she wants them or is it because she wants to keep up her peer group? Having a conversation about peer pressure might be helpful here too.

I’m 43 and struggling with issues like anxiety and possible peri menopause. This whole issue is adding another layer of pressure and I don’t gave an answer.
I am going through the same thing. I feel for you. When issues arise, it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and emotional. Please do see your GP. I am getting acupuncture and it has been helping me so much. I hope you can find some sort of treatment.

Good luck OP!

About aged 10 I sat our kids down and firmly explained that if they want the careers they said they needed to put the work in. I explained we give them (within limits) everything they need educationally, and a lot jf things on top they want. If they failed it was not our fault and we were never going to be made to feel guilty about it.

I would try something along those lines without making her feel guilty. You choose to send her private so I would try and not guilt her in saying "we pay all this money for your school" because that is not under her control.

You might benefit from giving her a weekly, monthly budget she can spend on what she wants but that's it.

She sounds like a spoilt brat to me. You really need to start not putting up with the bullshit she's spouting, saying she can't work because you're upset. That's ridiculous and if you keep pandering to her she's only going to get worse

The fact that she’s regularly pushing for what her friends have rather than being happy with what she has is proof that she isn’t very confident. She’s entitled and immature but her dad “making things perfect” has made that happen.
Not being able to cope without Japanese highlighters or mum sitting with her while she does homework will not help her if life throws her an actual curveball.

For eg: if I have a bad day and not my best she won’t do her lessons etc because ‘mummy is not happy’

How are you conveying your 'not happiness' in these situations? Is it impacting her?

My daughter is much younger, but she's very concerned with whether I'm happy or not all the time. She gets very upset if she perceives me as being 'unhappy'. It makes me worry that I've somehow conveyed to her that she's expected to keep me happy somehow, or that me being happy/ unhappy is a big deal that has some kind of emotional impact on her. That's on me to fix really - I'm working hard to keep my responses in check, and to watch my language for example I've noticed I had been saying a lot of 'I won't be happy if you do x/y/z' - so I'm making a conscious effort to stop that. Adult emotions are not/ should not be children's problems. We're doing lots of talk about sometimes we feel sad, and sometimes we feel cross - she can be cross with me and sometimes I'm cross with her, but whatever happens I always love her.

Maybe none of that is relevant but just worth asking yourself where you think the above is coming from?

This was started by her dad- he over praised her from day 1 claiming this will build her confidence (he has confidence issues) and now I feel she sees as as inadequate
I don't think her dad is entirely wrong. Praising kids isn't inherently a bad thing. It also across like you yourself don't think particularly highly of her, or see lots of faults in her. Do you find yourself being more critical?

We noticed the way my SIL was with my nephews growing up - to the point I had several conversations with other family members about it. She was so full of praise for them all the time, and do you know what? They've turned our two of the loveliest, most accomplished, most respectful and generally fantastic young men you could wish to meet. It's made me want to emulate her approach with my own DD. (It was also paired with lots and lots of sport, which I think also had a very positive impact).

What I do try to do is praise effort/ resilience/ thoughtfulness/ behaviours etc over just being 'clever' or 'pretty' or 'brilliant at X'. Maybe you and your husband could both focus on being positive and giving praise but directing it towards the times when she shows the behaviours you want to see - you worked so hard at that/ you carried on even though it was tricky/ you didn't let XYZ distract you/ you were really thoughtful to do that for mummy etc etc.

To me she reads like a fairly typical ten year old. Maybe a tiny bit spoiled like they all can be. But it could also be some anxiety or that she feels the need to be perfect/ get everything right and it paralyses her a bit - especially if she feels like you're going to be 'not happy' or judge her for it, and she has the threat of moving to a different schooling system where she might not be able to keep up hanging over her.

The fact that she’s regularly pushing for what her friends have rather than being happy with what she has is proof that she isn’t very confident.

I disagree with that @SonicTheHodgeheg

It’s perfectly normal for a perfectly confident child to just want what their peers have got.

I think it would be a bad idea to water this seed that she isn’t confident - given that parent reaction to it is to run around after her (dad) and let that happen (mum). This kid doesn’t need any more excuses for what is just standard 10yo crap that needs to be put in its place!